Wanking, Wet Dreams and Wanting to get Laid (in my House)

So, this is an extremely embarrassing situation that I will now share with you. But firstly let me just explain “wa’ gwan” in the house I call my home. For those of you that don’t know, I live with Leon and Kate in a 3 bedroom house. They both have bedrooms upstairs, while I have the bedroom downstairs. It just so happens that my bedroom is the room that leads directly to the street via the front door. Now this causes me a few problems, the first one being the draft; my room can get extremely cold sometimes. The next and perhaps bigger problem is the amount of privacy I get. See as people are able to enter my room at anytime. Of course we do have a back door, but to get to that you have to tackle a gate, a simple task you may think, but this gate is fucking confusing and if we don’t shut and lock it correctly we may bump heads with our coffin dodger of a neighbour.

Now I’ve explained the back story, I will go on to embarrass myself. Because of this fact I do not have much ‘personal time’. And of cause by ‘personal time’, I mean I don’t masturbate that often. Which isn’t too bad, I’m not the biggest fan of masturbating anyway. I’m slightly homophobic, so touching any penis makes me feel slightly queer (queer as in odd). But as all males should know, if you don’t “let the boys escape” on a regular basis they will build up. Once they’ve built up to a certain stage they will plan a break out, usually while you are sleeping, in the form of a wet dream. This leads me nicely to my next topic of discussion.

There’s nothing more embarrassing than having a wet dream at my age. Wet dreams are for young teenage boys, not boys my age. Recently, with the amount of ‘personal time’ and getting action (more on that later) on a permanent low, my wet dreams have been more often than ever. And even worse, when I do have a wet dream I always prematurely ejaculate in the dream. It always happens. I’m about to “get inside”, then boom! Last time it was gallons of cum hitting some ugly bird in the face, I think she drowned at the end of the dream. I promise (especially to any foxy ladies reading) that I have never had this problem in reality, not even once. Sure there’s been problems getting it up sometimes, but I never ejaculate prematurely. There’s another thing about my ‘Wet Dream Girls’, they’re always the worst looking women ever. This raises many questions in my head. The main one being; How come I prematurely ejaculate over terrible looking women?

Lastly, and probably the worst of all is since I moved into this house I still have not had sex here. I’ve had sex in other places, just not in my house. The year is almost up too. If I don’t get laid in my house before 2009 I might kill myself. This is worsened by the fact I’m limited with my ‘personal time’ and I can’t even get laid in my wet dreams! And you wonder why I’m atheist! I know sperm banks with less sperm than me! Honestly people, everyday that passes more sperm builds up inside my sack and my skin seems to be getting paler and paler.