Boycotting Xmas

I have come to a decision this year that I am boycotting Christmas. Now there are many reasons behind me deciding on this matter. But let me first defend myself! Why do I have to defend myself? Well, avid reader, I have come under attack from the few people I hold dearest to me; my family and friends. I know this last sentence contradicts what you thought about me, but the fact is I do actually know who my family are and I do have friends. I know this comes as a shock to many, who, for some reason, think I’m so kind of antisocial orphan, left to fend for himself with no education or social skills. But I do have a (limited) education. But I’m getting off point here. Anyway, my family and friends don’t support me in my one man mission to boycott Christmas. “But why do they oppose you, Great One?” is what you are thinking. And the answer is; because they won’t be receiving gifts this year. As it turns out both my family and friends are extremely materialistic. That fact came as a shock to me. How could I have possibly got to this point in my life, being as great as I am, when all this time I have amerced myself with such people? Anyway I’m sure these people will realise their mistakes and welcome me back into their circles soon enough.

I will now explain why I am boycotting Christmas. I’ve come to notice that Christmas; the celebration of Jesus being born, is no longer a Christian holiday. Face it; Christmas is celebrated by Christians, atheists, agnostics and even Jews, Muslims, Sikhs and Buddhists. So Christmas is no longer a Christian holiday, instead it’s a Capitalist holiday. I’m willing to bet you will see more ‘Santa’s’ this year than ‘Baby Jesus’’. It is big companies that truly profit off the Christmas season. So instead of finding myself in debt from buying expensive gifts that I can’t really afford I’m not going to do anything.

I do like the idea of a day in which family and friends show how much they love each other. But personally, I think materialism is not the best way to show it. It is about time we banded together and come up with a new way to show our love for each other. Some type of way that doesn’t leave us in debt.

There are many pros of boycotting Christmas, in my opinion. This year I don’t have to spend my time in busy shops trying to find gifts for people, only getting stressed out trying to think of what people will like and fighting with other customers over products. This will leave me more time to do more important things like study or actually spend time with my loved ones. I not have to spend time wrapping gifts with paper that is only going to get thrown in the bin. Think about it, wrapping paper is possibly the most idiotic product to buy ever; it’s destined for the bin. You may as well take the money you are going to spend on wrapping paper and put it straight in the bin, cut out the middle man (wrapping paper). If I’m not buying people gifts, they aren’t buying any for me, so I not have to pretend that I like a gift when I don’t. I’m a terrible actor and no matter how hard a try to muster up an “I love it”, it’s clear that I don’t love it, which only makes the buyer miserable, which I hate.

So, that’s my argument for boycotting Christmas. No matter how you view the holiday, either Christian or Capitalist it has lost it tradition and has turned into the worst time of the year. Robberies and suicides always go up at this time of the year, and I’m sure the myth of Jesus wouldn’t support this. So join me and boycott Christmas.

Letter to God

Dear ‘God’,
Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to log on to the greatest Blog on the internet. I understand that it must be hard to find time to read this, seeing as you’re always up to something and you’re nonexistent. I just thought I’d write to you seeing as we haven’t spoke in some years. I know we’ve lost touch; of course this isn’t your fault. I place the blame directly on my shoulders, but also some blame lies with science and Richard Dawkins (did you read his book?).

Just recently I’ve been wondering if you could possibly do some of those miracles that I heard so much about at school. The world seems to be quite fucked up at the minute and I blame you. Religious people seem to have gone crazy, is it possible that you could smite them all? If you don’t I will simply take that as a sign that you don’t exist and I will take it upon myself to rid the world of religion. Which is a big task, but I’m willing to kill a few thousand people every other Sunday … I don’t have Church to go to or anything else to do, so I may as well.

I’ve been thinking of starting my own religion. That’s the main reason I’m writing this. I wanted a few tips. I know it’s going to be hard to live up to the standards that you set, I mean I can’t make a world or humans (I’m firing blanks). Well I can’t just yet, but you never know what scientists will come up with next. Sorry, I mentioned scientists; I forgot you don’t like them much, because of their logical thinking and theories on Natural Selection! But to be fair, if you didn’t want us to figure out you didn’t exist you shouldn’t have made us so clever. Maybe if you made every human with limited thinking abilities it would be a better world. A world filled with Redneck-American types. In which we all followed our lives to a really old book, which some other Redneck-American types wrote a long time ago. But then again, that book would never have been written, because Redneck-American types can’t write, so I suppose there’s a method to your madness! You see, these are the things I’m over looking! So how should I start up my religion?

The basic idea for my religion is that there is no God, crazy I know. Well there’s no God living in Heaven, in fact there is no Heaven or Hell. The only type of deity is the one inside us all. I’m going to teach my followers that our religion doesn’t want war with people because what they believe is wrong, something you should mention to your followers. Also in my religion, there will be nothing to worship. Followers not have to go to a certain building at any point. They don’t need to do anything apart from treat each other and everyone else with respect and try to do good things. This is what religion should be like. There is no need to dedicate yourself to your belief so much. People should dedicate themselves to themselves and each other, that is how progression is truly made.

Yours sincerely, Ben Broughton

Where's my bloody BEARD???

Hello my loyal followers, I’m glad to have you all back. Today’s Blog is all about me and my feeble attempt to grow a beard.

Now, I think beards are cool, really cool. But there’s one problem, I can’t fucking grow one. All I get is pathetic bum fluff on my chin, top lip and stupid little hairs on my cheeks. It’s as if I’ve gone down on a hairy obese woman, she’s cum so hard that her pubes have been splattered across my face. Which is not a good look. But what is this need I have for a beard? I think it has something to do with one of the most important people to have ever walked the Earth. He’s probably the most famous person to ever live; he’s a religious character and even has followers, no not Jesus! I’m talking of Adam French. Frenchie (as he’s known to his friends and enemies alike) has one of the greatest beards ever, and I think all the knowledge he possesses is due to his beard like Samson. Frenchie’s beard is so good that he hasn’t had any Christmas presents since he grew it because Santa Clause is jealous of him and his fantastic beard.

I’m all out of ideas to grow a beard. I was told at a young age that once I hit puberty my body would change; I’d grow body hair, I’d get taller, my penis would get bigger and I’d develop facial hair. I’m now 22 and in the last ten years or so, I’ve grown taller and I have some body hair, but that’s it! I’ve tired steroids, thinking they’d help my beard grow, but sadly they just made my penis shrink even smaller. I’ve tried praying to fictional Gods, but still nothing. My last idea (which I’m not to sure about) is possibly tattooing a beard on my face. This kills two birds with one stone; I want a beard and I want a tattoo.

If anyone else has any suggestions, please leave a comment. Thanks.

Virus Rap