With one more capitalist holiday amongst us I thought I’d delve into yet another unprovoked rant about this one. Having done the exact same thing last year (Who Wants VD?), I thought I may as well carry on the tradition. Yes, it’s Valentine’s Day, the time of year that shops deck out their windows with so much red and black streamers and shit that it looks as if a Nazi rally is about to ensure, it’s just that the swastikas have been replaced with love hearts. Although to me, a big huge love heart carries the same cogitations of fascism that the swastika does. Valentine’s Day is the most ‘romantic’ of all the other schemes to make people buy each other gifts to ‘prove’ their love one more time with materialism.
But I’ve noticed something and I'm not sure when it happened, but it did. Romance died, and that's putting it nicely. The actual truth is women killed Romance. And "killed" is an understatement. Let me explain how it all happens now;
If a male goes out and decides to buy something for his female counterpart there's a few responses he gets depending on what he buys.
If he buys Chocolates: "Chocolates? Chocolates? You know I'm on a diet! Do you want me to get fat? Oh my god, you think I AM FAT? Are you saying I'm a fat bitch!! Fuck you!!"
If he buys Flowers: "Fuck you, you cheap bastard! Buying my something that’s just going to die in a couple of days! I hope you fucking die!"
If he buys Clothes: "What is this? What is this piece of shit? You know this isn't my colour, I'm an Autumn, this is a Spring, you don't know my colour scheme is at all, this doesn't complement my skins or eyes at all. Are you stupid? And it’s the wrong fucking size!"
If he buys Sexy Underwear: "What the fuck.... Do I look like a slag? Do you expect me to wear this shit!?! I'm glad I'm sleeping with your brother and all your mates, you small-dick-having, premature-ejaculating, one-ball-bigger-than-the-other having, piece of shit!!"
If he buys jewellery: “What’s this shit? Did you get this from Argos? This is pathetic; Julie’s man got her something a million times better than this! You’re such a fucking waste.”
You see how complex this whole situation is. Any of the ‘original’ ideas just get shot down, so much for originality. There’s always the option for taking a girlfriend/wife out for Valentine’s Day, but who would want to do that?
Almost all of the restaurants will be filled up with couples celebrating this ‘materialistic cash-in on the fact people are in love’ day. Nobody wants to be in a restaurant with 30 other couples, because when seeing how other couples interact with each other it just makes you and your loved one jealous; “Why aren’t we like them?” Because face it; everybody else looks happier than you. You two just sit there quietly, deeply ashamed and embarrassed over the fact that your relationship is clearly not up to the standards of those around you. You struggle to find anything to talk about, you push your food around your plate because you can’t eat it seeing as you feel sick to your stomach and deep down you know this was the worst idea ever. Getting her a bag full of dog shit would have been better than this. At least with the dog shit, she would have just shouted at you at home, instead of being stranded here in the middle of a fancy restaurant with the happy couples gazing directly at you, thinking; “Look at those pathetic bastards, what are they even doing here?” The worst thing is, the time spent in a restaurant is dragged out, you can’t bail half way through, because that’ll really make a scene. It’s a slow execution, that only ends once the waiter brings the bill, and it dawns on you that you have to pay top dollar for this kind of nightmare-ish hell!
You see, Valentine’s Day seems as if it is geared towards the woman; it’s not a day of love or romance, as some would have you believe. If you look closer it seems to be one more day for women to get something. All those big, heart shaped balloons and cuddly teddy bears in shop windows aren’t for the men, they’re for the women. A man doesn’t want this hassle, but it’s a part we have to play, much better than the other option; being alone. No man wants that, that’s why we fold to this pressure every year; we have to go all out because arguments over the shitty gifts we get our counterparts or depressing meals in restaurants are both a damn sight better than sitting at home alone eating cold beans straight from the tin. Valentine’s Day doesn’t prey on the love between a man and a woman (or a woman and a woman, or a man and a man); it preys on men’s insecurities. That’s what Valentine’s Day really is, a celebration of men’s insecurities and constant fear that they’ll be alone, so they’re forced to worship women by bringing them gifts as if the woman is a type of ancient queen, only to have it thrown back in their faces. The queen is not amused with your pathetic attempts to keep her happy. And in this process of neediness and desperation Romance became a casualty in the on going war for men not to be alone. Decades ago Romance was the only weapon men had to combat loneliness, now we’re left with nothing and destined to die alone.
Happy Valentine’s Day
2 comments:
Truly brilliant
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