Who Wants VD?

Valentine’s Day is almost upon us! You have to love Valentine’s Day, it’s perfectly situated in the year, at a point were the general public has just paid off their overdrafts from the expensive Christmas time and then along comes Valentine's Day to get you right back into that overdraft. I’m starting to believe that greeting card shops really do dictate the holidays we have, there’s always some reason to give our loved ones pieces of card with pretty pictures on them.

I’m often told that Valentine’s Day is just for pussy-whipped guys to buy their women nice jewellery. But it’s much more than that. It is the one time of the year that desperate guys, such as myself, send cards and gifts to the girls we’re stalking – anonymously, of course. We’re desperate, and terrified of being rejected.

Why do these things have to be so complicated? Because we all know that things get complicated around VD (Valentine’s Day). As VD slowly approaches, many things can happen. Firstly we’ll take an example of a young man in a relationship. So, I’ve had this happen to me before; you’re in a relationship with some skank, who says she doesn’t want anything for VD. Usually saying something along the lines of; “You show me you love me everyday, we don’t need to confirm to these Clinton Cards based scams!” But when VD finally comes around, you’re in the shit. Because it was all a load bullshit! So you’re stood there with bags and bags filled with gifts she’s got you and she’s empty handed, calling you a heartless prick. Then you get into a massive fight, she storms off, goes down to the local, gets pissed and sleeps with your brother, who gets her pregnant, then they empty your bank account and move to America – or is that just me?

Next we’ll take the example of a single gentleman. So, you’ve been in love with this girl for months, you’re always accidentally bumping into her so you can smell her hair and feel her soft, hairless skin rub up against yours – it gives you goose bumps and a slight erection. You’ve created a shrine in her honour inside your wardrobe out of bits of rubbish she’s discarded; chewing gum, notes, shopping lists, hair, toe nails, old sanitary towels … all the usual stuff. You think to yourself; “I’m the only guy for her, nobody else would go to these lengths!” So it dawns on you; a VD card will win her over and you’ll finally be together! The problem is, if you’re some kind of perverse, twisted sicko, you really do believe that a £1.99 Hallmark card and a withered rose will make a girl love you. But sadly this is not the case, the girl in question only sees you as some kind of perverse, twisted sicko with a £1.99 Hallmark card and a withered rose! And once this comes to light, you snap … her neck. Accidentally of course, you never meant to. You then roll her up in a carpet, stuff her into the boot of her car and drive. You have no idea where you’re going or what you’re going to do! You end up in the Peak District, lost. No signs of civilisation for miles, then you realise this is your chance! You take the girl out of the boot, stick her in the front seat of the car, once you’ve had your wicked way with her of course, remove all her teeth (something else for the shrine), remove the licence plates from her car and set it alight, burning her corpse and hopefully any evidence that links you to anything that happened here. Then you spend the rest of your life jumping at every knock at the door! Is it the police? Have they finally figured it out? You’re so traumatised you can no longer hold down a proper relationship, that’s why you become a peeping tom or a stalker! You live your life everyday, just waiting for it to all end – or is that just me?