You’ve Got 99 Problems, I Have One

“Oh yeah, they call me the recluse, ‘cos I don’t go outside for nothing...” sings Plan B, although I’m more into the; “Stab you in the eye, yo, with a fuckin’ biro...” style he adopted earlier on in his career, but that first line sums up my current existence brilliantly.

I have become a recluse [thought I’d come out and say it in case you aren’t familiar with Ben Drew’s work]. When I’m not at work [in a storeroom, usually on my own], I’m locked up in my bedroom, usually getting a tan from the glow of my PC monitor. The thought of trekking outside is enough to tire me out. If my house was set alight [extremely likely to happen on the street I live on], I’d still probably have to be talked into leaving the premises as if I’ve developed Stockholm Syndrome with my abode. I’m not agoraphobic, at least I’m quite sure I’m not and I’ve watched enough House M.D. to qualify myself as my own ‘medical advice giver’ and acting as my medical advice giver, I say I’m fine.

But that’s the thing, I’m always fine, it’s everyone else that’s the problem – he says from his ivory tower. I’m sure if I was to delve deeper into my own subconscious and really pin-point what the fuck is the matter, I’d finally see that it is me. Yet, I’m stubborn, much more stubborn than most and while self-deprecation is an art form I’ve mastered, I’m no where near close enough to the point of blaming myself for my own actions and feelings. Basically; it’s me, but seeing as I won’t acknowledge that, it’s YOU! You’re the fucking problem.

Not definitely you, per say. I’m not saying you [the reader] have done something to offend me, you probably haven’t done something to hinder my existence, but most people have. You see, wondering out of my house presents me with the opportunity of bumping into someone. This is something that happens to everyone on a daily basis, the thing is, I’m starting to loose patience with people... or ‘time parasites’ as I’m starting to refer to them. What is it with people and their need to communicate? Can’t they just focus what they need to articulate into blog form like me? What is this incessant desire to share every opinion, emotion and problem? Right now you’re almost certainly going to point out the irony that on this very blog I share my opinions and problems, yet they are easy to get away from; just click the little ‘X’ in the top right-hand corner [how many other Bloggers give their readers detailed steps to take to get away from their blog? – None, because I’m a trailblazer] Here are the facts people; you have two ears and one mouth [unless you’re hilariously disfigured – if so; complaints and pictures to the usual address, you fucking freaks], that means you should do twice as much listening as talking. Nobody ever learned anything from talking constantly.

When did it become so ‘normal’ for everyone to discuss their problems with each other? Whatever happened to bottling it all up until you had a nervous breakdown or went on a murderous rampage? You may argue the point that now people are discussing their problems there are less nervous breakdowns and murderous rampages, but at the end of the day, if it’s a toss up between listening to a person’s tediously, mind-numbingly, boring ‘problem’ or getting shot in the face by a stressed out, problem filled nutter on a murderous rampage, I’ll take the bullets thanks and keep shooting until you can’t make out my features anymore, I want a closed casket [ceremony] anyway.

I’ve kind of veered off course here, but never mind. To sum up people moaning about their problems is my problem and therefore causes me to live life as a recluse. See you around... although I probably won’t.

Who's Really Behind the Riots? An Alternative View

There have been a couple of riots lately, but you already know that. Us; average, non-rioting motley crew of stay-at-homes have had every type of daily medium we deal with taken over by the riots; TV, radio, Facebook, Twitter ... We’ve been absolutely bombarded with images, videos and stories of the riots, I think we’d have seen less rioting if we’d have actually been out rioting.

Of course, as always people are desperate to get to the bottom of what caused the riots? And they’re serving up the usual batch of shit. But don’t fear, because I don’t have a narrow minded view of the revolting classes that choose to revolt. I have no bias towards the police, or as I call them; “murderous, racist scum pigs”. I do hate Cameron, but that goes without saying. People are too restricted with their views on what is causing the riots; I’m here to suggest some alternative views.

The Kaiser Chiefs
Firstly let me say; I’ve even seen Hip Hop mentioned as a cause... yet I didn’t realise that the riots had a soundtrack. I think instead of initially suspecting that ‘urban types’ only listen to Hip Hop, we as a public should acknowledge that Hip Hop is fair superior to any other type of music as it’s subject matter spans the widest range of topics and it captivates every single emotion humanly possible, and that, at the end of the day we are all Hip Hop fans, so it should no longer by dragged into the spotlight and labelled as a causation of crime. The next time some buffoon decides to falsely acknowledge that a genre of music is a causation of violent or criminal behaviour, I’mma pop a cap in ass! Word to his crack-smokin’ momma!

In 2004 the Kaiser Chiefs predicted a riot. Yep, seven years ago these guys knew it was coming and they did nothing to try and stop it. In my opinion that is completely shameful. Why aren’t the media turning on them? I’ve seen a rapper on Newsnight condemning the actions of these rioters, but where the fuck are the Kaiser Chiefs? They aren’t condemning what they predicted, they aren’t apologising for not working more closely with the police to put together a plan to halt or even curb the rage we’ve seen lately. I think there should be a national campaign against the band until they are demoted to Kaiser Constables.

Out-of-Work Builders
For a change we need to take into account who’s really profiteering off of these riots. Yes, maybe a looter has got a new flat-screen TV or brand new pair of Nikes, but it is out-of-work builders that are going to see an increase of cash flow over the coming days, weeks and months. For this reason we must suspect that they could be the ones inciting these riots.

Let’s face it; the economy isn’t at its strongest these days and companies aren’t splashing out money on rebuilding stores, so builders must create business for themselves. How would they go about doing that? By burning buildings down! It’s the fucking out-of-work builders, people, think about it!

JD Sport/Currys
Two of the most looted stores in the riots have been JD Sport and Currys. Is this a coincidence? No, of course not.

As I have already mentioned we are currently in an economical downturn and in the world of capitalism flagging companies will do anything to stay afloat. Let’s face it, out of all of the chav attire supplying, discount sports shops JD has to be one of the weakest. Also; not too long ago there was a Currys in Derby’s Westfield Centre (a big mall/shopping centre) until it relocated because the company could no longer afford the rent! This is a national supplier of electrical goods that can’t afford to pay rent, I’m constantly broke and even I can afford to pay rent, which means, I, as an individual, am currently more successful than Currys. These two companies probably aren’t turning over money like they used to. So the riots and looting have almost certainly given them the chance to cash in on some major insurance claims. These companies will more than likely make more money from insurance claims over the next few days than they would have made all year.

Rupert Murdoch
It’s become a struggle to remember what the news was reporting on before the riots, some people are even suggesting news coverage never existed before the riots, well it did people! And the biggest news story was the phone hacking scandal. Do you remember now?

I wouldn’t put it past Mr. Murdoch and his vile excreting media outlets to create a national ruckus to defer attention away from himself and the News of the World story. Both The Sun and The Times [both owned by Murdoch’s NewsCorp] have been reporting on the riots, this only acts as further proof, surely! Now with the riots in full swing people’s minds have been overloaded and actions of Murdoch’s minions have been cast to the never regions of our collective memory bank. I’m willing to bet those investigating the scandal have forgot about it, leaving everyone involved to get off scot-free.

So there it is people. Instead of blaming a couple of youths that like setting buildings alight and looting clothes and electrical goods, maybe we should start casting doubt over the individuals and companies that are really making financial and personal gain over what has been taking place. Then, perhaps, we will see who is really to blame [hint; it’s those people I’ve just mentioned] ... and the Kaiser Chiefs, don’t forget about the fucking Kaiser Chiefs.

A Different Kind of Sick Blog

Hello loyal follower/random passer-by/Facebook Friend that clicked a link; how are you today?

Enough with the pleasantries you tossers, I don’t really care how you feel today because I feel like shit. Not just any regular shit, but proper shit, really fucking shitty. You know them shits that you take and then examine for a good five minutes before you flush, while thinking; “Now that’s a shit!” well that’s how I feel at this instant. Right now I’m sat quarantined in my bedroom with the curtains drawn, lights off, surrounded by brittle, discarded tissues like some 13-year-old virgin that’s just discovered PornHub. I’m not in an emotional state in case that’s what you were wondering, I’m not mulling around in darkness because of feelings of guilt. Guilt is for convicted paedophiles and embarrassed MPs and I’m neither of them ... yet. I’m wallowing in a sea of self-pity because I’m ill. Not just ill though; infected.

I don’t get “poorly-sickies”, easily. It’s quite a surprise that my immune system is able to keep me safe guarded from the many viruses floating around the contaminated public that inhabit Derby, due to my complete lack of staying healthy and continued consumption of alcohol randomly discovered on the street. The pure fact that I spent 99.9% of my life disease-free should be viewed as a medical mystery. But on those off occasions that a Trojan Horse penetrates my Firewall, not even a [Spyware] Doctor can remove the Infection. Sometimes I wish humans were more like computers, so that when we did fall victim to some sickness we could just System Restore to a previous day or turn ourselves off and start from Last Known Good Configuration. Plus if women were more like computers it’d be much easier to turn them on [Hey lads, am I right? Or what?] and they’d be easier to boot up [although domestic violence is wrong, no matter how drunk you claim to be].

What makes this matter worse is that today is my day off. One of the very few times I get to spend relaxing, sitting around doing nothing and I’m stuck inside; relaxing and sitting around doing nothing... while being ill. There’s a massive difference in there, somewhere, because now instead of watching random videos and YouTube in my boxers, I’m watching videos on YouTube in my boxers coughing up chunks of phlegm that could drown a kitten, small dog or a new born child. Detainees at Guantanamo Bay had it piss easy compared to my current situation. Suffragettes can suck a dick; I’m the one that’s suffering here.

My sinuses are more blocked than the A38 in rush hour. My oesophagus feels as if I’m deep-throated a spiked bat. I’m dripping sweat like a chunky porn star in a steam room scene. My skeleton aches like someone’s been into my room last night and stolen all my fucking bone marrow to sell on the black market. I’ve got pale mucus slithering out of orifices I didn’t even know I had. And loads of other shitty analogies that I’m too tired to think of...

Now I’m off to cram in a bunch of Halls and Soothers in my month in an attempt to nullify my gullet long enough to enjoy a smoke.

iAtus Explained

Some would say that since I haven't been posting blogs lately the internet hasn't quite been the same. These people are clearly deluded, but I fucking love them for it. I'm not going to speculate on the rumours surrounding my recent hiatus, for a couple of reasons, the main one being there's been no rumours. Turns out I'm not as popular as I and other deluded people think I am. But that's fine by me, popularity is a difficult to achieve and even harder to keep up – I can barely sustain an erection, so I'm definitely not ready to take on a burden of popularity. Plus to be popular, you have to keep on the cusp of fashion and recent events, I'm fair to busy cruising YouTube and Facebook stalking for that shit.

Anyhow, I will tell you readers [if there's any of you left] why I have been away. You see, what I've done here is mention that I haven't been writing lately to get you wondering why and now I've drawn you in, you want to continue reading, that's the sign of a good writer - while pointing it out is the sign of a unpopular blogger stroking his own ego and only mentioning it to pad out the whole blog [62 extra words, POW!!]. The fact of the matter is I've been away because something spectacular has happened to me. I'm sure it's happened to plenty of other people lately, maybe some people you know. I haven't had my phone hacked by News of the World [or any other News Corp publication] if that's what you're wondering. This is probably because I have no voice-mail, plus if I did, I trust the people with my phone number to not say anything incriminating in a message, that's just common sense. But the reason for my hiatus is phone related. Addicted to phone sex lines? No. Obsessed with prank calling elderly relatives? No. Did I set my phone to vibrate, lube it up and slide it into my sphincter? No.

I got myself a new phone; an iPhone!

Now I've never had much love for Apple products or apples in general unless they're Granny Smith's [shout out to Granny Smith – I'm trying to get corporate funding or at least so free apples], I have an iPod [but c'mon, who doesn't?], I detest Macs and I could never see myself owning an iPad. I don't know what it is about them, I'm sure the products work perfectly well and are built to an extremely excellent standard, but I get the impression that anyone that owns an iPhone/iPad/Mac is a pompous, pretentious prick.

Right about now I'd like to say; I'm the exception that proves the rule, but I'm not. I can slowly feel the cuntishness iPhone owner traits creeping into my everyday life. Such things as calling my phone an iPhone in conversations, so instead of saying; “Yeah, you can borrow my phone.” I say; “You can't touch my iPhone with your grubby little mitts, you cock!” I've gone app crazy; Lotto app to check my numbers, Hay-fever app to check the pollen count, WordPress app so I can blog on the move – but guess what I've got no time to write because I'm too busy playing on my iPhone … Yeah, iPhone, not phone; iPhone! I get it out of my pocket at least once every ten minutes to unlock it, scroll through the menu, just to lock it again – I don't know why, there's no justification in it, it's just a natural reaction now. And the games... oh the games. I initially told myself, I wouldn't get Angry Birds, let alone become addicted to it, but guess what, I did and I have. So far my friends have hosted three interventions for my Angry Bird addiction and although they've all explained in massive detail how playing Angry Birds is slowly eroding what's left of our dying relationships/friendships, I still don't give a flying fuck. Some apps are only 59p, that is a fucking bargain, don't Mars bars cost more than that now and they last about a minute, a good app could keep you entertained for days on end.

Having owned a BlackBerry and now an iPhone, I feel comfortable wading in on the classic debate; BlackBerry vs iPhone. Going from a BlackBerry to an iPhone is like going from a hand job from a ugly crackhead to shagging Miss World. Don't get me wrong, the BlackBerry is a good phone (crackheads can also give good hand jobs – so I'm told) but the iPhone is an experience, it ceases being a phone, it becomes a friend, and as you begin to favour it over mates, family members and loved ones, it becomes your only friend and as time goes on it becomes your only reason to live.


I struggled to stay focussed on this because I kept playing on my iPhone, sorry it wasn't better.

Life, Living and Nike's 'Just Do It' Mini Backpacks

Hi haters, sorry about the hiatus … I've been high ages.

So, what's been happening? The answer; nothing.

It's abruptly come to my attention that while I happen to just about manage to live day to day without dying or getting 'sparked out' by unnamed battler rappers, I don't really have much of a life to speak of. And while that's always been remotely true to some degree, I at least had the determination to be opinionated and passionate about subjects, to the point I would attempt to air my frustrations while hunched over my PC puffing away on a constant supply of cigarettes.

Yet those days seem a distant memory now, as I feel I've given up on giving a fuck. Don't get me wrong, things do slightly annoy me. The most recent thing being the overwhelming popularity of Nike's “Just Do It” Mini Backpacks amongst teenage boys.

They [the teenage boys] look even more like fucking adolescent pricks than they already are with those ridiculous miniature backpacks on. Seriously what is the point of these bags? They're tiny, a two month premature baby has a bigger sack. I see them as an easy way to spot out which members of a teenage group are still virgins. I was going to take it upon myself to punch anyone under fifteen [years of age] in the face if I saw them wearing one [I have no shame in beating up minors, I pick my fights and I pick the ones I'll win], and as they lay on the floor crying [and probably bleeding – cos I'm hard as fuck, mate], I'd rip the bag off their back, unzip it and proceed to shit into it. After a few minutes of deliberation, I obviously opted against this plan for two reasons; one; these bags are so small, if I was to take a dump in one the shit would probably overflow [like a toilet backing up after a Christmas Dinner Shit], two; at the end of the day I don't actually hate them enough to go to the trouble of inflicting violence on a child no matter how idiotic the latest fad makes them look, plus I'm Ben Broughton, I should be saving my faeces for better things, like; freezing them to throw at stray cats or probably medical research, cos the other day I took one the size of my forearm, no word of a lie.

Anyway, less shit talk [get it? shit talk, I was talking about shit – whoo, still got it bitches!], what the fuck am I going to do about my life? I've got to start living it, I'm not going to be around much longer. I'm 24 now, I had a mid-life crisis at 13, so I reckon I have about two good years ahead of me.

Maybe I have some sort of post-Graduation depression, I'm no longer a student and I can't adapt to 'normal society' [I use that term loosely when describing life in Derby]. I'm a bit like a prisoner released back into the community only knowing prison life. It's not as if my life has changed that much; I still hang around the same small select group of friends, any extra money goes on intoxicants, I don't do University assignments … Hey! Look at that! It's exactly the same! [Pointing out my own shitty downfalls is the only way I can cope with coming at the bottom of my class].

Now to prove I'm lacking focus and drive; THE END.

Milkin' It

I don't know if you've seen the recent adverts for milk but they feature 'celebrities' with little slogans relating to milk. Here's a couple of examples;

“white magic” for that ginger one from Harry Potter.
“milks on the button” for Jenson Button
“keepin' it fresh” for Usher
“pixie drinks lotts” for Pixie Lott

But this one is too far IMO;

Ben on Bin

Osama bin Laden from Al-Jazeera’s popular ratings grabber; “Jihad Hour” television show has been shot in the face Call of Duty style. America has finally nabbed the Worst’s Most Wanted Man, although it’s kind of a hollow victory to say that, as they are the ones that bestowed that accolade on him in the first place.

Everyone has an opinion on the death of Osama bin Laden and the way it [/he] was executed by the American dudes [can’t remember what they were; Navy Seals I think], so you’ve read theirs, so here is mine;

Should They Have Killed Him?
I have never killed a man, check my non-existent police file if you don’t believe me. I’m not sure what it takes to kill another man, although weapons and ammo would logically be the best place to start. I think, please remember my education on military action comes from watching Band of Brothers and Saving Private Ryan, taking him alive would have been better, yet I was not invited to take part in the raid of his lair [you have to call the house he was staying in a lair – it drives home the impression he was a criminal mastermind, the sort of villain James Bond would fight in one of his terribly predictable films], probably because my armed forces knowledge is based around TV and film. I would say taking him alive would have likely provided more information on al-Qaida via waterboarding which is very different from wakeboarding, yet I always think they’re the same thing. If they were able to capture him maybe eventually we’d [the public] would have got to see a photo of him in his underwear just like Saddam Hussein – remember that? How funny was that?

Was it Right to Shoot an Unarmed Man?
When I first saw the headline, I thought it read; “Bin Laden Unharmed”, I instantly thought he was some super human, or some kind of deity, that he really was chosen by Allah and that it was time to convert to Islam. Thankfully, I’d just misread the word, he was unarmed, as in he had no weapons. One newspaper [The Sun, I think] went with the headline; “Bin Laden Unarmed like his victims on 9/11 and 7/7”, which I’m not sure about, guns are very popular and easy to come by in the States, I’m willing to bet a couple of people that died that day were packing heat, but that’s besides the point.

It has been stressed that Bin Laden could have been wearing a suicide vest, which is true, he could have been, yet that makes me think if this is likely he’d have to wear a suicide vest constantly. I know the man was dedicated to the fall of the West and global Islam, but wearing a suicide vest all the time? It’s a lot to ask, especially when you’re living in a ‘safe house’.
But was it right? Face it, if anyone deserves to be shot unarmed it is Osama Bin Laden [from a Westerners point of view anyway]. Of course from the other point of view this action is easy to propagate into terrorism by America.

Should They Have Buried Him at Sea?
This topic is causing problems. Some are saying that it wasn’t fitting with Islamic tradition; others are saying he doesn’t deserve any right to have a traditional burial. As I keep saying I have never killed a man, yet if I did I would be in quite a rush to dispose of the body, it’s like Murder 101. Maybe this is what happened with the Osama’s corpse, plus who’d want a decomposing body on their ship? Not me, that’s for sure. How can you enjoy a good game of shuffleboard with a fucking cadaver stinking up the fresh sea breeze? The argument for burying him at sea was that his grave could become a shrine for extremists. I don’t know if American intelligence [and I use that term loosely] know this but; you can create a shrine for someone anywhere, not just of their graves. I’ve created numerous shrines to the girls/women I’ve been stalking over the years. Those shrines made up of locks of hair, toe nail cuttings, blurry photos and used tampons were always constructed in my wardrobe, not once was it on their shrine made on their grave, even after they all died under strange circumstances … like I’ve said; I have never killed a man. The American’s apparently tried to pawn off his body to Pakistan and Saudi Arabia, yet shockingly they didn’t want it. America’s relationship with these two countries isn’t exactly great, trying to shift off his body to these is like calling in a favour from a Facebook friend [you accept yet have no contact with, they’re just there to bunk up your friend count] to help dispose of the body of that Jennifer girl you’ve been stalking.

Did Pakistan Know He Was There?
I have no idea. Next question.

Should America Release the Photos?
Not the ones of Pippa Middleton in a bikini – because we all want to see those, but the ones of a dead Osama. It is believed that releasing the photos would cause outrage in the Arab would, you know, like killing him DIDN’T! It would be nice to see some proof, as conspiracy theorists are always going to deny it was Osama, now they have good reason too. I don’t think it should stop at the photos, I want to see the video feed captured on one of the troops head-cam, that apparently Obama was watching [not sure if it was the President, at first it was then apparently it was someone else watching it, relaying to the Head of State – the story changes so much, spurring on conspiracy theorists]. We got to see Saddam die, why not Osama too? America has released some DVDs/Videos captured from Osama’s ‘mansion’ today, but they’ve removed the audio as the speeches may rally extremists because as we all know Arab people can’t lip-read! The videos released apparently feature bloopers too – which I joked about via Facebook the day of his death.

Was it Worth it?
Well American’s were celebrating in the streets, which I can understand to a certain degree. The man has become to the face of terrorism and now he’s gone. Now we have to wait and see what will transpire next. A warning has already been put out that terrorists could respond to the death of their leader – so the world is no safer without him. America is now attempting to hunt down Bin Laden’s number two; al-Zawahiri, so it’s clear that the War on Terrorism is far from over – plus Americans will always need someone to hunt down so they can withhold their positions in the Middle-East. Of course it is likely that just because you’ve removed the head of al-Qaida there’s nothing from it growing another one, like Jeebs the pawn shop owner from Men in Black.

Obama has received a rise in popularity in the polls due to Osama’s death. Which is good for him, I suppose. Nick Clegg could have single-handedly captured Osama, bought him back to England in a headlock and still wouldn’t have seen his popularity rises in the local elections.

Whatever your opinion on Bin Laden, keep it to yourself, because all this talk of it is getting old, at least when the Royal Wedding was in the news I could check out pictures of Pippa Middleton’s lovely bottom.