A day in the life of Jeremy Kyle

9.00am - Woke up. Got dressed and washed.

9.30am - Ate my breakfast at the laptop while playing on www.888.com, lost £3,000.

10.00am - Neglected my children to go to work to shout at dole-collecting, working-class scum who neglect their children.

12.00am - Skipped lunch for Ladbrokes, lost £1,500 on the horses.

2.00pm - Returned home to find my brother waiting for me, wanting to borrow so more money. Had a DNA test on him again to make sure he's my brother. William bought me the restults, turns out the results were inconclusive because of the large amount of coke and herion in 'my brother's' system. Gave in and just gave him £200.

3.00pm - Had an arguement with the wife. She thinks I've been spending too much money recently. Graham came over with the aftercare team to discuss our problems.

3.07pm - Bitch slapped my wife in the face.

3.08pm - Bitch slapped Graham in the face.

3.10pm - Got beat up by Graham, until Security broke it up.

3.45pm - Returned to Ladbrokes, won on the horses; £20!

5.30pm - Returned home for something to eat. The wife's still not talking to me.

6.00pm - Watched some old videoes of 'The Jeremy Kyle Show', God damn it; I'm GOOD!

8.00pm - Saw 'The Jerry Sprinder Show', while channel surfing. I wish I could get some guests as crazy as he did.

8.37pm - Depressed, I slumped in front of my laptop, to gamble away my house.

10.00pm - Didn't lose my house, instead I won £45,000! So ending the day on a high note I sent another hate email to Trisha, telling her what a bitch she is. Signed it Kyle Jeremy (clever - hey?). Decided to go to bed.

10.23pm - Couldn't sleep, sent another email to Trisha, this time signed it from myself, but made it nice. Told her if she ever wants to talk about her cancer, she's more then welcome to come on my show, which is watched by two million people, to discuss it. I can sleep now, back to bed (well - back to the sofa in the living room - wife's still pissed, that's the last time I marry someone that was a contest winner to get married to an other stranger on a radio station that I was a DJ on!).