Smoking Banter

My breakfast for the last four years has always been the same thing; a cup of tea (with milk and two sugars) and a cigarette. Yes, a cigarette, I don’t eat it of course, that would be silly. I smoke it. Of course a cup of tea is good to open up your lungs in the morning, but who wants that? I close them right back up with a smoke.

Nowadays smokers are some of the most persecuted people in Britain. Yes, I really said that people! I’m talking about the smoking ban. We’ve been living with it for a while now but that still doesn’t mean I’ve accepted it. I thought this was a democracy I was living in. But clearly nobody asked me about how I felt on the issue. This unwanted ban has leaded me to not being able to enjoy a nice cold pint and a smooth smoke in my local pub for a long time. Instead I have to go outside and smoke in the cold. Not so long ago I was in a pub and I accidentally sparked up one of my Mayfair Superkings (the brand of kings… on a budget) and I was ejected from that establishment. It’s charming; I get thrown out for inadvertently lighting up a completely legal drug while my friends are in the toilet cubicles snorting lines of cocaine, which last time I checked was an illegal drug.

And why do we still have the health warnings on packets of cigarettes? We know they’re bad for us, let up people!

“Smoking seriously harms you and others around you”
So what…? Fuck the people that are around me. I’m antisocial; I prefer to be on my own. I don’t want people around me.

“Smokers die younger”
No shit! Smokers know that smoking kills us. Why do you think we do it? It’s slow suicide! I’m too pussy to go jump off a bridge or hang myself, I’ll take cancer thanks. Plus how long have people been working on a cure to cancer? I’m sure they discover it in the next few days, it’s been long enough. And what’s wrong with dieing young anyway? People that die young are always remembered more than people that died old.

“Smoke contains benzene, nitrosamines, formaldehyde and hydrogen cyanide”
That sure is an interesting fact there. I never knew that. And I still don’t know what the fuck any of those things are, or what they do to me. But I’m guessing it’s not something good.

“Smoking kills”
Plain and simple! Yes it does. But it makes me look cool, and I’ll trade looking cool for dieing.

“Fajciari zomieraju mladsi”
Foreign cigarettes! They feature those annoying warning labels but you have no fucking idea what they say, it sure does make smoking a more pleasurable experience.

At the end of the day I know the risks of smoking but I know the risks of unprotected sex with prostitutes and I’m still doing that. But I’m not scared of cancer. I’ve survived mad cow disease, SARS, bird flu and a load of other media scares, I’m not saying cancer is a media scare, I’m just saying I’m tough.

And now the government has added scary images to my packet of cigarettes. Do they really think that a tumour growing out of someone’s throat is going to stop me? I’m an average looking bloke; I want a tumour growing out of my throat! It’ll set me apart from the mediocre looking motherfuckers that plague England! Imagine a tumour like that, what a conversation starter; “Hi good looking, I couldn’t help but notice you were staring at my cancerous tumour from across the bar. Would you like to touch it?” Women like a man that stands out, so I heard. Wouldn’t these warnings work better if they were less gender specific? Right this instant I’m staring at my packet of fags and I see “Smoking when pregnant harms your baby” OK, this is not going to stop me, I’m on the pill.

But seriously, why are smokers looked down on like we’re some type of unintelligent form of society? Why don’t other forms of society get this constant hammering from health freaks? Why are there no warnings on cars? “Warning, you may crash and die.” Where are the warnings on alcohol? “Warning, drinking this may lead to you making a move on the wrong woman which in turn will lead to her massive boyfriend kicking seven bells of shit out of you.” And what about pussy? “Warning this vagina may contain syphilis and AIDs.” If you’re trying to ruin smoking for me, you may as well just ruin all the things I like with your pointless scare mongering, you cunts!