Irking Me Off; #2 The Clarkson Problem

I know I'm a little late off the mark with this one, but I don't have to justify myself to you, so piss off.

I'm not going to sugar-coat this; I fucking hate Jeremy Clarkson, in my eyes he's a Daily Mail reader's wet-dream; a middle-class throwback that thinks spouting xenophobic rhetoric is funny... basically he's a typical Cracker-ass Honky. Along with being a Grade-A Cunt.

Obviously like most people my age I mainly know Clarkson from Top Gear. I don't like Top Gear because I don't have much of an invested interest in cars and even if I did, I still wouldn't like Top Gear. To me, the show seemed like a front for three immature grown men to act like children under the disguise of an informative program about motor vehicles. Hey, but I'm not a car guy, so what do I know? That's right; nothing about cars, but a lot more about decent television. But I'll give the man his due he really cornered the market on obnoxious cunts presenting television shows on motors. Kudos, you cunt, kudos.

Now, although I had this disdain for Jeremy, he never really bothered me, I stayed clear of Top Gear and would put up with him when he appeared on the likes of QI. It was a decent set-up we had working until he went and did something stupid and physically assaulted a producer and after that I couldn't escape the cunt like a baby trapped in the womb.

EVERYONE was talking about him. His face was all over the newspapers and not for a good reason like him dying in a high-speed car accident. And I began to feel like one of those ridiculously priced cars he trails... as I was driven crazy! [Fuck off! You try and write car gags without knowing anything about cars!]

People were debating this issue endlessly.
“Would he lose his job?”

“Will the BBC end Top Gear?”
“What will May and that other fucking cretin do without their Messiah?”

And as this whole debate was up in the air, people were signing a petition online to get him reinstated. Now this is something that really irks me, yes, people have the free will to do such a thing, but guess what; it doesn't matter in the end. Not in a case like this. Online petitions are good most of the time, but this one was totally devoid of meaning.

It's not up to the public to make this decision, that falls on Clarkson's bosses. Not the public. Just because the guy is extremely popular doesn't give him free range to do whatever he pleases. He's been on thin ice numerous times before due to borderline racist incidents and always managed to skate away unscathed, but at what point do you keep letting someone off just because they're a big star?

I saw a lot of social media updates along the lines of; “BBC used to cover-up child molestation but Clarkson in trouble for only hitting someone”. What the fuck is wrong with you people? So what? You want the BBC to cover something like this up when it's someone you like, but not if it's someone you don't like? Because Jimmy and Rolf, were as popular as Clarkson back in the day! Or is this down to the actual 'crime'? So punching a producer in the face is OK, but sexually abusing children isn't? [Look I know which is worse, but you can't simply draw a line and pick and choose.] What if Clarkson had molested a child? Would there still be a petition because what else can petrol-heads watch on a Sunday with Clarkson and his two shadows?

The whole concept of this argument is ridiculous. Yes, as stories of sexual abuse that happened years ago come to light it paints the BBC in an extremely bad light... so what should they do? Punish employee's that step out of line, and Clarkson's had enough chances. Fuck him.

I also come into contact with individuals commenting on how supporting James May and Richard Hammond were towards Jeremy. People mentioned they wouldn't do the show without him... well obviously, those two peons owe their success to Clarkson, they'll ride his coat-tails into retirement. I was once in Waterstones and saw a book Richard Hammond had released; the cover featured a large picture of his face and a little tag-line; “The Funny Guy from TOP GEAR... Includes stickers inside so you can make Richard look as funny as you want”. And there were little stickers that you could add on to the cover to make Hammond look as ridiculous as you wanted... so I stuck the sticker of Clarkson's penis over Hammond's mouth and put it back on the shelf. I don't have any real beef with May, he actually seems like a nice guy, but seeing as he doesn't have the moral integrity to step out of Jeremy's shadow; fuck him too.

Then 'celebrities' started to share their opinions. Rupert Murdoch said something along the lines of the BBC would be idiots to get rid of Clarkson. To me that's a massive vote of confidence for the Beeb, because when the most evil man in the world is suggesting you shouldn't do something, you should definitely do it. Then our very own Prime Minister [aka the 2^nd most evil man in the world] came out and said his daughter had gone on a hunger strike until Jeremy was reinstated. I hope the bitch starved to death for her father's part in trying to sway public opinion in a matter that only concerns him because his friend is involved [this is also the only time a Tory has been involved in any kind of striking action]. Seeing as he's technically employed by us, I shall punch him in the face next time I see him as he clearly thinks that an acceptable way to act.

This is what it comes down to; Clarkson did something wrong; he verbally attacked a producer for around twenty minutes and then punched him in the face... why? Because there wasn't any hot food available at a hotel – download the JustEat app, Jeremy! Yet in the majority of public opinion the producer was in the wrong... that's so infuriatingly stupid I want to punch myself in the face repeatedly under I've lost enough braincells to fathom it but if I did that I could end up liking Top Gear. He had to get sacked from the BBC. It's not as if that's the end for him, he has a following, he has a brand, he has his little two minions by his side and hopefully he also has inoperable cancer.

So it'll all work out for him in the end.

But I hope it doesn't.

Advice to Aspiring Battle Rappers [Part 2]

So this began with Advice for Aspiring Battle Rappers – although it's slightly began to change into me cataloguing my experiences of attempting to secure myself a rap battle. This is Part 2 of that never-ending saga.

So what do you do after you've penned three rounds of bars that you've finally realised you'll never get to use against anyone else?

It's obvious … you post them on a battle rap forum for your own kind [battle rap geeks] to judge, in the hope to seek admiration. You hit 'post', the thread comes up, you get a bit nervous; “Wait... will they read it how it's supposed to be performed?”... no probably not. Well done, you've opened yourself up to a possible barrage of insults from people you don't know! This is the internet, you twat! In which people hide behind alias so they can slag you off to their heart's content!

You sit. You wait. You repeatedly hit refresh. “How come 'X', 'Y' and 'Z', have viewed the thread and not left a comment... can't they see my genius?” You ask yourself. You sit a little longer. You wait a little longer. Eventually you have to sleep, staring at a computer screen for ten hours straight can take it's toll on anyone.

It's hard to push the thought of it out of your head, you've busted your metaphorical balls on the these metaphors, and nobody is willing to acknowledge that. BALLS!

Finally you see there's been a couple of responses to your post. With a shaking hand you move the cursor over the the thread and click. As the page loads you're filled with dread and excitement. You scroll down with your heart in your throat like you're dining at Hannibal's house [punchlines for days]. You read the replies... they're favourable. Some constructive criticism but the majority are supportive. Even a Don't Flop battler you like quotes a line and says it's a “fantastic bar” [shout out to Shuffle-T].

Real Screen Print... No Photoshop

You should be happy, people appreciate what you've written but now there's a nagging in the back of your head; “if only that cunt had've turned up!” It becomes infuriating but what can you do?

Skip ahead awhile and after the dust settles, you think; “fuck it, may as well give it another go”. It's a little easier the second time around, although you never got that battle you've kind of got your foot in door like over-pushy Jehovah Witnesses [punchlines for weeks]. So you go about setting up another battle.

And you get one. And your opponent has battled a couple of times before, even had a try-out for Don't Flop [the UK's #1 Rap Battle League]. This is a massive advantage to you, he's battled before you have plenty of material to study and plenty of angles to use, while he's battling you; a nobody. Plus this guy wants to make a name for himself in battle rap, so he's bound to turn up.

So boom; you get down to writing again. And luckily for you your opponent is quite lanky and he isn't the best looking chap in the world, so there's plenty to say on that matter;

Is it me or; has Tim Westwood's orphaned lad - started talking black,
as a performance act - to plead towards his awful dad
Or maybe; Steven Hawkins has - finally contort his back, [...and...]
by a BLACK-burn-HOLE; been transported back and taught to rap

Or is this; a zombie from 28 Days Later's supporting cast?
Or … has someone stretched Gollum on a torture-rack?
No it's a Morbid twat … that's only alive because his parents adored the fact;
his umbilical cord 'wun't' snap in their abortion pact

Doubt settles in though. You start to realise no matter how strong your pen game you still have to perform this material better than your counter-part, he's had plenty of practice. You write a couple of personal schemes that you think will give you the crowd reaction you need and then you concentrate on your performance.

Eventually you get it down. There's a confidence about you that wasn't there the first time around. All those positive comments on the forum have got you a little gassed up.

Then you get a Facebook message.

Your opponent has pulled out due to some legal trouble. It's frustrating but not out of character for the bloke, you've been doing your research, you know he's a bit of a wrong 'un. While this totally deflates you, you cast your eye back over your bars and probably count your blessings because;

In my eyes; shouting about a battler's loved ones until ya lung's collapse is fucking wack
Cos we came to see if our punches match - not turn this into a punching match

Cos I don't need to call your baby mum; a slut or slag, so someone braps

Or negatively mention your son in raps, cos I'm sure he's sweeter than a pussy cat

And I bet that child loves you... but do you really love the brat?
Cos being a father to a budding chap means more than getting a humongous tat'

Cos I heard you got involved in a shoving match,
and some cunt got slapped, so it escalated into thumps and jabs,

and you got put on tag, [was facing jail] but luckily in fact; it never come to that,

But if it did; picture yourself serving a sentence as tons of months go pass
As you miss your son's first sentence; “Mum, when is Daddy coming back?”
Then question; Is that really how someone with a son should act?

… probably would have got you a stern punch in the face and a couple of kicks would have had you sprawled out of the floor like unfurling a rug [punchlines for months].

But wait... because it's fucking happened again. Your one man mission to be a purist and write only for the person in front of you has bit you on the arse like a kinky prostitute [punchlines for years]. So you've got three rounds of angles you can't use on anyone else, did you not learn your lesson the first time around?

Another battle is arranged. The emcee hosting the event's mate will step up to battle you, he's going to tag along to the event anyway, so this time you know he'll definitely be in attendance.

So back to square one. Research. Write. Practice.

You're getting pretty good as these aspects. But the doubt in your head is performing in front of people. This time you take heed from past experiences and throw in a couple of schemes relating to TV shows you're obsessed with so even if this guy pulls out – which he definitely not do – you have something you can reuse.

It's less than a week from your battle, you've got everything set. You're not as confident with this material as you were for the other battle, but fuck it, this new chap is borderline shit so it shouldn't be too hard to beat him.

Then you get another Facebook message.

You're new opponent has pulled out – what the fuck is this Groundhog Day? Fuck sake!

It's at this moment it begins to settle in... maybe this battle rap t'ing isn't really for you.

End of Part 2.

#UnfinishedBusiness; Ben’s Big Day Out

#UnfinishedBusiness is a collection of Blog posts from 2013 that I never quite completed or totally forgot about.

Synopsis:

It was the summertime and it was a warm day, so after a few too many days trapped in my own home I decided to venture out into the real world and then attempted to write about it.

Now, I’m a notorious shut-in. I’m most at home when I’m … at home, basically. Venturing into the outside is oxymoronic in my drug-addled mind [into/outside – stick with me people]. But after spending the majority of my spare time attached to my rickety chair has began to take it’s toll on my productiveness, as in it’s completely obliterated it, so in an effect to not go completely stir crazy I decided to leave my home and do something.

Now, I wasn’t going to do anything totally outside my comfort zone. No! That’d be way too much for me to handle. This was simply a practice run.

Before I left on my adventure, I had to make sure I had the suitable equipment; a sandwich, packet of crisps, books, sunglasses, recreational drugs and obviously a couple of beers. I also had plenty of tissue, for HAYFEVER – before your minds begin to conger up any ill thoughts of masturbation. Obviously I had already attempted to halt any effects of that disgusting pollen that fills the atmosphere around this time that renders the majority of hayfever suffers absolutely useless, with tablets and nasal spray, which later turned out to be as effective as homeopathic medicine. But either way, I had my bag packed and I was on my way.

My destination was a familiar one; Markeaton Park. I don’t think I’ve been since my frolicking years as a student, even then I wasn’t keen on the place but it beat sitting in lectures or studying … all that would have gotten me would be a better degree … a better job … and a better life… but who needs that when the sun’s out and you’ve got a Frisbee?

Before locating my spot I stumbled upon what could be described as a damsel in distress, or what could also be described as a mother struggling to push a pram up a steep, yet small hill. Seeing as I was in a joyful mood, I offered my assistance. Although it was slightly upsetting that we didn’t get to push the pram down the other side. Apparently harming children isn’t a hobby each and everyone of us shares, who’d have known? 

#SunshineSelfie

 

I made my way onto the park and secured myself one of those fishing dock things by the water to sit on. I was able to relax in the sun far enough away from anyone else so that I could enjoy myself. I then sat back, relaxed and listened to a couple of podcasts – with my earphones in of course, just because my phone is perfectly capable of producing audio for others to hear, doesn’t mean they should have to [take note, kids].

And that's as far as I got. I can't remember anything really exciting happening. Some baby swans got a little too close for comfort and then a random dog started barking at them, that seriously messed with my buzz. I saw a massive dragonfly. And after too many beers I had to use the communal toilets. Never fun. And that's all I can remember. 

Baby Swan fucking up my buzz.

 

A Somewhat Review of Simpsorama

I've always been a huge fan of both The Simpsons and Futurama, so upon hearing that they'd finally crossover on the television screen I got so excited I postponed my suicide.

Despite my blind bias towards America's original dysfunctional family, I'm a realist, I understand that the show's golden age has passed on like Maud Flanders, but every once in a while they muster up something worthy, most recently it was probably the Lego episode [season 25 episode 20; “Brick Like Me”]. But even with all the ingredients for a classic sometimes The Simpsons just doesn't deliver, but I so wanted this episode to work. Obviously I miss Futurama, I've never understood the neglect this show receives from television execs, whether it's at Fox or Comedy Central, so having Fry and the gang back on TV would be a treat in itself. 

Homer and Bender after filming "Simpsorama"

 

From the opening tag-line; “A show out of ideas teams up with a show out of Episodes”, you get the impression there's going to be plenty of self-deprecating humour over the next twenty odd minutes or so.

The storyline of the episode is as follows; Springfield Elementary students add some items to a time capsule; CCTV photo of Nelson's dad, Milhouse's lucky rabbit foot and Bart's self-tainted sandwich, it then gets dropped in a hole, accidentally mixes with some nuclear goo from the power plant and one thousand years later it's opened only to reveal some nasty rabbits that terrorise New New York, so Bender is sent back in time to stop this from happening. Nothing ground-breaking but as the tag-line clearly stated, this is 'a show out of ideas'.

One aspect of the show I liked is it really is a celebration of Matt Groening's work. We even get the treat of seeing Binky and Bongo [from Groening's Life is Hell] as they are featured on a televised news report in New New York scribing “Crossovers are Hell” on a wall. They're the kind of nerdy gems I take massive pride in spotting like the Groening little fan boy I am.

I loved the self-deprecating humour too, from Bart and Lisa drawing out the similarities of Homer and Bender and they way they are drawn, to Bart's “I'm doing the same jokes a thousand years in the future... Ay Caramba!”

All in all the episode is a celebration of two tremendous shows; Bender wearing a Pin Pals bowling shirt, Bender's chest-door revealing a 'Suicide Booth'-style of weapons, [Fry's dog] Seymour waiting for him outside Panucci's Pizza, Bart's 'offspring' graffiti-ing “Skinner is a Wiener”, Canyonero advert, the Planet Express 'girly' calender [featuring Professor Fransworth as a woman], Lisa's saxophone inspired holophonor and of course Butterfinger bars get a mention too. All these little winks and nods to previous and much funnier times add a somewhat charm to the show and let you know this wasn't just a slap-dash affair.

The end credits are a bombardment on the eyes as we see billboard adverts, buildings and much more featuring brands and characters from The Simpsons in a Futurama world; An Alien Lard Lad Donuts, Buzz Cola; With Cocaine Again Advert, A flying Blinky the Fish,
Re-Elect Major Quimby [with his head in a jar] Advert, Duff Holo-Beer; All the rage but none of the calories Advert, The Androids Penthouse Advert, Milhouse of ill repute, Kang and Kodos 8 Testicle Massage, Stonecutter's World HQ, Frinkatories, Prof. Frink's Carbon Dating Service, Moe's Unfriendly Bar; No Humans or No Robots and there's probably some more that I missed.

Obviously, there's a that thin line between love and hate, so there are aspects of the episode that didn't sit right with me.

Certain character interactions could have been better; Leela/Marge, Frink/Farnsworth. Plus there wasn't nearly enough Fry for my liking, strange as he's basically the main character of Futurama. But I understand the pairing of Homer and Bender makes much more sense.

But by far the lowest point was Zoidberg; the Planet Express in house medical 'expert' only got one line! One fucking line! “Hello Roburt, looks like everyone gets a turn to say something... this concludes my turn.” … and that was it. Amy, Scruffy, Emperor Lrrr and the Hypnotoad [all hail him!] got more screen time than the beloved doctor. Surely they could have spared ten seconds somewhere for at least a scene in which his scuttles off while giving out his signature cry. This was probably the biggest travesty of all, Zoidberg is probably one of the top three characters on Futurama so more of him is always a good thing.

Also it didn't seem like there was enough time, or maybe I'm saying that because I didn't want it to end. It's a shame the Family Guy crossover was awarded as being double episode worthy while the Futurama one felt crammed into it's twenty-one minutes. Due to this it seemed a little rushed at times or maybe I just didn't want it to end.

So all in all, a good episode, it doesn't quite reach classic status in my eyes and making it longer with more Zoidberg probably could have achieved that, but much better than most of the recent episodes. But don't take my word for it, I'm bias as fuck, I'd have still said it was good if was twenty-one minutes of Amy, Scruffy, Milhouse and Martin playing tiddlywinks with zero dialogue.

The Walking Dead; Season Five Finale Predictions

OK, so it is upon us; The Walking Dead season five finale looms around the corner like a roamer you never knew was there until it takes a hefty chunk of your face off, or something along those lines.

Now, my fan-boy-ish-ness for TWD is no secret, this is my second post about the show in a row and it's basically only a matter of time before this entire Blog becomes The Misadventures of a TWD Geek – although with Game of Thrones vastly approaching I'll probably be on that bandwagon next month. I'm fickle. But these are my predictions for the final episode of the season.

***Possible Spoilers***

Predictions

Major Character Death:
Look it's the finale and in the immortal words of Notorious B.I.G.; “Somebody Got To Die”. It's likely a few characters will shuffle off their mortal coil before the credits roll, but one of them has to be a key player within the show, it just has to happen.

There's fear that fan favourite Daryl Dixon will soon be having a family reunion with brother Merle, but as the most popular character I think it would be a foolish mistake to kill off the most original character the TV show has spawned.

So my prediction is that Carol will be the one 'looking at flowers' before the season ends.

The way I see it is that since arriving at Alexandria; Rick and Carol have been vocal about their mistrust of the people inside the Safe-Zone and their actions and are basically on the cusp of a coup. While the other members of their ragtag crew have entered Alexandria and quickly arose to powerful positions in a democratic fashion; Maggie [Deanna's aid], Abraham [leading the construction team], Glenn [taking charge of runs], Sasha [constant look out], Daryl [now teaming up with Aaron], even Rick himself was outright given an important role within the community – along with Michonne – but that's not enough for him.

So why should Carol die?

Carol is the embodiment of Rick's unwillingness to budge his strong-handed techniques. Oh, they think Pete's beating his wife... he must be killed. If it wasn't for Carol sharing the views of Rick, he may have taken note from his other friends and simply fallen in line with those in Alexandria and more than likely took control diplomatically. I mean his 'window theory' literally went out the window... with Pete.

Carol almost seems as if she's too far gone. I've seen a few comments online likening Rick to The Governor, but it's Carol that shares his excellent trait of putting on a fake demeanour for the public while underneath it all beats the heart of a cold blooded psychopath that would tie a child to a tree and let the 'monsters' feast upon him. Yet in episode 15 [“Try”] we see that this has been done [likely by the shows next villains].

Mainly I want to see Carol go, so I don't get confused when Rick screams his son's name.... “CORAL!!!”

I think Pete will probably beat her to death. Pete = wife beater. Carol = battered wife. Makes sense to me.

Morgan:

Morgan has been teased a few times this season and if it doesn't culminate in him entering the cast for real, I fail to see the entire point of it.

Obviously, I've spoken at length of the roles of African American males within the show and following my theory we've been left with a gap that needs filling - after the revolving door of black actors entering as one leaves came around again - with Noah dying... in a revolving door of all things. So this would be the opportune moment for Morgan to finally enter the show properly. Plus Father Gabriel... or as I now refer to him; 'T-Dog-collar'... is a return to the boring black male bit-parts from the first three seasons, we need a strong African American character back in the show ASAP.

And what's going off in ASZ regarding black folk? Where they turned away up until Rick's group rocked up, because that place seems to be full of white folk. Where the fuck is Heath?

Rumours online;

1) The first rumour is Morgan is the man marking zombies with the 'W' on the forehead, it's an upside down 'M'... apparently. I don't buy this at all. These 'M' walkers have been around Alexandria since about the time Rick arrived, it'd be impossible for walkers that had come in contact with Morgan to have caught up with them already.

2) Morgan is already dead! I know, it's a shocker, but some TWD fans are claiming we could have already seen Morgan's limbs decapitated in an earlier episode this season [episode 9; “What Happened and What's Going On”]. I've seen the evidence, but I don't buy into it. If it is true it'd be a shame a character some fans have been yearning for dies off screen.

Now Rick seems to be teetering on the edge of sanity [again], it'd be nice to see Morgan come into the fold and calm Rick down.

Attack on Alexandria:

This has to happen.

Since their arrival Rick has been constantly telling Deanna and co. they aren't safe from the people on the outside and although he seems a little unhinged lately, it's time for Grimes to be proven right and Deanna to get her comeuppance.

Drawing from the comics and other people's views online I'm firmly in the 'Wolves' camp.

In the mid-season return [“What Happened and What's Going On”], we discover that Noah's community has been totally ran-sacked by a group. In the background is some graffiti;

Not saying it's obvious, but it is written on the wall for you.

This could just be nothing, but I think the foreshadowing in this season has been extremely good; Rick tells Gareth how he's going to kill him, Rick's window theory-throwing Pete through the window, Carol's threat to Jesse's son-Daryl and Aaron find a woman tied to a tree as zombie bait; once the finale airs I'm looking forward to going back and seeing if I can spot any others.

Around this time in the comic we are introduced to a gang [The Scavengers] that live on the road looting any other camps they come across. When they finally appear in the comic the leader gets the attention of the Alexandria population and when Officer Rick Grimes approaches the gate, the leader says;

I just said it was obvious in the last picture's caption, Derek!

Now, even a child could tell you what kind of animal what have that dialogue.

I also think this is the group carving W's into the foreheads of zombies, it's just the type of thing a hardened group of reprobates would do in an apocalypse.

In episode 15 [“Try”], there's a red balloon that features a couple of times. When Rick and Pete are exchanging blows, the balloon is released. I think this could be the signal that the Wolves have been waiting for. It's safe to say they're in the area; Daryl and Aaron seem to be close to them, so it's not unimaginable that one of them would spot a red balloon floating away.

Nicholas Will Die

“Who the fuck is Nicholas?” is probably what you're asking.

He's the snivelling piece of shit that got Noah killed and didn't even want to try and save his mate... and he also wanted to leave Glenn behind. These are all valid reason as to why he should die.

Due to him having a gun stashed I can picture him attempting to kill [or maybe even killing] a member of Rick's group. Although he's such an idiot he'll probably shoot someone else. Them a someone [likely/hopefully Glenn] will beat him to death.

Pete Pleads

Now we all want to see that wife-beating son-of-a-bitch get what he deserves, but he seems like the type of weasel that'd try anything to stay alive. I think that anything will be Tara. We haven't seen her since she was involved in that explosion but we assume she's in a bad way and low and behold Pete's a surgeon.

I could easily see some dialogue being; “If I die, she [Tara] dies [without my help].”

So they're my predictions. One of them has to be correct, I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Although my last prediction is that the episode will be great, this season has been extremely good, could even be the best yet and hopefully the finale will be the cherry on top.

#UnfinishedBusiness; Irking Me Off; #1 Helmet

#UnfinishedBusiness is a collection of Blog posts from 2013 that I never quite completed or totally forgot about.

The files I found, and YES, I'm still using XP.

Synopsis:
I'd read a news story about a father trying to make wearing a helmet while riding a bike the law, strangely enough he had the exact name as one of my University lecturers [I've changed the name now though, privacy and all that jazz] and for some reason this got me peeved enough to write this.

DISCLAIMER: Due to my recent all time low of writing, I’ve began to formulate a plan to write more frequently to get me back into the habit of writing, it is a skill that needs to be kept sharp.

So welcome the “Irking Me Off” series.

It’s about those things you [or more specifically; I] see that kind of resonate in the back of your [my] mind for an unbeknownst reason.

I don’t know if you’ve seen in the news recently, but a young boy was involved in a road accident while riding his bike, he is in a very bad way. [And you thought I lost the knack for jokes]. He wasn’t wearing a helmet. Now his paramedic father [named Matt Smalling] is campaigning to make it the law to for cyclists to wear helmets.

Now you’re up to speed, I can delve into this situation.

Firstly the poor victim of this accident didn’t want to wear a helmet because it would mess up his hair. Ironic seeing as the back of a van has messed up his face beyond repair. No amount of Brylcreem is going to mask that asphalt embedded in his face.

I used to bike to work, and in all honesty… I once raped a chicken… plus I never used to wear my helmet – not because of any superficial reason, luckily I’ve been blessed with a winning personality … and natural beauty. I had a helmet; it even matched my BMX [who says safety can’t be stylish?]. But I never wore it until my favourite lecturer [ironically named Matt Smalling – I’m not taking the piss here, Google him, he’s real*] was involved in a bike accident and he told me that if it wasn’t for his helmet his injuries would have been much worse.

Now I clearly took heed to Matt Smalling’s [my lecturer] advice. As he was an authority figure in my eyes and while there’s that constant burning fire inside myself to rebel against any authority, I’m not a fool, I know good advice when I hear it.

Now if you take my own experiences into account you begin to see some slight similarities, especially the Matt Smalling stuff, that’s just random and likely to be made up… even though it definitely isn’t**.

So I understand the plea of the Matt Smalling [father of Tarmac Face] to make wearing a helmet the law – although I honestly thought it was already the law, but one of those laws that everyone breaks like speeding, smoking weed and sexually molesting OAPs. It clearly makes sense that cyclists should be kitted out with something that keeps their grey matter from making our roads slighter greyer.

But the thing that continues to nag at me is Matt Smalling [parent of the only child with a licence plate imprinted in his face] is a fucking paramedic! He must have been in many situations in which he was peeling people off the road due to numerous car incidents, many of which must involved a cyclist at some point. Why wasn’t he more forceful with his own son?

“Hey Dad, I’ll see you later; I’m off to work”
”Wait son, aren’t you wearing your helmet?”
”Nah, don’t wanna mess with the ‘do, need to cock-tease the guys down the factory”
”Son, I’m a paramedic, I peel the faces of cyclists from car grills on a day to day basis, and although my medical training is limited… there’s no giving CPR to a caved in skull… so wear your fucking helmet, fuck your hair, think about your safety you fucking pompous cunt!”

Clearly this didn’t go down in the Smalling household.

The thing that irks me the most about this whole situation is I completely agree with both Matt Smalling's on this matter. It’s just that how can paramedic Matt Smalling be the face of this of his campaign [I understand his son can’t be the face of it for obvious reasons]? This is a medically trained man whose working life revolves around emergency accidents, yet it isn’t until his own son suffers from such a fate that he decides to chirp up. If he was a decent person, father and paramedic his son should have never left his home without the correct safety measures in place.

And that’s the truth.

If a police officer’s son went and shot up a school, and the father said; “Well, I knew he had the gun, but I never thought this would happen!” Everyone would be pointing out the irony of the whole situation.

*Don't Google him, I changed his name.

**He isn't made up, I just changed his name.

The Walking Dead; Black Guy Theory

aka

The Hypothesis of Ethnic Cleansing the African American Male in AMC's [2^nd] Greatest Television Show Ever

Prelude

If you don't know what The Walking Dead is, where the fuck have you been? It's the story of Rick Grimes [played by Simon Casey from Teachers]; a cop trying to keep his family and friends together in the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse. A quite-popular and extremely-good comic that became an extremely-popular and quite-good TV show.

Warning

If you are not up to date with the television show, be warned that there are SPOILERS ahead. I also draw on knowledge of the comics, so there could also be SPOILERS from that too. You've been warned.

Introduction

Let's kick things off by stating I love The Walking Dead, love it. Love the TV show, love the comics, love the novels, love playing my TWD edition of Monopoly, love TWD PS3 game, love TWD Assault iPhone game.

It's far from the best show on TV, I could probably list a great deal of TV shows that are better written, better directed and more well rounded than TWD, but I don't love them as much. But there's a thin line between love and hate, so it's easy to pick up on aspects of the television series that slightly annoy me, but as we are over midway through the fifth season, I've decided to present my theory on The Walking Dead... the Black Guy Theory.

I feel I'm probably best to relay this theory as I'm practically a black guy without the correct skin pigment, so here it is; The Walking Dead; Black Guy Theory; One in One out.

Evidence

In episode two of season one [“Guts”], we are introduced to Theodore Douglas, our first major role African American character. Better known as 'T-Dog', and that woefully poor nickname was basically all the character development the guy got. Apparently he was only supposed to be in three episodes, but he stuck around and did “things and stuff” way before Rick Grimes made it cool. By season two T-Dog was pretty much a background feature, in fact I think Hershel's Barn got more camera time. In fact by this point, I even reckon the character had got so boring that even the writers kept forgetting to kill him off. But before season three there was word that that Tea-Dawg was going to play more of a role in the group and IronE Singleton might get some actual dialogue on his copy of the script instead of crudely drawn pictures of the faces he should be pulling while stood in the background. There was even speculation aspects of Tyreese's character [from the comic] maybe incorporated into T-Dog. But instead episode four of season three [“Killer Within”] T-Dog gets sent to the kennel in the sky.

But before Theodore Douglas got caught in that Zombie eat [T-]Dog world, we were introduced to the prisoners in episode one of season three [“Seed”]. The group of prisoners as a whole didn't really last too long due to conflicts with Rick's group, but one that did was Oscar, my second case-study. Oscar, like T-Dog before him was a creation for the TV show, neither of them feature in the comics, so the dullness of them both falls heavily on the shoulders of the TV writers. Oscar soon moved into T-Dog's spot; follow and keep your mouth shut [within Rick's group] and looked as if he be taking up the role of 'token black guy' … until the gang rock up to Woodbury and Oscar gets shot in episode eight of season three [“Made to Suffer”] and dies soon after.

But fuck Oscar, we'd forgotten about him after the opening credits of “Made to Suffer”, because finally, we'd got the male African American character we'd been pining for; Tyreese [played by Dennis “Cutty” Wise from The Wire]. Rick's right-hand man from the comic book, a tough son of a bitch that wasn't going to retire to the shadows like Mr. Douglas and Mr. the Prisoner [just assuming Oscar's second name here, by the way]. From the moment he stepped onto the scene swinging his hammer with such ferocity Thor would blush, we knew we were in for a treat. But did we get a treat?

Yeah, Tyreese was cool and all, but after that fist fight with Rick, taking on a gang of zombies [after they surrounded a car], eventually he kind of dwindled slightly in season four and after the fall of the prison he's left babysitting. He shouldn't be doing that, he killed Chris [a 16 year old] in the comic, so I was hoping he'd punch Lizzie's crazy brain out the back of her skull at some point, but no he left that to Carol and a gun.

But while Tyreese was left – literally - holding the baby we got a new black guy entering the mix – WHILE THERE WAS ANOTHER BLACK GUY STILL ON THE SHOW and it only took them four seasons. Bob Stookey [played by D'Angelo Barksdale from The Wire] drunkenly staggered into the mix on the first episode of season four [“30 Days Without an Accident”]. Now Bob features in the comic and heavily in the novels, so the writers had something to play with, they did alter the character slightly, as he's white in print, maybe the person in charge of casting thought Lawrence Gilliard, Jr. was a Caucasian name and never bothered following up. Bob was decent in my opinion, his alcoholic storyline was interesting [to me at least, but I've got love my brothers in the struggle].

But wait, hold the phone – and not because dead Lori is on the line – because this revelation changes the whole complexity of the argument I'm making, as now we do actually have another African American male on the cast without the proceeding one making way for him. This is true; Rick's list of multicultural friends did allow for two black men to be on it at the same time and this would go on to become the new 'norm', but the one in one out hypothesis would evolve and season four just acted as the transition period. And we make it all the way through season four without either of our black guys dying, in fact they've become strong individuals in the group. But what looms in season five?

ANOTHER BLACK GUY!

Welcome on board Father Gabriel Stokes [played by Detective Ellis Carter from The Wire]. Yes, that's correct, not only do we have three actual African American men in prominent roles in TWD all in the cast at the same time, but all of them are from The Wire, was TWD hosting a reunion party for them? I don't know and neither do I care, I'm not bitching about them using these [very talented] actors from a far superior TV show, I'm just saying if I was at AMC I'm be bringing something else from The Wire … cough-writers-cough.

It's at this point my theory begins to weaken. How can it be one in and one out if we have three black guys at the same time? Well, as I've stated, season four was the turning point of adding another African American male to the cast, but my theory still stands, please continue...

So in the second episode of season five [“Strangers”], we find Father Gabriel cowering on a rock like a typical Christian, until Rick and the gang come to his aid. Gabriel is another character taken from the comic, but picked up in the correct time frame [the comic and TV show run almost parallel, but sometimes characters are introduced earlier/later] so the formula is set up for the television writers, if they choose to follow it. Later in that very episode Rick, Michonne, Sasha, Father Gabriel and Bob go on a little mission, and the later of the group is giving a little speech, always a bad sign if it's out of character for them. And low and behold in the dying minutes of the episode we get the feeling something's up with Bobby Boy. It's the same old story; got bitten but hid it, went to wander off, got his leg eaten by the Hunters, it's a story as old as time.

Bob kicks the bucket – with his one good foot – an episode later in “Four Walls and a Roof” [season five episode three] and the equilibrium started in season four is returned; two black guys. But at least we cared slightly more about Bob's passing, he's played more of a role than T-Dog and Black Prisoner #1, plus he'd actually formed bonds within the group especially with Sasha.

As this is all happening, we have Beth's solo little storyline taking place, she's been taken and has found herself in some weird hospital run by some nasty cops or something, but in this arc we are introduced to Noah [played by Chris from Everybody Hates Chris]. At first I wasn't sure if Noah would be sticking around, I mean he has 'zombie feast' written all over him. I expected him to be in a handful of episodes then he'd be a handful of guts getting crammed into the snapping blacken jaws of a walker. Even after Beth died – yes, white people do actually die too, they're just not so obviously replaced, in fact people of all ethnic backgrounds die... apart from Koreans apparently – and he [Noah] joined the group.

For that mid-season break my mind pondered... will 'so-and-so' attempt suicide... will 'you know, that one!' meet their fate... how will they kill Noah off straight away?

When season five returned with episode nine [“What Happened and What's Going On”] about six minutes in I begin to feel a little uneasy as Tyreese rattled off a little speech to Noah, and as things progressed, things went from bad to absolutely fucking devastating – even once Tyreese was “bit” I still had hope – amputated limbs hasn't played half the role in the TV show as it does in the comics – but eventually we lost another black guy. But it was a meaningless death, we'd just lost Beth, now Tyreese would breathe his last breath! I mean; “What the F... are the writers thinking?”

And now we're left with Gabriel and Noah, two Biblical names to characters that we're highly expecting to meet their maker soon. But who will step in and take up the role of “token black guy”?

Conclusion

Look, I'm not trying to Kanye West it here and claim that TWD hates black people; Michonne has [rightfully] held her place and [somehow] Sasha has survived [until this point – somehow, despite being meaningless]. It doesn't seem as African Americans males have such a bad time in the TV TWD world until they stubble upon Rick Grimes, but when they do they do it seems as if their days are numbered, it's starting to seem apparent that black males can't last long around a white cop... but it is America after all. The TV show just struggles to create a convincingly good African American male to join the ranks – Tyreese came across as an half-hearted go in the end [introduced too late IMHO]– while other mediums of TWD franchise did it successfully with Tyreese & Morgan [comics], Josh Hamilton [novels] and Lee Everett [game], yet their television counterpart can't muster the same efforts.

In conclusion the hypothesis stands true; as soon as one black male is integrated into Rick Grimes' group another one must make way for him and even after the slight shift in season four of having two African Americans in the cast, the theory continues.

The Morgan Jones Paradox

Now, some eagle-eyed TWD fans, have probably already noticed I've neglected to mention Morgan Jones yet, as he's a difficult character to quantify in this whole hypothesis. He is the first African American male character we are introduced to [if he ignore his son, obviously] in the very first episode of TWD. But then he's gone and presumed dead – he is black after all – until episode twelve of season three [“Clear”], when he makes a reappearance. It was good to see the writers had taken time to develop Morgan's character, it's just a shame we didn't see any of it. And then Morgan was gone again, until just recently when he made two appearances [so far] in season five [episode one;”No Sanctuary” and episode eight; “Coda”], suggesting that he may finally link up with Rick and the group. Obviously by this point in the comic Morgan has a primary role within the group, so it will be interesting to see how he incorporates himself into the group on the television series.

The Noah Hypothesis

[POSSIBLE SPOILERS] So, using information from the comics a main character is soon to die at the hands of a new villain, and while I think the writers of the the TV show have made blatant nods to this, I'm starting to assume it won't happen and instead Noah will suffer the fate of Lucille. He's young, he's innocent – so we should care – but it wont have the same effect, in my opinion, but in turn this will open the [Alexandria] door for Morgan to enter.