How to Get Drunk for Free

Yes people, I’m here with some vital information. We all like get George Best’d once a day, but it can be an expensive habit. So I took it on myself to compile a list of ways to get drunk for less.

1) Go to a gay bar. Don’t worry, you don’t have to flirt (although it may help), most of the time desperate homosexuals will approach you. They will buy you your drinks and you’ll get pissed. But don’t get too pissed, don’t make mistakes you may regret in the morning as you are woken by Jeff’s warm breath on the back of your neck.

2) Get a glass collector. Most pubs/bars/clubs have staff that collect glasses, they usually use a plastic glass carrier, that the empty pint pots fit nicely into. You need you firstly need to ‘acquire’ one of these. Once you have, go around any pub/bar/club collecting peoples drinks, any that are half or less full. Quickly walk off and drink that drink.

3) Talk offensively to women. We’ve all tried to put the moves on a girl only to end up with her throwing her drink in our faces. So, what you do is say some of the most offensive shit you can say to a bitch so she throws her drink in your face. As you sense the drink coming, you’re first instinct is to move, but don’t, just open your mouth as wide as you can. This will lead to most of her alcoholic drink landing nicely in your cake-hole, then you simply swallow it and move on to the next girl.

4) Drink n dash. Firstly this can only be done in a busy pub/bar/club. Secondly, you must be dressed ordinary and not be standing out too much. Thirdly, don’t do this at your local. What you do is; push your way to the front of the busy bar and place your order. Make sure you order a variety of drinks; pints, shots, bottled beer, liquor and so on. Yes, this seems expensive, but don’t worry you’re not paying. As the first batch of drinks are bought to you, wait for your opportune moment (when the barman/barwoman’s back is turned), then you make off with what drinks you want. I find that downing the shots at the bar then making your way to the exit with the bottled beer the best tactic. Usually you can drink a bottle of beer by the time you get to the door. By the time the bar staff notice you’re gone and they’ve raised the alarm, you’re on to the next place doing it again!

5) Vulture the itbox. Most pubs have electronic trivia games; my personal favourite is the itbox. What you want to do is linger around these later on in the night. They suck drunken people towards them. As a drunken person plays a game on the itbox, you sneak in to pretend to be interested; paying them a complement on how well they’re doing always goes down well. As they begin to get more engrossed by the flashing lights and as they try to determine which one of the Spice Girls was ginger one, you swoop in and take their drink and slowly make your get away. It could take up to 20 minutes before the person notices their drink has gone, by that time you’ve drank it and the best part is they never really paid much attention to you so they have no idea what you look like.

6) Bet someone at pool. It doesn’t matter if you’re any good or not, but the person does have to be quite drunk. You will need money for this. Bet someone £10 (or whatever you want) on a game of pool. Make sure both of you put the prize money on the pool table. Now, what you do is take a long time to take your shots, eventually your rival will need to piss (this is why you must play someone that is quite drunk – sober people don’t piss as much and are often quite good at pool). Once they leave to piss, take the prize money and get the fuck out of there. Move on to the next pub and buy some drinks with your winnings.

7) Utilise the smoking ban. At my local Wetherspoons at home, you are not allowed to take your drink outside with you when you go and smoke, this leads to many drinks being left on the table closet to the door. If you’re lucky enough to find a pub like this, your actions are quite simple; swoop in, steal the drink of your choice, drink it!