How to Deal with getting dumped.

Most people get dumped at some part in their shitty lives, it’s a sad truth. But don’t worry because I’m here to help you deal with the rejection and the eventual realisation that nobody loves you. And I bet you are thinking; “Why should I take advice form this fool?” Because I’m one of the beautiful people, I have experience with being rejected; I’ve had my cancerous heart broken before so I have experience with this. I’m more experienced than any journalist that writes in the problem pages of the tabloids (Fuck Deidre from The Sun, that bitch never responded to my letters – so I had to help myself!). So here it is, the Ben Broughton guide to getting dumped:

1) Get back with your partner.
I’m joking of course, this won’t happen. She’s already moved on, got a restraining order and her new man can kick the shit out of you. So forget it.

2) Drink.
It’s so unoriginal but it’s the first thing to do. Drink motherfucker, drink! Keep drinking until the hangover pain is worse than the pain of being heartbroken.

3) Drugs.
Much like drink, bet better. Heroin is probably the best bet. Smackheads are never heartbroken, so become one and never worry about getting dumped again, although becoming a smackhead will probably put an end to the rest of your life.

4) Self Harming.
It’s not just for Emo’s anymore! Any loser can never hurt themselves. So do it, cut yourself a bit, it takes your mind off being unloved.

5) Suicide.
It’s a bit strong, but it certainly puts an end to that heartache. But do think about your reputation after you’ve done it. Killing yourself over getting dumped it’s a bit strong, and at the same time, who’ll turn up to your funeral, you’re not exactly Mr Popular.

6) Become Gay.
Face facts, women hate you and you’re never going to get another one so you may as well turn gay. There’s nothing wrong with being homosexual, so give it a try.

7) Revenge.
This is the good one guys! You’ve been made to look like a fool, you’ve had your heart torn out of your chest and then the girl you loved has walked all over it. Now you can inflict pain on her, like she did to you. Follow these simple techniques:

• Post those naked photos of your ex on Facebook/MySpace/Bebo/The Misadventures of Ben Broughton Blog*

• Upload those naughty oral sex videos from your phone online too.

• Kidnap then kill her pet. Cut off its limb and post them to her.

• Tell everyone she gave you crabs.

• Make some phone sex cards featuring her mobile phone number and leave them in public telephone boxes.

• Tell her new boyfriend/girlfriend (in case you turned her gay) that you’re still sleeping with her, which will ruin her new relationship.

• Hack her email or online social network profiles and change the information and send hateful messages to her best friends.

* Just get in contact with me if you have any photos you would like me to share. I’m happy to upload them for you, I’d do anything to help a fellow bitter ex got retribution.