Me Pour Grasps Off Da Inglish Langwich

Although I may come across as more intelligent than you, in my extremely small circle of friends the way I speak and my turns of phrase are often under constant ridicule. But then again I'm a white male with a fully functioning brain, so they have to pick on me for something.

Obviously most of what I say incorrectly is due to my up-bringing in the small Nottinghamshire town I was born and raised in. And due to my friends being lucky enough to fall out of their mother's vaginas in other parts of the country then hadn't encountered such dialogue until I was introduced into their [then miserable – I'm assuming] lives.

Like most things in life; my escalating problems with alcohol, my hatred of children and my uncontrollable temper... my poor grasp of the English language falls squarely on my mother. Being the voice that I've listened to for the majority of my life, I've picked up all her bad linguistic habits.

Listening to myself, I find that there's a trend of amalgamating two or three words into one simple sound or completely dropping words from a sentence. Clearly now I've come to learn of what I'm doing wrong, I should try to change the way I speak to make myself more understandable... but I'm set in my ways.

Things I Say Wrong;

“I'm gu'in t'shop” - I am going to the shop.

This is the closest thing I've got to a catchphrase amongst my friends [that doesn't involve weed, beer or swearing]. And I'm constantly mocked for the t' – Michael McIntyre had a whole stand-up routine about how Northerners say t' instead of 'the' – it was his usually brand of sub-par comedy. But I've pushed this further by incorporating two words into a single letter; brilliance and time saving, while being incomprehensible to the untrained ear.

“Owt” - Anything.

Fuck knows where this comes from. But it usually follows the last one; “I'm gu'in t'shop, do you want owt?”. This cleverly compresses a three syllable word down into one.

“Or'ate” - Alright.

A common greeting in Sutton-in-Ashfield, often said; “Yu or'ate, mate?” because of the intricate rhyming pattern it expresses.

“Noun'a-gen” - Now and again.

“Tour'da'pens” - It all depends.

While the first three are often heard around my own town, I'm confidence these last two are exclusives from my dear mother. It was only in the last few years that I realised I was saying these so wrong. It may sound stupid, but it's as if I really didn't know what I was saying. Yeah, it's fucked.

“Me” - My.

Yes, that's right, in my old town even the simplest two letter word can be halted into a similar word that already exists and said in it's place. If that doesn't boggle the mind, I don't know what will. 

Some of me Sutton folk gu'in t'shop

 

Or'ate, noun'a-gen, I don't know how to end these blogs, tour'da'pens what I'm doing that day, but I gotta get off as me mum's got me gu'in t'shop.

Leave a comment if you want owt pickin' up.