Best Man for Hire

I'm opposed to marriage, it doesn't make sense to me. A large portion of marriages fail and although a few couples stay together, I simply assume they live miserable lives and would divorce but they're used to each others company and they know they're not going to get anyone else, so they just plod on until death do them part. Plus, one day I hope to have some money in my bank account and I don't see why my 'wife' should be entitled to that just for marrying me. Also, the whole ceremony seems like too much. Seriously women, what's wrong with you? “I want a big church wedding!” Get a grip, why throw so much money at something you'll eventually regret? Of course if I ever do get married [which I not], it'd have to be a simple affair; registry office, t-shirts, jeans, trainers, Southern Comfort, Wedding Space Cake. A Church wouldn't even be on the cards. I can't enter a House of God without bursting into flames. Although that seems like a good escape plan if I ever get trapped by some woman; [Vicar talking to my Bride;] “Sorry, no wedding today. Your fiancé spontaneously combusted when he entered the church, now he's dead.” Yes, that is me pointing out that I'd rather be dead than married.

Although I'm opposed to marriage I would love to be someone's Best Man.

This might seem hypocritical, but let me point out I'm against me getting married, if other people have deluded themselves into thinking that marriage is for them, they're more than welcome to go ahead with it. I'm not going to attempt to talk anyone out of it. I will advise them to open a secret bank account so they can afford to live after the inevitable divorce comes. But that's it, other than that I will give them [false] congratulations and wish them all the best [as they'll need it].

Anyway, like I said, I would love to be someone's Best Man. Being a Best Man is the best role possible in a wedding - well the clue is in the title. The Best Man gets to all the best stuff; organise the stag-do, give a speech and fuck the best looking bridesmaid. Who wouldn't want to be the Best Man?

If I was someone's best man this is how things would go down:


Stag Do

A usual Stag Do would consist of large amounts of alcohol and probably a strip-club with the Groom eventually getting handcuffed in a random place after being stripped naked. I like to think of myself as a unique individual, but the typical Stag Do is already fucking awesome, of course I'd just have to turn it up a notch;

Firstly forget just a one night Stag Do, the one I'd organise would be a weekend affair. Starting Friday afternoon ending Monday morning.

Secondly forget Blackpool or Brighton or some other shitty UK destination for all the action to go down. Nah, we'd be taking a quick flight to Amsterdam – Mecca for stoners. You see, large amounts of alcohol is good, but intertwined with copious amounts of cannabis is much better.

Thirdly forget a simple strip-club, because we'll be having orgies with the top-priced prostitutes, the best Amsterdam has to offer. It's important for the Groom to have some of the weirdest sex ever, seeing as soon he'll be married and everyone knows married couples only do the missionary position on the rare occasions that they do actually have sex.

Best Man Speech

It's important that the Best Man's Speech is funny, so it's a good job I'm fucking hilarious! Of course, the speech would consist of some brilliant and embarrassing stories about the Groom. I'd then denounce the idea of marriage, just to make the mood of the room uncomfortable. I'd then proceed to use the word 'cunt' as many times as possible. Then I would drop a freestyle and promote my album. I'd end the speech with a video of our prostitute-filled orgy from Amsterdam, with the backing track of some horrendous heavily metal band.

*The speech is totally dependant on how drunk I am at that stage of the day. It could be what I just described or it could be a drunken, slurry rant that nobody can comprehend.

Sleeping with the Best Looking* Bridesmaid


I'm not going to go into detail, this is between me and her. All I'll say is that it will involve a dead squirrel and a power-tool. 



*Again this depends on how drunk I am, I may end up pulling the worse looking Bridesmaid depending on the strength of my beer-googles.


So there it is. Simple stuff, but bound to be legendary.

Now the problem for me; I need someone to be a Best Man for. Yes, I have plenty of friends, but they're not the best looking group of people [no offence guys] and even if they are likely to get married I know I'm going to get looked over for the obvious reasons [see the list of things I want to do – situated above]. I know that I'll get passed up for a friend that is sane and willing to help the proceedings of the wedding go well, whereas I'll simply be a massive hindrance to the whole situation.

So I'm willing to hire myself out as a Best Man to anyone willing to take me on. No charge. Just the pleasure of being your Best Man is payment enough. Leave contact details in the comment box below.

*Ben Broughton is also available for Lesbian Hen Nights too.