Ben Broughton's Guide to being British

Nowadays there’s some much talk about being British. In our times many immigrants and asylum seekers flock to Britain for a better life. I have no problem with this because many of these people provide much needed jobs in today’s Britain. But for them to stay in Britain some have to take a test, so I have written this for them. It’s my guide to being British.

If you know all the words to the British National Anthem, you are not British.

If you think any British sporting team can be victorious in an international competition such as the World Cup, you are not British. As long as you say something along the lines of, “Yes, we’ll win this time around”, but deep down you truly know that we won’t, then you are British.

If you speak the Queens English, you are not British. Let’s face it, the Royal Family are German.

If you think Margaret Thatcher was a bitch, you’re British.

If you don’t vote, you’re not British.

If you hate American’s, you’re British.

If you think the Millennium Dome and London Eye were a complete waste of money, you are British.

If your favourite breakfast is a fry-up, you’re British.

If you think Indian/Chinese takeaway is excellent British cuisine, you’re British.

If you think Larger should only be served in pints, you’re British.

If you don’t watch the Queens speech on Christmas Day then you’re British.

If you watch too many American sitcoms, you’re British.

If you think the BBC wastes the TV Licence money, you’re British.