The old saying goes; “Women; can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em”, of course it's not actually true, you can live without them, just look at homosexual men, they live their lives happily enough, even if they're living in sin [only joking guys, I'm liberal really]. But I'm sure it is possible to live without women.
In all my life I haven't lived in a house or student accommodation without the female of the species apart from a short period when I first came to University. In the first few weeks of living in my 'Student digs' I shared my flat with just two other guys. It was a brilliant time in my life, a time I look back on with great fondness. We drank in the morning and had people over until early hours of the (next) morning. Great times. Although later on two girls moved in (along with another male) and it was clear that we'd have to alter our behaviour slightly. Seeing as they'd wondered into an area where the law of the land had already been strongly established things didn't too change much, but some aspects of our testosterone driven day to day living had to be tweaked, most notably shutting the toilet door when using the facilities – the oppression women bring with them! When will it end?!
But since that fond time I've always lived with females, although they are usually greatly outnumbered, as they very well should be, who wants some kind of feminist coup on their hands? There's no great advantage of living with women, in my opinion. I learned early on that they won't willingly take up all of the domestic chores like my mum did. I was fine with this anyway, because I have high standards, so it was better for me to do these things, as a women would only fuck it up and I'd have to do it (correctly) at a later date. Females aren't even that clean either, this is on a totally different note but start to take notice of a girl's car because of the few female friends I allow into my life the state of their cars seems to be 'not great' and that's putting it likely [you know who you are and don't get mad when you read this].
Anyway, I'm beating around the bush like a baseball bat wielding psycho failing to assassinate America's former President [reread that – I'm quite proud of it], the point of this Blog is that my girlfriend wants to live with me [add a dramatic “dun-dun-dun” sound here]!
What the fuck is she thinking? Maybe she has totally lost her mind, I'm not sure. She's with me so it's safe to say that she's kind of deluded or insane anyway, but living together, that's a completely different kettle of boiling water. Limitations have been put on my life already with the pure fact that we are together. If it wasn't for her I'd be avoiding showers and shooting heroin into my fucking eye. Not that she's saved me from a life of drugs, I still want to shoot heroin into my eye, I just won't because – I don't even know how to finish that sentence, that's her influence over me!
Look, I love the girl, but living together, that's a commitment I cannot to commit to. That's a huge step for me. That's some Neil Armstrong shit in my eyes and I don't want to walk on the moon. The cards have been played in our relationship; she wants marriage and kids, I want alcohol and weed (why change the habit of a lifetime?). Living together seems like a massive shift towards what she wants and the only way I could possibly regain ground was by setting up a grow-op in the spare room. And although I love marijuana, I don't wanna set up a grow-op because I don't want to get arrested, plus my bonsai tree is almost dead and if I can't manage that I doubt I could handle a room filled with cannabis crops [that accidentally turned out to be a good metaphor for this whole situation]. So I'll loose leverage if we live together and as my mother always used to say; “Never loose leverage, son … and twist the knife when you shank a motherfucker – make sure he knows he's cut”.
To me living together seems like the perfect way to ruin a good thing. We spend most days together anyway but if we lived together we'd never be able to escape each other. Plus there are so many arguments that would definitely be provoked if we moved in together. Like how would be decorate our bedroom? There's no way she'd let me put my posters up and she'd want her Mac in the bedroom so I'd be forced to do all my writing on a Mac, and I'm unable to switch from PC to Mac, I'm old and set in my ways, plus after so many arguments over which is better, I'd feel like I have lost the argument for Team PC. Plus I know that my friends wouldn't be made welcome in the house. Which is understandable, because the majority of my friends are scum. I know it, they know it.
I'm too young to live with my girlfriend. It took me 20 years to escape the dictatorship of my mother, now after four years of a democratic lifestyle, why would I move to the dictatorship of another woman? It'd be like going from Hitler to Pol Pot or from Mao to Stalin. A house shouldn't have to become a PoW camp! I want freedom! Freedom!
If this gets posted and then vanishes, you know I've succumb to dictatorship. In that case please post me some a cyanide pill ASAP.
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