Earlier this week a close friend of mine decided to inform me that his aim of the year is to teach little old me how to drive. Of course, I’ve heard this before. Seeing as I’m 22 years young and I’ve never had a driving lesson in my life, lots of friends have told me that they will school me on how to operate a motor vehicle. But I don’t want to learn. In my opinion, there are two kinds of people in this world; those that were born to drive and those that were born to be driven. I just so happen to fall into the second category.
Firstly, I’ve never had a driving lesson because I’ve never been interested in spending money on learning. Plus I hate tests and exams. The only reason I’m a media student at University is because we have no tests, it’s all course work, baby! I can’t pass a drug test, so fuck a driving test!
The way I see it is as soon you learn to drive you turn into a Jeremy Clarkson appreciating dickhead, who believes that traffic laws don’t apply to you. Why do all the people that drive hate speed cameras? Because they catch them breaking the law, obviously! But that’s what they’re there for, to catch you breaking the law. If you don’t want to be caught, don’t speed! I fully understand that if I smoke a joint I’m breaking the law, I don’t think I’m exempt from the law. I understand the repercussions of my actions and speeders should too. Stop bitching about speed cameras, you have it easy anyway, there’s now signs informing drivers of upcoming speed cameras. I don’t get prior warning that the police are coming to raid my bedside table for drugs or take my PC for possible underage pornography. You should value the fact that you are pre-warned to stop breaking the law before you get caught.
The thing is I really don’t want to learn to drive, because once you learn you end up buying a car. And getting a car is like kerb crawling, you’re just looking to get fucked! First you go to buy a car, but you’ve only just passed your test and you buy a second hand car, this is this the first stage of getting fucked. The second hand car dealer rips you off, because you’re a fucking idiot. Secondly you get insurance for your car, now you get fucked because you’ve only just passed your test, you’ll probably crash your car soon, so you have to pay loads of money. Thirdly you get fucked because the car you bought constantly breaks down and you take it into the garage to be fixed. Then the mechanics fuck you over for a little more of your hard earned student loan. You’d get fucked less if you’d have dropped the soap in the showers of a prison!
Also once you’ve learned to drive and have a car you have to put petrol in it (if you expect to go anywhere), which also cost money. Money I’d usually spend on weed. My dealer has kids, if he looses my business his kids not eat. I can’t have that shit on my conscience! If I drive children will starve! That’s how real it is.
Finally, I spend most of my life intoxicated and I know it is wrong to drink while intoxicated, although I’ve talked my friends into going it. But I know I’d be the intoxicated that mows down an old woman pushing her retarded grandchild in a pram. Then the media would turn me into a scapegoat for society! Lampooning my kind; young, handsome, alcoholic, Asian-loving stoners and we have it bad enough, we’re always getting blamed for everything; the War in Iraq, robbery, the Credit Crunch, AIDs, terrorism and loads of other shit.
So to conclude this blog, I don’t drive for many reason; I don’t want to get fucked, I can’t pass tests, I don’t want kids to starve and finally I don’t want to be a scapegoat. By the way I’m quite stoned at the minute. Peace!
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