Is a question that people keep asking me, and my response is "No!"
The main problem is I have a shortage of money and I can't be arsed with a holiday, what's the point? Honestly, can someone please explain this to me.
As a child I was lead to believe that we go on holiday to relax. What a load of shit. There's nothing relaxing about my family quashed into a small caravan and being forced to spend time together. Do you know what's relaxing? Staying in bed until noon, not getting up at 7.00am to get ready to beat the 'rush' to the beach. And having to do terrible things as a family that nobody wants to do. So the basis of the relationship between everyone in my family was be forced together for a holiday, then avoid each other for the next year until we're forced to spend another holiday together, then the whole cycle whould happen again.
Anyway, that's where my hate started for holidays. And what's more annoying is people suggesting places for me to go on holiday, let me share these great destinations and reasons why I not go:
Ibiza
The main problem with Ibiza is that it's full of the kind of people I hate. I don't go clubbing that often because I'm not the biggest fan of music so loud you can't think, waiting about two hours at the bar to pay way too much for a bottle of beer that I drink in about three minutes, rooms that stink of sweat, having to go outside for a smoke and most of all 98% of people that go clubbing. Not to point the finger, but lets face it, most of them are slags or cunts looking for a fight. Watching people in Ibiza is like watching devolution happen right in front of your eyes. The slogan for going to Ibiza should be; "Return to your animal-like behavour; drink, shag, fight. Make Darwin turn in his grave!"
Amsterdam
What a fucking slap in the face, yes Amsterdam is the Mecca to any stoner. But go to Amsterdam for a holiday, no thanks. Yes, the weed is legal and so is prostitution, but in all honesty I can get that in England without having to catch a flight. The only time I am returning to the Holy Land is with an Army to take it over like the Israelis did in Palestine.
Blackpool
This one gets suggested because it's cheap and affordable. There's a reason it's cheap people, because it's shit. To be perfectly honest, I'm not even going to comment on this place.
For the record I hate long travel, by road, rail or air.
I'm not scared of flying. I actually like it. I'm scared of packing all my best (by best I mean not ripped) clothes into a suitcase and leaving it with some fucking moron that's going to lose it somehow. Plus you can't smoke on a flight, which is so fucked up. The air on planes is now worse that you can't smoke, because when you could they had to recycle the air, now they don't. So that's why your fart lingers around for the whole flight. Plus I read the Daily Mail so anyone who has skin that is not pale white I see them as a terrorist.
The problem with being stuck in a car is that you're stuck in a car. Usually with a couple of people and a shitload of luggage, more than the car can carry. It's easy for a car to turn into a stinking sweat box. Plus if it's someone elses car there's a chance that you can't smoke. And why does it seem like the driver of the car has an iron bladder. While everyone else in the car is about to explode and give the insides of the car a nice urine smell for the rest of its existance, the driver says; "We're not stopping until I need the toilet". No problem mate, it's not my fucking car.
Basically, on holiday some bad stuff usually happens; you get ripped off, people swear at you in a language you can't understand, you fall out with your friends/family/whoever you go on holiday with, you get too drunk, someone tries to touch you up, you spent all your money (or lose it all). All of that can happen in Derby, so why the fuck should I travel somewhere else for it to happen. An expression like; "Damn, today I was mugged, at least I was mugged in Ibiza not Derby" has never been uttered. Plus in Derby I can stay in bed until noon!
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