Studying Tips
As all students know it is vital to reference and it is difficult to walk the line between referencing and plagiarism. So I have a few tips:
When you need to take a book from the library always take the oldest, most battered book that you can find (on your subject matter) because it’s been in circulation for so long that all the relative parts that apply to your coursework/exam have already be underlined/highlighted by all the students that went before you.
As all students know getting out of bed is hard and actually turning up to University is even harder. So if you can’t be bothered with going to the library to find the books you need to reference simply go to GoogleBooks. Here you can search random words and Google brings up those books, then you simply copy what you need into your assignment.
Money Tips
Steal! Wait one second though, I’m not saying you should start mugging old ladies in the park at night, I’m also not saying you should stick up the lovely couple that own the shop at the end of your street. Steal things that are usually free, for example my wonderful friend Adam French used to steal rolls of toilet paper from University. Genius!
Sleep! Students have the reputation for being lazy and sleeping all the time. I’ve met energetic students that say stupid things such as; “Why sleep when there’s so much to do?” These students are idiots and are likely to have a heart attack at 30. Sleep is a student’s best friend. It costs nothing, plus while you sleep you’re not eating, which saves on food, which in turn saves on money.
Have you ever been bored enough to read the packaging that your food comes in? Probably not because you have a life, but luckily for you; I don’t (have a life) and I do (read the back of food packaging). On the back of everything from a packet of crisps to tins of beans there is contact information for the businesses that make these foods. What you do is email or write to them complaining about their food and they’ll be nice enough to send you some coupons. Score!
Getting drunk for cheap. I have already compiled a list of ways to get drunk for cheap, but seeing as your students, I’ll let you in on one more way because you’re the only people (apart from tramps) that are likely to do this. In this eco-friendly world of ours we now recycle our cans and bottles in a special bin (for example mine is blue). Luckily, let of drink and backwash collect at the bottom of these bins (along with other juices – I warn you) All you need is a bit of hosepipe or a long straw and voila ... Ben’s Backwash Booze Bin Cocktail!
Showing posts with label On the Poverty of Student Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label On the Poverty of Student Life. Show all posts
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
Friday, 6 February 2009
How to Get Drunk for Free
Yes people, I’m here with some vital information. We all like get George Best’d once a day, but it can be an expensive habit. So I took it on myself to compile a list of ways to get drunk for less.
1) Go to a gay bar. Don’t worry, you don’t have to flirt (although it may help), most of the time desperate homosexuals will approach you. They will buy you your drinks and you’ll get pissed. But don’t get too pissed, don’t make mistakes you may regret in the morning as you are woken by Jeff’s warm breath on the back of your neck.
2) Get a glass collector. Most pubs/bars/clubs have staff that collect glasses, they usually use a plastic glass carrier, that the empty pint pots fit nicely into. You need you firstly need to ‘acquire’ one of these. Once you have, go around any pub/bar/club collecting peoples drinks, any that are half or less full. Quickly walk off and drink that drink.
3) Talk offensively to women. We’ve all tried to put the moves on a girl only to end up with her throwing her drink in our faces. So, what you do is say some of the most offensive shit you can say to a bitch so she throws her drink in your face. As you sense the drink coming, you’re first instinct is to move, but don’t, just open your mouth as wide as you can. This will lead to most of her alcoholic drink landing nicely in your cake-hole, then you simply swallow it and move on to the next girl.
4) Drink n dash. Firstly this can only be done in a busy pub/bar/club. Secondly, you must be dressed ordinary and not be standing out too much. Thirdly, don’t do this at your local. What you do is; push your way to the front of the busy bar and place your order. Make sure you order a variety of drinks; pints, shots, bottled beer, liquor and so on. Yes, this seems expensive, but don’t worry you’re not paying. As the first batch of drinks are bought to you, wait for your opportune moment (when the barman/barwoman’s back is turned), then you make off with what drinks you want. I find that downing the shots at the bar then making your way to the exit with the bottled beer the best tactic. Usually you can drink a bottle of beer by the time you get to the door. By the time the bar staff notice you’re gone and they’ve raised the alarm, you’re on to the next place doing it again!
5) Vulture the itbox. Most pubs have electronic trivia games; my personal favourite is the itbox. What you want to do is linger around these later on in the night. They suck drunken people towards them. As a drunken person plays a game on the itbox, you sneak in to pretend to be interested; paying them a complement on how well they’re doing always goes down well. As they begin to get more engrossed by the flashing lights and as they try to determine which one of the Spice Girls was ginger one, you swoop in and take their drink and slowly make your get away. It could take up to 20 minutes before the person notices their drink has gone, by that time you’ve drank it and the best part is they never really paid much attention to you so they have no idea what you look like.
6) Bet someone at pool. It doesn’t matter if you’re any good or not, but the person does have to be quite drunk. You will need money for this. Bet someone £10 (or whatever you want) on a game of pool. Make sure both of you put the prize money on the pool table. Now, what you do is take a long time to take your shots, eventually your rival will need to piss (this is why you must play someone that is quite drunk – sober people don’t piss as much and are often quite good at pool). Once they leave to piss, take the prize money and get the fuck out of there. Move on to the next pub and buy some drinks with your winnings.
7) Utilise the smoking ban. At my local Wetherspoons at home, you are not allowed to take your drink outside with you when you go and smoke, this leads to many drinks being left on the table closet to the door. If you’re lucky enough to find a pub like this, your actions are quite simple; swoop in, steal the drink of your choice, drink it!
Tuesday, 28 October 2008
TV ... Licence to Kill
Welcome reader, I will once again provide you with handy information for you to consume and help you lead a much better life. “But Ben, you’ve taught me some much already, what else could you possibly educate me on?” is probably what most of you are now thinking. But I have something to say to you; I’m an intellectual, a genius, there is much more I can teach you. This week I’m going to help you all out with that annoyance that all of us lazy bastards encounter; having a TV licence.
To start with I’d like to talk about having a TV licence, basically if you have a TV you need one. And if you don’t get one TV licence people take you to court and make you pay a large amount of money. The money you pay for your TV licence mainly goes to the BBC, yet we have no say on what they spend it on. Personally I’m cynical about paying because of one person; Jeremy Clarkson. I’d hate to think that any money that was once mine has been used to line his already overflowing pockets, because he’s a cunt. The current going rate for a TV licence is £139.50 (or £47 for a black and white TV), which is more than an ounce! Now which you I rather spend my money on?
I’ve chosen this topic because I currently have no TV licence and I’ve had to devise a plan for not getting caught and ending up in court to pay to stupid fine. It’s hard living a normal life with no TV licence, especially if you get smoke enough cannabis you get paranoid of anyone knocking on your front door. Only last week someone knocked on my door and I hit the floor faster than the last 6 year old girl I beat up with a crowbar. Luckily for me and my housemates it wasn’t the TV licence people or ‘bastards’, as I call them. The bastards have been sending us letters warning us that they are coming around the area where I live soon. This has scared one of my housemates; Leon, he his determined that we get a licence soon, while my other housemate; Kate*, is not so worried about the whole situation, but she’s a Scouser, she’s used to feeling guilty for stealing something. Kate feels that seeing as she stole the TV from Currys, she shouldn’t have to pay for the licence. To be fair it was quite amazing to see a tiny girl run threw the city carrying a huge plasma TV while fighting with security guards, that’s something you can only learn in
Seeing as it’s only a matter of time before we’re caught out I’ve put together a plan and a bunch of reasons for not paying for the licence.
Firstly I read that people over 75 years old don’t have to buy a TV licence, so I’m going to find myself a girlfriend that’s around the age of 80. I will get here to move into my house so when the ‘bastards’ finally turn up, we’ll get off free. Plus this kills two birds with one stone. A work friend of mine suggested that I get with an older woman, because “they will teach me a lot.” I’m sure she will, knitting has always been an interest of mine.
Reasons for not paying:
“Sorry sir/madam, I haven’t even passed the theory test, so I can’t apply for a licence yet!”
“Yes we have a TV, but we don’t watch it. It’s modern art. Our living room looks like a typical living room because it’s IRONIC! It’s not a living room, its art. The TV is just like part of a picture.”
“We don’t have a TV, I don’t know what you’re fucking talking about mate! I promised myself I would never do anything wrong after I got out of jail for murdering a Jehovah Witness on my door step. You can come in to my house and check if you really fucking want, but I’m currently hosting my daily sacrifice a goat to Satan ritual, so it’s not the BEST time for me, it’s your choice.”
“Yes we have a TV, but we don’t actually watch it. We take some LSD and just pretend it is switched on.”
“That’s not a TV, it a digital photo frame … what has sound … and the images are all of the same thing … slightly changed … er ...”
So beloved reader, put these suggestions into action and tell me how it all goes please.
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