Bonjour cunts, as many of you may know from personal experiences with me I’m quite an avid borderline alcoholic.
If you can’t ever remember seeing me so drunk I made a complete twat of myself and all those around me, you need to seek medical advice because clearly you’re suffering from major blackouts or memory loss.
Anyway, recently I’ve been slightly worried about my colossal intake of alcohol. I don’t know if I’m simply being a bit of a hypochondriac or if in fact this is an actual, legitimate, reasoning from my subconscious.
You see, I drink A LOT. That’s not some kind of braggadocios claim, like; “I drink more than you” [although I do], it’s a stone cold fact [I could also out drink Steve Austin, stone cold fact #2]. For as long as I can remember I’ve drank almost everyday [of the week, not the entire 24 hours]. I like to think it started when I came* to University, but delving into my corrupted memory bank of before I departed to Derby, I still used to spend most nights drinking with friends in my hometown. Back then it was all there was to do in our small shitty town, but now I’m a proper grown up, paying council tax and whole lot, surely I should have moved on from this ‘habit’ by now?
So why do I drink? I don’t have a definitive answer, I think it’s a combination of factors, the first being habit.
You see I like routine, I’m a simple, yet boring individual and I like to know where I stand day to day. I like being in my comfort zone; at home with alcohol… and sometimes friends. Anything away from that and elements are out of my control and I don’t like having to give up complete dominance of my surroundings, it makes me feel weak. Yet, if everyday passes with no massive alterations between one and the next, I feel content in life. Just writing this makes me pity my own existence, especially when you take into account how fleeting life is. Maybe I’ve lost my drive, ambition and self-belief that I’m capable of doing anything else with my life. That moves us swiftly on to my second reason of why I drink…
Escapism. Alcohol like many other wonderful drugs, helps ease off reality. And let’s face it; reality, much like reality TV, is fucking awful. If you think reality is anything but awful you’re either; an optimist that’s yet to have life crush that hope out of you or you’re a botched lobotomy patient. On the rare occasions I don’t drink [due to the fact I can’t afford to] and I go to bed sober, my inner voice begins to role off that long list of problems in my life; debt, health, future, bills, rent, the disgusting human being I’ve become. That begins the never ending spiral of self-hate which culminates in me sitting up until the early hours of the morning, unable to sleep, making empty promises to myself about how I’m going to change. Those promises never happen. Then the next time this happens the intensity of my self-loathing escalates to astronomical levels. Alcohol amends this, with enough in my system that little inner voice has nothing to chime in about, it blocks out that nagging talk in the back of head and helps me relax and be happy, without the constant fears of how my life is mapping out.
Boredom. I get bored extremely quickly. I get bored with people, bored with tasks, bored with entertainment, right now as I write this I’m itching to get out my seat and do something else, because quite frankly I’m bored of writing at this precise minute [but you can tell that from the lack of jokes]. Yet, the only reason I’m writing is because I’m bored of everything else there is to do in my flat… fucking explain that one! Alcohol doesn’t totally cure boredom. It’s not like I sit in a dark room, swigging SoCo from the bottle congratulating myself on how so not-bored I am. Alcohol just makes things less boring; episodes of QI on Dave I’ve seen a million times before, the latest shit comedy film Hollywood has churned out, listening to my friend’s relationship problems… You get the picture, all the mundane shit that we come across daily. You see, while I like to think of myself as a boring individual [I have two topics of conversation], I detest being bored, my mind thrives on constant information. Alcohol subsides that need of stimulating entertainment.
So, am I an alcoholic?
I’m not capable of self-diagnosing, really. The government suggests having at least two dry days a week and if you’re able to do this you’re probably not addicted to alcohol, I tried my hand at it and was successful [for one week, this is only the second]. But the pure fact that they suggest only two dry days was slightly shocking to me, which made me think on the grander scale that I’m probably not alone in how much I actually drink.
Yet I do think I have an addictive personality; smoking, TV, tea, chicken wings, I’ve done more than my fair share of recreational drugs in the past and my personal opinion is I ‘liked’ one a little too much, but when the down out-weighted the high, my perspective changed. Maybe this will happen with alcohol; maybe I’m just one massive hangover away from calling it time gentleman, please, on my drinking… although with my current drinking form I average less than ten impactful hangovers a year, so for one to make me want to quit drinking altogether may put me on my deathbed before I take note.
I think my biggest problem isn’t alcohol, it’s what I’ve mentioned; routine, escapism and boredom. These are all problems with me personally, I need routine, but routine makes me bored and I need to escape it. Maybe if I just get off my arse and make alterations to my daily actions I not need to drink so much. Maybe if I stopped spending all my money on drink, I could pay off those debts. Maybe if I spent less time being drunk I could regain some self-belief and drive to actually achieve something in life instead of moaning about it in a drunken stupor.
*Proof reading this, I noticed this; “came to University”, it obviously should be; “went to University”, clearly I still think of myself as living that Uni life style.
Monday, 12 August 2013
Sunday, 11 August 2013
#DrinkingSeason: The Alcoholic Test
1. Do you drink heavily when you are disappointed, under pressure or have had a quarrel with someone?
YES. Obviously, drink cheers me up when I’m disappointed, if I’m under the influence, I’m over the pressure and what else would I do after a quarrel? Talk things out like civilised adults?
2. Can you handle more alcohol now than when you first started to drink?
YES. But can’t everyone? Let’s face it when you have your first drink [at the tender age of six], you have no tolerance at all, and that slowly builds up over time until you’re able to knock back quadruple Southern Comforts [at your seventh birthday party].
3. Have you ever been unable to remember part of the previous evening, even though your friends say you didn’t pass out?
YES. But my friend’s are complete bullshitter’s, they probably knew I’d passed out and decided to fuck with my mind… maybe that’s it… maybe, just maybe I don’t have a problem with drink and simply have shit friends.
4. When drinking with other people, do you try to have a few extra drinks when others won’t know about it?
NO. I want to make sure everyone can see how much I can handle.
5. Do you sometimes feel uncomfortable if alcohol is not available?
If I’m at a pub; YES. If I’m at the off-licence; YES. If I’m taking a long dump; NO. If I’m at a funeral; YES. Swings and roundabouts; YES.
6. Are you more in a hurry to get your first drink of the day than you used to be?
UNSURE. As I can’t remember that far back.
7. Do you sometimes feel a little guilty about your drinking?
YES. Along with my actions when I’m drunk, like once when [censored for legal reasons].
8. Has a family member or close friend express concern or complained about your drinking?
NO. Not for a while at least, but there could be a reason for that. [Read the answer for Question 3 again].
9. Have you been having more memory “blackouts” recently?
NO. I don’t think so, but how would I know?
10. Do you often want to continue drinking after your friends say they’ve had enough?
YES. Because they’re totally drunk after four beers, I start to get drunk after six [if I haven’t eaten that day].
11. Do you usually have a reason for the occasions when you drink heavily?
YES. But my drinking heavily and your drinking heavily are three completely different things.
12. When you’re sober, do you sometimes regret things you did or said while drinking?
YES. But to be honest, I don’t remember 80% of what I said, did or brandished at the park to those children and that duck.
13. Have you tried switching brands or drinks, or following different plans to control your drinking?
YES. I started buy extra strength larger and also switched to vodka to get me drunk faster, but I get the feeling that’s not what you are on about.
14. Have you sometimes failed to keep promises you made to yourself about controlling or cutting down on your drinking?
YES. But who hasn’t uttered those immortal words while suffering from a hangover; “I promise I’m never drinking that much again!”
15. Have you ever had a DWI (driving while intoxicated) or DUI (driving under the influence of alcohol) violation, or any other legal problem related to your drinking?
NO. As I don’t drive [a personal choice, as I’m always drunk and would be liable for a DUI] and I’m rarely out in public drunk.
16. Do you try to avoid family or close friends while you are drinking?
NO. Gotta have someone around to carry me home or make sure I don’t choke on my own vomit, that’s just common sense really.
17. Are you having more financial, work, school, and/or family problems as a result of your drinking?
NO. I’m having more financial, work, school, and/or family problems getting in the way of my drinking.
18. Has your physician ever advised you to cut down on your drinking?
NO. As I haven’t been to see a doctor since I was 16, but if I did see one I’m sure they’d advise me to drink less, but that’s just what they say. When ever as a physician advised a patient to drink more?
19. Do you eat very little or irregularly during the periods when you are drinking?
YES.
20. Do you sometimes have the “shakes” in the morning and find that it helps to have a “little” drink, tranquilizer or medication of some kind?
NO, I don’t drink in the morning before work, instead I get some hammered the night before I wake up at least tipsy or at most still totally bladdered.
21. Have you recently noticed that you can’t drink as much as you used to?
NO. Don't be silly.
22. Do you sometimes stay drunk for several days at a time?
YES. Last year’s record was 365 days on the trot.
23. After periods of drinking do you sometimes see or hear things that aren’t there?
NO. I don’t think so. But how would I know, if I constantly see it? This question is really tripping me out.
24. Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking?
YES. But it was a barmaid.
25. Do you ever feel depressed or anxious before, during or after periods of heavy drinking?
Before? During? After? You’ve covered all bases there, so basically the question is do you ever feel depressed or anxious? Then; YES.
26. Have any of your blood relatives ever had a problem with alcohol?
YES. They’re all a bunch of drunks.
YES. Obviously, drink cheers me up when I’m disappointed, if I’m under the influence, I’m over the pressure and what else would I do after a quarrel? Talk things out like civilised adults?
2. Can you handle more alcohol now than when you first started to drink?
YES. But can’t everyone? Let’s face it when you have your first drink [at the tender age of six], you have no tolerance at all, and that slowly builds up over time until you’re able to knock back quadruple Southern Comforts [at your seventh birthday party].
3. Have you ever been unable to remember part of the previous evening, even though your friends say you didn’t pass out?
YES. But my friend’s are complete bullshitter’s, they probably knew I’d passed out and decided to fuck with my mind… maybe that’s it… maybe, just maybe I don’t have a problem with drink and simply have shit friends.
4. When drinking with other people, do you try to have a few extra drinks when others won’t know about it?
NO. I want to make sure everyone can see how much I can handle.
5. Do you sometimes feel uncomfortable if alcohol is not available?
If I’m at a pub; YES. If I’m at the off-licence; YES. If I’m taking a long dump; NO. If I’m at a funeral; YES. Swings and roundabouts; YES.
6. Are you more in a hurry to get your first drink of the day than you used to be?
UNSURE. As I can’t remember that far back.
7. Do you sometimes feel a little guilty about your drinking?
YES. Along with my actions when I’m drunk, like once when [censored for legal reasons].
8. Has a family member or close friend express concern or complained about your drinking?
NO. Not for a while at least, but there could be a reason for that. [Read the answer for Question 3 again].
9. Have you been having more memory “blackouts” recently?
NO. I don’t think so, but how would I know?
10. Do you often want to continue drinking after your friends say they’ve had enough?
YES. Because they’re totally drunk after four beers, I start to get drunk after six [if I haven’t eaten that day].
11. Do you usually have a reason for the occasions when you drink heavily?
YES. But my drinking heavily and your drinking heavily are three completely different things.
12. When you’re sober, do you sometimes regret things you did or said while drinking?
YES. But to be honest, I don’t remember 80% of what I said, did or brandished at the park to those children and that duck.
13. Have you tried switching brands or drinks, or following different plans to control your drinking?
YES. I started buy extra strength larger and also switched to vodka to get me drunk faster, but I get the feeling that’s not what you are on about.
14. Have you sometimes failed to keep promises you made to yourself about controlling or cutting down on your drinking?
YES. But who hasn’t uttered those immortal words while suffering from a hangover; “I promise I’m never drinking that much again!”
15. Have you ever had a DWI (driving while intoxicated) or DUI (driving under the influence of alcohol) violation, or any other legal problem related to your drinking?
NO. As I don’t drive [a personal choice, as I’m always drunk and would be liable for a DUI] and I’m rarely out in public drunk.
16. Do you try to avoid family or close friends while you are drinking?
NO. Gotta have someone around to carry me home or make sure I don’t choke on my own vomit, that’s just common sense really.
17. Are you having more financial, work, school, and/or family problems as a result of your drinking?
NO. I’m having more financial, work, school, and/or family problems getting in the way of my drinking.
18. Has your physician ever advised you to cut down on your drinking?
NO. As I haven’t been to see a doctor since I was 16, but if I did see one I’m sure they’d advise me to drink less, but that’s just what they say. When ever as a physician advised a patient to drink more?
19. Do you eat very little or irregularly during the periods when you are drinking?
YES.
20. Do you sometimes have the “shakes” in the morning and find that it helps to have a “little” drink, tranquilizer or medication of some kind?
NO, I don’t drink in the morning before work, instead I get some hammered the night before I wake up at least tipsy or at most still totally bladdered.
21. Have you recently noticed that you can’t drink as much as you used to?
NO. Don't be silly.
22. Do you sometimes stay drunk for several days at a time?
YES. Last year’s record was 365 days on the trot.
23. After periods of drinking do you sometimes see or hear things that aren’t there?
NO. I don’t think so. But how would I know, if I constantly see it? This question is really tripping me out.
24. Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking?
YES. But it was a barmaid.
25. Do you ever feel depressed or anxious before, during or after periods of heavy drinking?
Before? During? After? You’ve covered all bases there, so basically the question is do you ever feel depressed or anxious? Then; YES.
26. Have any of your blood relatives ever had a problem with alcohol?
YES. They’re all a bunch of drunks.
Saturday, 3 August 2013
Time for a Sketch
But, I’m a busy man-child; I don’t have time to articulate all my frustrations into words nowadays, especially seeing as this blog has been going for over five years and I’m yet to become famous or even slightly respected for all the effort I’ve put in. I blame you all, I hope you know.
That’s why blogging has taken a backseat to other aspirations I hold. The first example was my battle rap, which if it went ahead and I was successful [not in the battle, but in standing in front of a crowd and performing, without making a massive tit of myself], I was going to try my hand at a stand-up routine.
Blogging was a low priority at the begging of the year as I was developing comedy sketches for various outlets, including Newsjack, 4amCab and The Show What You Wrote. Although a mix up with submitting times and working a late shift meant that all the hard work I’d ploughed into writing for TSWYW was a total waste as I missed the deadline. I could really do with an agent or at least someone to make sure I’m actually paying attention to these fucking things I do.
I hadn’t heard anything for a while and wasn’t hoping for much from 4amCab as I’d sent them three sketches and once I clicked send email I instantly regretting one of the sketches so much I assumed they wouldn’t use anything I’d offered up. It was in very poor taste. But they the other I got a notification on Twitter [this almost never happens], excited and bemused I checked it out. And as it turns out they’d liked something I sent them and used it.
This made me happy.
The sketch has be rewritten by the wonderful people at 4amCab [this happens a lot, as at the end of the day it’s their product that they are putting out and the podcast has a certain ‘feel’ it needs to continue], but features my beginning and overall premise.
You can check out the sketch here;
You can check out the whole podcast here;
http://4amcab.com/credits/s2/credits-ep4-spudmarine/
You can Follow 4amCab on Twitter here;
https://twitter.com/4amcab
The Sketch I send them.
Sunday, 28 July 2013
Ben's Battle Bars [Round 1]
OK, let me start off by apologising for my recent lack of blogging… although you probably haven’t realised, it’s not like this my blog is your home page… although it fucking should be, you cunts.
You see, I’ve been extra busy writing battle raps. I’m far too lazy to explain that now [I’m writing this at 1.00 am after a bottle of red wine, show me some mercy, please]. Anyway, I was due to battle an individual named Shaolin Dunk, but sadly he was unable to attend due to personal problems, so after all that writing and practicing I was never able to get up in front of loads of people and embarrass myself on camera by forgetting all my lines… and making a fool of myself, but luckily for you I’m posting my ‘bars’ on my blog, seeing as I spent so much time on them they deserve to be seen by some people. Seeing as the majority of my readers [all three of you, and I am including myself in that figure] have no understanding of what battle rap is and how it works, I’ve highlighted certain lines and explained why they are [supposed to be] good.
He’s recently back from Toronto, Canada [1], so welcome to Derby; the sticks
Where we call your mum Karma as her nickname and it’s starting to stick,
cos she comes around and goes around … the largest of dicks,
And that’s how I know [that] you’re an S.O.B cos Karma’s a bitch
[1] Mentioning a fact that I’ll come back to later.
[2] “Karma comes around and goes around”, “Karma’s a bitch” With referring to my opponent’s mother as having the nickname Karma I’m able to call her a bitch and suggest she is promiscuous.
Shaolin Dunk sounds like the name Nike’d give to some Yao Ming pumps [3]
Shaolin Dunk; a novice Chinese Basketball team, coached by a howling monk,
Shaolin Dunk; a kung-fu inspired way to dip biscuits in tea when you’re out for lunch
Shaolin Dunk; a gay twist on bukkake involving a bucket, in which your boyfriends leave you showered in spunk [4]
[3] Yao Ming is a famous former NBA [basketball] star of Chinese descent, therefore I’m saying my opponent’s name is something what the Nike brand would call a pair of trainers inspired by Ming.
[4] I continue to use references towards my opponent’s chosen name ‘Shaolin’ by referencing monks and kung-fu.
Shaolin Dunk… admit it; that last line left you aroused, you punk, [5]
You; dowdy runt, how the fuck are you exactly; ‘Shaolin’, Dunk?
Cos the way I see it; [Me;] Hidden Dragon, [Him;] Crouching Skunk [6]
Let’s say; I was to get loudly drunk and turn into a rowdy cunt
[5] I’m alluding to the fact he is possibly a homosexual, nothing original, but always fun to do.
[6] I twist the title of the martial arts film; “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, so it makes me seem to be the hidden dragon and my opponent is a crouching skunk.
Would you pounce ‘n’ jump then pull some astounding stunts? [Shake Head]
Or announce some stuff so profoundly tough that the crowd erupts? [Shake Head] [7]
You’re not connecting with a “round-house thump” or those rounds you brung
And you ain’t Dhalsim, chump, just cos you stretch out a lousy punch [8]
[7] Here I describe the very possible fact of me getting intoxicated and becoming obnoxious, and question my opponent as to if he would respond physically or verbally, then quaff his ability to do either.
[8] I claim my opponent is unlike the Street Fighter character Dhalsim known for his arms that stretch as he delivers a punch. Here the word punch has a double meaning, one is the act of hitting someone with a fist, the second is short for punchline. Punchlines are used in battle rap to attack your opponent. Stretching a punch[line] is often a bad thing, basic translation is; you take too long to get to the point… a bit like this breakdown.
When I step up, I don’t have to put my Air Max on, to handle Dunk [9]
Cos he’s still on the contents page of “How to Battle Rap; Manual One”
Nobody here will ever heard a track from this random bum
If Mister Miyagi was your DJ - even he wouldn’t throw your wax on, Daniel-Son [10]
[9] Nike Air Max trainers, popular in the NBA [when I used to watch it at least], I reference my opponents name linking it to basketball/slam dunk.
[10] Karate Kid references! I twist the “wax on, wax off, Daniel-Son”, as in Hip Hop putting the wax on means a DJ playing a record.
This Pagan’s a mess, another Asian obsessed, wank guy,
That wants to change his name to Chang Kai, fly East to bang Thai’s, [… lady-boys] [11]
but I’ll save the hassle of this man’s flight, have him reincarnated in Shanghai
After killing him in Vaults, like I double crossed him on a Bank Heist [12]
[11] My opponent is very interested in martial arts and would like to visit the Far East, I over-exaggerate these facts for comical effect.
[12] The venue of the rap battle was a The Vaults, therefore I kill him [as in defeat him greatly in the battle, not literally] in Vaults, killing someone in a Vault may happen if you double cross someone on a robbery of a bank.
I have an inkling D’s thinking he’s inking schemes to injure me; ninja please
You see, I’ve been extra busy writing battle raps. I’m far too lazy to explain that now [I’m writing this at 1.00 am after a bottle of red wine, show me some mercy, please]. Anyway, I was due to battle an individual named Shaolin Dunk, but sadly he was unable to attend due to personal problems, so after all that writing and practicing I was never able to get up in front of loads of people and embarrass myself on camera by forgetting all my lines… and making a fool of myself, but luckily for you I’m posting my ‘bars’ on my blog, seeing as I spent so much time on them they deserve to be seen by some people. Seeing as the majority of my readers [all three of you, and I am including myself in that figure] have no understanding of what battle rap is and how it works, I’ve highlighted certain lines and explained why they are [supposed to be] good.
He’s recently back from Toronto, Canada [1], so welcome to Derby; the sticks
Where we call your mum Karma as her nickname and it’s starting to stick,
cos she comes around and goes around … the largest of dicks,
And that’s how I know [that] you’re an S.O.B cos Karma’s a bitch
[1] Mentioning a fact that I’ll come back to later.
[2] “Karma comes around and goes around”, “Karma’s a bitch” With referring to my opponent’s mother as having the nickname Karma I’m able to call her a bitch and suggest she is promiscuous.
Shaolin Dunk sounds like the name Nike’d give to some Yao Ming pumps [3]
Shaolin Dunk; a novice Chinese Basketball team, coached by a howling monk,
Shaolin Dunk; a kung-fu inspired way to dip biscuits in tea when you’re out for lunch
Shaolin Dunk; a gay twist on bukkake involving a bucket, in which your boyfriends leave you showered in spunk [4]
[3] Yao Ming is a famous former NBA [basketball] star of Chinese descent, therefore I’m saying my opponent’s name is something what the Nike brand would call a pair of trainers inspired by Ming.
[4] I continue to use references towards my opponent’s chosen name ‘Shaolin’ by referencing monks and kung-fu.
Shaolin Dunk… admit it; that last line left you aroused, you punk, [5]
You; dowdy runt, how the fuck are you exactly; ‘Shaolin’, Dunk?
Cos the way I see it; [Me;] Hidden Dragon, [Him;] Crouching Skunk [6]
Let’s say; I was to get loudly drunk and turn into a rowdy cunt
[5] I’m alluding to the fact he is possibly a homosexual, nothing original, but always fun to do.
[6] I twist the title of the martial arts film; “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, so it makes me seem to be the hidden dragon and my opponent is a crouching skunk.
Would you pounce ‘n’ jump then pull some astounding stunts? [Shake Head]
Or announce some stuff so profoundly tough that the crowd erupts? [Shake Head] [7]
You’re not connecting with a “round-house thump” or those rounds you brung
And you ain’t Dhalsim, chump, just cos you stretch out a lousy punch [8]
[7] Here I describe the very possible fact of me getting intoxicated and becoming obnoxious, and question my opponent as to if he would respond physically or verbally, then quaff his ability to do either.
[8] I claim my opponent is unlike the Street Fighter character Dhalsim known for his arms that stretch as he delivers a punch. Here the word punch has a double meaning, one is the act of hitting someone with a fist, the second is short for punchline. Punchlines are used in battle rap to attack your opponent. Stretching a punch[line] is often a bad thing, basic translation is; you take too long to get to the point… a bit like this breakdown.
When I step up, I don’t have to put my Air Max on, to handle Dunk [9]
Cos he’s still on the contents page of “How to Battle Rap; Manual One”
Nobody here will ever heard a track from this random bum
If Mister Miyagi was your DJ - even he wouldn’t throw your wax on, Daniel-Son [10]
[9] Nike Air Max trainers, popular in the NBA [when I used to watch it at least], I reference my opponents name linking it to basketball/slam dunk.
[10] Karate Kid references! I twist the “wax on, wax off, Daniel-Son”, as in Hip Hop putting the wax on means a DJ playing a record.
This Pagan’s a mess, another Asian obsessed, wank guy,
That wants to change his name to Chang Kai, fly East to bang Thai’s, [… lady-boys] [11]
but I’ll save the hassle of this man’s flight, have him reincarnated in Shanghai
After killing him in Vaults, like I double crossed him on a Bank Heist [12]
[11] My opponent is very interested in martial arts and would like to visit the Far East, I over-exaggerate these facts for comical effect.
[12] The venue of the rap battle was a The Vaults, therefore I kill him [as in defeat him greatly in the battle, not literally] in Vaults, killing someone in a Vault may happen if you double cross someone on a robbery of a bank.
I have an inkling D’s thinking he’s inking schemes to injure me; ninja please
Sunday, 30 December 2012
Dealing with Criticism Vol. 1
If you head over to my Why I Hate ... Drum & Bass post, you'll find a funny little rant, if you head to comments section you'll find some mu'fuckahs hating on my craft, but you'll also find me hating on some mu'fuckahs.
If you're too lazy to click a link, just look below [their comments are in italics];
What’s the fucking deal with Drum & Bass heads? Do you have to have your sense of humour surgically removed to like that genre of music?
OK, I don’t like Drum & Bass, but I don’t hate it you fucking idiots, it’s all been exaggerated for comical effect!
“Wow this type of childlike complaining is whats gonna get u no where in life” … is it? And how far in life is commenting on blogs that you don’t fully understand because your miniscule intelligence can’t properly gauge what the fuck it’s about, getting you? Your childlike spelling and use of grammar isn’t going to get you any further than me, dickface … or should I say; u no use words gud, dkhed! So go and put on some Drum & Bass and drop a pill, nah, fuck that double drop … oh wait, you’re no sissy, quadruple drop … fuck that, just keep shovelling pills down your throat and dust up your nose until your convulsing cadaver twitches in time to the beat, you cunt!
“U sad sad person. Go listen to ur.classical shit lol” … Firstly, structure a fucking sentence correctly! Or maybe you can’t because all those heavy bass beats have knocked out that primary school education you had out of your head! Clearly I’m missing the mark with you and this blog, because if you’re willing to “lol” at your own; “Go listen to your classical shit” my comical rants are too advanced for a mind like yours… because if “Go listen to your classical shit” actually made you laugh out loud, I can’t compete with such wisely crafted, humorous writing like that! I love what choice of music you do think I listen to too; classical. Do you even understand how fucking ridiculous you sound? You’re basically saying; “Go and listen to that genre of music that’s withstood the test of time so well and is so brilliant people are still listening to it this day, in fact it’s so important, it’s be given the title of; classical, because it’s classic!” You fucking moron.
Fuck you both; by commenting on this blog you’ve done more damage to the genre you hold so dearly to your drug-abused-withered hearts by exposing the fact that D&B heads look like fucking imbeciles that can’t take a joke. Peace.
If you're too lazy to click a link, just look below [their comments are in italics];
What’s the fucking deal with Drum & Bass heads? Do you have to have your sense of humour surgically removed to like that genre of music?
OK, I don’t like Drum & Bass, but I don’t hate it you fucking idiots, it’s all been exaggerated for comical effect!
“Wow this type of childlike complaining is whats gonna get u no where in life” … is it? And how far in life is commenting on blogs that you don’t fully understand because your miniscule intelligence can’t properly gauge what the fuck it’s about, getting you? Your childlike spelling and use of grammar isn’t going to get you any further than me, dickface … or should I say; u no use words gud, dkhed! So go and put on some Drum & Bass and drop a pill, nah, fuck that double drop … oh wait, you’re no sissy, quadruple drop … fuck that, just keep shovelling pills down your throat and dust up your nose until your convulsing cadaver twitches in time to the beat, you cunt!
“U sad sad person. Go listen to ur.classical shit lol” … Firstly, structure a fucking sentence correctly! Or maybe you can’t because all those heavy bass beats have knocked out that primary school education you had out of your head! Clearly I’m missing the mark with you and this blog, because if you’re willing to “lol” at your own; “Go listen to your classical shit” my comical rants are too advanced for a mind like yours… because if “Go listen to your classical shit” actually made you laugh out loud, I can’t compete with such wisely crafted, humorous writing like that! I love what choice of music you do think I listen to too; classical. Do you even understand how fucking ridiculous you sound? You’re basically saying; “Go and listen to that genre of music that’s withstood the test of time so well and is so brilliant people are still listening to it this day, in fact it’s so important, it’s be given the title of; classical, because it’s classic!” You fucking moron.
Fuck you both; by commenting on this blog you’ve done more damage to the genre you hold so dearly to your drug-abused-withered hearts by exposing the fact that D&B heads look like fucking imbeciles that can’t take a joke. Peace.
The Blogging Dead
Like quite a few people these days I have an overactive fixation with the dead [in a non-necrophilia way] and the inevitable zombie apocalypse. But I’m more than just some Walking Dead geek-boy, I’m actually looking forward to the day that the dead roam the streets feasting on the living.
Before we get into it, let me just clarify that when I’m speaking on zombies, I’m actively talking about the classic zombie; Dawn of the Dead/The Walking Dead type; slow moving hordes, not the 28 Days Later/I Am Legend; hordes of cannibalistic Usain Bolt’s charging at you. In my mind, the main aspect of zombies is that on paper they are slow, stupid, primitive beings, easy to escape from/kill individually, but the scary threat is eventually they will catch up with you, they’re a bit like killer bees in that aspect; easy to take out one but a whole load of them is trouble, obviously bees just sting, the undead devour on your innards [keep that in mind]. The super fast zombies are too much, it’s uncalled for! When the apocalypse begins and if it’s the sprinting undead I’m dealing with, I’d rather just kill myself than have to spend my life dodging those bastards because you don’t stand a chance.
Obviously, I’ve educated myself on telltale signs of the apocalypse, so I know when to act. [I’m not going to point out the signs; it’s up to you to teach yourself, it’s the zombie apocalypse people!! No time for humane gestures, that shit’s straight out the window, if I taught you everything I knew, there’d be less zombie bait around]. Now, I’m not one of those idiots that says shit like; “Wouldn’t it be cool if zombies did happen, I’d be right on the streets smashing skulls open with a baseball bat”, because firstly there’s no ‘ifs’, it will happen and also, trying to play the hero like that turns you from a buff buffoon into a buffet. That’s the first reason I’m looking forward to ‘the event’, it’s really going to separate those that act on emotions or ill thought out plots with those of us that take in our surroundings and formulate plans [that's plans, plural; Plan A-Z in case some shit you didn’t expect goes down].
When the inevitable shit hits the fan, things are going to be difficult for us British. In films there’s a whole heap of weapons used against zombies, of course the primary weapon is usually a firearm [that’s a gun, not a body part set alight to strike zombies in the face]. Now, guns aren’t readily available in the UK which leads to less psychopaths shooting up schools, but makes defending ourselves from the undead more problematic. So we have to be constantly vigilant as to what items around us could be used as weapons. For example, right now I’m sat at my PC desk [the usual place I sit at to write], if a zombie was to just shuffle into my bedroom this instant [which is impossible, my house is extremely secure from zombies and home invaders and bailiffs, but this is just a hypothetical situation], what do I have to use as a weapon? Nothing you may think, but you’d be wrong, have a quick look around the room and there are plenty of items that could be used for putting down a ‘walker’; chin-up bar [a bar you fix to the walls to do chin-ups/pull-ups]; it’s not set up as I have plenty of upper body strength, plus it’s heavy and long enough for me not to get too close to the being, nine empty bottles of Southern Comfort plus three empty bottles of wine [I drink too much, enough said]; handy for throwing at the zombies head and keeping my distance, I’m not the best at throwing stuff but I have twelve attempts, a massive plank of wood from my dismantled bed; again heavy and I get to keep my distance. Now, if none of those worked, I’d be in a bit of a predicament and I’d have to opt for closer combat to make sure I didn’t end up as a tasty human hors d’oeuvre. Luckily for me I have a screwdriver on my desk; perfect for lodging into a zombies brain, a wine glass [I’ve already said; enough said on this matter]; smash it, yet another item to be plunged into the face, make shift hooks for coats/jackets; easily detachable from my wardrobe door into a zombie’s skull. But if none of those worked, I’d easily escape the zombie’s grasp and run out of my room like a coward [my bedroom is spacious, I could dodge two zombies in here, don’t try to dodge a zombie in a box room, you’re just asking for trouble]. Now for a little exercise, take in your surroundings and see what’s available to you to use if you were met by a zombie right this minute.
I hope you didn’t get hypothetically eaten!
Hopefully, with the little insights I’ve shared, I’ve proven I’d last a while into the apocalypse, which is the place I want to be. After the initial break out, the confusion, the first massive wave of deaths, the fall of governments, emergency services and so forth is when it gets good. This is the world I really romanticise; the lawlessness of survival, because that’s all life becomes; survival, how beautifully Darwinian. The entire strains of society and modern day life have broken down; no religion, no job, no bills, no politics, no laws, no money, there’s practically nothing apart from you and them. Sometimes it seems like we just drift through life not really living it the way we should, be once the apocalypse begins everyday will be wonderful; “Wow, didn’t get eaten yesterday, hope today brings more of the same”. 99% of our troubles and fears would be based around one giant feature; zombies.
Wouldn’t life just seem so much easier?
Apart from the threat of being devoured alive.
Before we get into it, let me just clarify that when I’m speaking on zombies, I’m actively talking about the classic zombie; Dawn of the Dead/The Walking Dead type; slow moving hordes, not the 28 Days Later/I Am Legend; hordes of cannibalistic Usain Bolt’s charging at you. In my mind, the main aspect of zombies is that on paper they are slow, stupid, primitive beings, easy to escape from/kill individually, but the scary threat is eventually they will catch up with you, they’re a bit like killer bees in that aspect; easy to take out one but a whole load of them is trouble, obviously bees just sting, the undead devour on your innards [keep that in mind]. The super fast zombies are too much, it’s uncalled for! When the apocalypse begins and if it’s the sprinting undead I’m dealing with, I’d rather just kill myself than have to spend my life dodging those bastards because you don’t stand a chance.
Obviously, I’ve educated myself on telltale signs of the apocalypse, so I know when to act. [I’m not going to point out the signs; it’s up to you to teach yourself, it’s the zombie apocalypse people!! No time for humane gestures, that shit’s straight out the window, if I taught you everything I knew, there’d be less zombie bait around]. Now, I’m not one of those idiots that says shit like; “Wouldn’t it be cool if zombies did happen, I’d be right on the streets smashing skulls open with a baseball bat”, because firstly there’s no ‘ifs’, it will happen and also, trying to play the hero like that turns you from a buff buffoon into a buffet. That’s the first reason I’m looking forward to ‘the event’, it’s really going to separate those that act on emotions or ill thought out plots with those of us that take in our surroundings and formulate plans [that's plans, plural; Plan A-Z in case some shit you didn’t expect goes down].
When the inevitable shit hits the fan, things are going to be difficult for us British. In films there’s a whole heap of weapons used against zombies, of course the primary weapon is usually a firearm [that’s a gun, not a body part set alight to strike zombies in the face]. Now, guns aren’t readily available in the UK which leads to less psychopaths shooting up schools, but makes defending ourselves from the undead more problematic. So we have to be constantly vigilant as to what items around us could be used as weapons. For example, right now I’m sat at my PC desk [the usual place I sit at to write], if a zombie was to just shuffle into my bedroom this instant [which is impossible, my house is extremely secure from zombies and home invaders and bailiffs, but this is just a hypothetical situation], what do I have to use as a weapon? Nothing you may think, but you’d be wrong, have a quick look around the room and there are plenty of items that could be used for putting down a ‘walker’; chin-up bar [a bar you fix to the walls to do chin-ups/pull-ups]; it’s not set up as I have plenty of upper body strength, plus it’s heavy and long enough for me not to get too close to the being, nine empty bottles of Southern Comfort plus three empty bottles of wine [I drink too much, enough said]; handy for throwing at the zombies head and keeping my distance, I’m not the best at throwing stuff but I have twelve attempts, a massive plank of wood from my dismantled bed; again heavy and I get to keep my distance. Now, if none of those worked, I’d be in a bit of a predicament and I’d have to opt for closer combat to make sure I didn’t end up as a tasty human hors d’oeuvre. Luckily for me I have a screwdriver on my desk; perfect for lodging into a zombies brain, a wine glass [I’ve already said; enough said on this matter]; smash it, yet another item to be plunged into the face, make shift hooks for coats/jackets; easily detachable from my wardrobe door into a zombie’s skull. But if none of those worked, I’d easily escape the zombie’s grasp and run out of my room like a coward [my bedroom is spacious, I could dodge two zombies in here, don’t try to dodge a zombie in a box room, you’re just asking for trouble]. Now for a little exercise, take in your surroundings and see what’s available to you to use if you were met by a zombie right this minute.
I hope you didn’t get hypothetically eaten!
Hopefully, with the little insights I’ve shared, I’ve proven I’d last a while into the apocalypse, which is the place I want to be. After the initial break out, the confusion, the first massive wave of deaths, the fall of governments, emergency services and so forth is when it gets good. This is the world I really romanticise; the lawlessness of survival, because that’s all life becomes; survival, how beautifully Darwinian. The entire strains of society and modern day life have broken down; no religion, no job, no bills, no politics, no laws, no money, there’s practically nothing apart from you and them. Sometimes it seems like we just drift through life not really living it the way we should, be once the apocalypse begins everyday will be wonderful; “Wow, didn’t get eaten yesterday, hope today brings more of the same”. 99% of our troubles and fears would be based around one giant feature; zombies.
Wouldn’t life just seem so much easier?
Apart from the threat of being devoured alive.
Wednesday, 19 September 2012
Ben's Battle for a Bigger Blue Bin
This following is my written submission to Derby City Council applying for a bigger blue [recycling] bin.
Hello,
I currently live in a terraced house that has been converted into two flats. I live upstairs with my flatmate while a girl/woman/female occupies the flat below. The problem is that we’re basically two different households producing too much waste to fit our bins.
You see, the major problem is down to the fact that me and my flatmate/spiritual adviser/life-partner drink large quantise of alcohol; some say it’s a stigma from our university days, I personally think we’re unwilling to accept reality and do whatever we can to avoid it. We also have girlfriends and when they come over we have to ply them with enough alcohol to find us sexually attractive. The girl downstairs also likes the occasional two-day drinking binge too, taking all this into account you can begin to paint a mental picture of how much recyclable waste we are creating!
If you can’t, I’ll tell you; it’s loads. Right this instant [Wednesday 19th Sept] our blue bin is maxed out and won’t be emptied until Tuesday [25th Sept] and I have a massive bag of bottles and cans in my kitchen. This is our catch 22, although in the eyes of most we’d simply be lazy, beer drinking weirdoes, we do quite like doing our part for the environment but when our blue bin is full where should we put our recycling? In the black bin? No, of course not, that then goes about creating a situation in which the black bin is constantly full and we have black bin bags filled with rubbish all over our flat. I understand that there are recycling centres in this wonderful city we inhabit but without a car I’m unable to reach them and while I do care for the environment I don’t want to be that guy that gets on the bus with massive bags of recycling!
The main tactic I’ve been employing recently to combat this problem is hoisting myself in the bin and stomping down tin cans and glass bottles in the hope of creating more room for the same. Yet when I attempted this last week I banged my knee on the brick wall and it really, really, really hurt. I had to come inside instantly and have a little lie down as I thought I was going to throw up.
All of this fighting a loosing battle against the amount of waste we produce and physical injuries on myself has made to turn to you for help in the matter.
Hello,
I currently live in a terraced house that has been converted into two flats. I live upstairs with my flatmate while a girl/woman/female occupies the flat below. The problem is that we’re basically two different households producing too much waste to fit our bins.
You see, the major problem is down to the fact that me and my flatmate/spiritual adviser/life-partner drink large quantise of alcohol; some say it’s a stigma from our university days, I personally think we’re unwilling to accept reality and do whatever we can to avoid it. We also have girlfriends and when they come over we have to ply them with enough alcohol to find us sexually attractive. The girl downstairs also likes the occasional two-day drinking binge too, taking all this into account you can begin to paint a mental picture of how much recyclable waste we are creating!
If you can’t, I’ll tell you; it’s loads. Right this instant [Wednesday 19th Sept] our blue bin is maxed out and won’t be emptied until Tuesday [25th Sept] and I have a massive bag of bottles and cans in my kitchen. This is our catch 22, although in the eyes of most we’d simply be lazy, beer drinking weirdoes, we do quite like doing our part for the environment but when our blue bin is full where should we put our recycling? In the black bin? No, of course not, that then goes about creating a situation in which the black bin is constantly full and we have black bin bags filled with rubbish all over our flat. I understand that there are recycling centres in this wonderful city we inhabit but without a car I’m unable to reach them and while I do care for the environment I don’t want to be that guy that gets on the bus with massive bags of recycling!
The main tactic I’ve been employing recently to combat this problem is hoisting myself in the bin and stomping down tin cans and glass bottles in the hope of creating more room for the same. Yet when I attempted this last week I banged my knee on the brick wall and it really, really, really hurt. I had to come inside instantly and have a little lie down as I thought I was going to throw up.
All of this fighting a loosing battle against the amount of waste we produce and physical injuries on myself has made to turn to you for help in the matter.
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