Welcome reader, I will once again provide you with handy information for you to consume and help you lead a much better life. “But Ben, you’ve taught me some much already, what else could you possibly educate me on?” is probably what most of you are now thinking. But I have something to say to you; I’m an intellectual, a genius, there is much more I can teach you. This week I’m going to help you all out with that annoyance that all of us lazy bastards encounter; having a TV licence.
To start with I’d like to talk about having a TV licence, basically if you have a TV you need one. And if you don’t get one TV licence people take you to court and make you pay a large amount of money. The money you pay for your TV licence mainly goes to the BBC, yet we have no say on what they spend it on. Personally I’m cynical about paying because of one person; Jeremy Clarkson. I’d hate to think that any money that was once mine has been used to line his already overflowing pockets, because he’s a cunt. The current going rate for a TV licence is £139.50 (or £47 for a black and white TV), which is more than an ounce! Now which you I rather spend my money on?
I’ve chosen this topic because I currently have no TV licence and I’ve had to devise a plan for not getting caught and ending up in court to pay to stupid fine. It’s hard living a normal life with no TV licence, especially if you get smoke enough cannabis you get paranoid of anyone knocking on your front door. Only last week someone knocked on my door and I hit the floor faster than the last 6 year old girl I beat up with a crowbar. Luckily for me and my housemates it wasn’t the TV licence people or ‘bastards’, as I call them. The bastards have been sending us letters warning us that they are coming around the area where I live soon. This has scared one of my housemates; Leon, he his determined that we get a licence soon, while my other housemate; Kate*, is not so worried about the whole situation, but she’s a Scouser, she’s used to feeling guilty for stealing something. Kate feels that seeing as she stole the TV from Currys, she shouldn’t have to pay for the licence. To be fair it was quite amazing to see a tiny girl run threw the city carrying a huge plasma TV while fighting with security guards, that’s something you can only learn in
Seeing as it’s only a matter of time before we’re caught out I’ve put together a plan and a bunch of reasons for not paying for the licence.
Firstly I read that people over 75 years old don’t have to buy a TV licence, so I’m going to find myself a girlfriend that’s around the age of 80. I will get here to move into my house so when the ‘bastards’ finally turn up, we’ll get off free. Plus this kills two birds with one stone. A work friend of mine suggested that I get with an older woman, because “they will teach me a lot.” I’m sure she will, knitting has always been an interest of mine.
Reasons for not paying:
“Sorry sir/madam, I haven’t even passed the theory test, so I can’t apply for a licence yet!”
“Yes we have a TV, but we don’t watch it. It’s modern art. Our living room looks like a typical living room because it’s IRONIC! It’s not a living room, its art. The TV is just like part of a picture.”
“We don’t have a TV, I don’t know what you’re fucking talking about mate! I promised myself I would never do anything wrong after I got out of jail for murdering a Jehovah Witness on my door step. You can come in to my house and check if you really fucking want, but I’m currently hosting my daily sacrifice a goat to Satan ritual, so it’s not the BEST time for me, it’s your choice.”
“Yes we have a TV, but we don’t actually watch it. We take some LSD and just pretend it is switched on.”
“That’s not a TV, it a digital photo frame … what has sound … and the images are all of the same thing … slightly changed … er ...”
So beloved reader, put these suggestions into action and tell me how it all goes please.
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