Thursday 22 April 2010

Kiss, Tell, Proceed to Hell

Celebrities’ cheating on their wives was happening before the Big Bang, yet the public’s interest in them is still alive today somehow, just like the Queen. John Terry, Ashley Cole and Tiger Woods have all been slated in the newspapers recently for shagging females of the species that they didn’t buy an expensive ring for. This of course is a massive injustice. These gentlemen have worked extremely hard to make it to the top of their respective sports, while their wives have just got a free ride all the way.

Cheryl Cole, of course did have some-type of pop career before wedding Ashley. But cast your mind back to when she was a racist alcoholic. You can barely remember that because marrying Ashley altered that perspective of her, so while the tabloids poison your mind to hate Ashley now, if it wasn’t for him, there would have never been Cheryl on X-Factor, she’d still be beating up toilet assistants in an alcoholic rage while spouting racial slurs that would make Nick Griffin blush.

It’s not fair to blame these men for their actions because at the end of the day they are simply men. What’s the difference between men and women? Men have penises, which play heavily on the decisions they make. It’s that simple. These men have no control over what they did, the blames lays on the fact they have penises! You can’t blame them for the way they were born, that’s sexist, and I’m against sexism. I can reveal who the blame lays with in all of these cases; their wives and the women they fucked.

Firstly the wives of these men are all attractive, as these men have lots of money, the more money you have, the better looking your wife is, it’s that simple. Yet, clearly these women weren’t satisfying their husbands’ needs, so they have to go elsewhere for attention. These women get everything they need in life and all they have to do is suck a dick or sit on a face, to keep their man happy, yet they can’t do that! But if these pampered-up, spoilt bitches not do it someone else will …

Secondly the blame lays with these women that the sports stars sleep with, for the purpose of this we’ll call them ‘whores’. These whores know full well that these gentlemen have families at home, yet they still go ahead and sleep with them, well aware that they are ruining a marriage. My beef with these kiss and tell girls is that they never come under fire from the press. Jaimee Grubbs (Woods), Vicki Gough (Cole) or Vanessa Perroncel (Terry) didn’t get blamed for being home-wreckers.

It’s infuriating that these women do this; sleep with someone famous and go and sell the story. Oxford English (Mini) Dictionary reads;

Prostitute n. a person who has sex for payment.

Which is what these women are, yet the payment doesn’t come from the men directly, instead it comes from tabloids, each willing to throw money at these colossal skanks in an attempt to shift a couple more papers. Look at Vanessa Perroncel; she went directly to Max Clifford, who pimped her out like the whore she is for the highest price.

I thought women were meant to look out for each other, instead of stabbing each other in the back … although in these cases it more to do with letting another woman’s husband stab you in the front. Would it be that difficult for them to say; “No, I won’t have sex with you! You have a family!”? I mean, some of these girls act as if they had nothing to do with the whole thing, like it just so happened that a penis fell into them and it’s all the fault of the penis-owner, because it’s not like their legs were open, it’s not like they have any control of what choices they make. They’re not men, they don’t think with their dicks, they think with their brains, and what’s the thought; “I could probably get some money for swallowing this. Glug, glug, glug!” That’s Prostitution 101, a whore’s ideology.

The pure existence of these conniving wenches makes the possibility of affairs hard on the rich, under-sexed sport star. Knowing that you can’t just pick up some girl at a bar and shag her, because the story penetrates the headlines faster than you penetrated her the night before could lead numerous sports stars to not even bother with cheating on their wives. Because of this I have come up with a technique that sports stars can use in order to assure that they can go about their affairs without a trouble in the world;

What you want to do is get your girl (easy enough, you’re rich and famous – they flock to you like flies to shit). Take her to your room. Set up a video camera (wait, although this confirms evidence of what happened it won’t incriminate you). Do your business. But make sure you capture on film the girl knelt in front of you, while you over her masturbating, as you look down on her get her to spout anti-Semitic bile as you proceed to slap her with your cock, calling her a “bad girl”, repeatedly. You then take the tape and lock it away in a safety deposit box and threaten the girl that if a single word is ever uttered about that night you spent together, that tape will makes its way to her parent’s house. Yet if she still goes to the newspapers you produce the videotape and explain that you have been conducting an experiment in which you are attempting to discover if your penis can cure racism.

It’s that simple.

In a world where everyone should be treated equal, isn’t it time that we labelled these ‘kiss and tell girls’ what they really are; prostitutes. Isn’t prostitution illegal in this country? Shouldn’t these women be held up in court? At the end of the day, they are having sex for money. Yet, the sport stars aren’t the one paying the bill, it’s the tabloids. Should we question the tabloids hold over these women? This celebrity driven society, in which newspapers are able to put forward an ideology in which it’s acceptable for females to sleep with married men, as a way to sell a story to further line the pockets of newspaper owners, no matter how many lives are ruined in the aftermath. For us readers it’s something to look at and gossip about for a couple of minutes, for the ones involved it never ends, but next week we’re reading about the next footballer that’s been fucking around, literally. Yet, what about last weeks headliner? That’s old news to us now, fuck him and his failed marriage, bring on the next two-timing cunt and hoe-bag that’d lick a homeless man’s nuts for a couple of copper coins, parade them on the front page and let us ogle at their disgraceful actions, then fuck them off and bring us someone else. Our shitty relationships seem imperial to theirs and they’re rich. Hooray for us.

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