I'm going to be a Dad ...

It’s time to let the world know that I’m going to be a father. Yes, after years of believing I was firing blanks it turns out I’m not, or maybe I am and my girlfriend is being a whore. I just wanted to write this Blog to explain a few things because I’m sick of repeating myself and answering the same questions. So here I go …

“Were you trying for a baby?”
No we weren’t trying to get pregnant, but we were having unprotected sex.

“Why weren’t you using protection?”
It feels better without a condom.

“What about the pill?”
We’re always taking pills, just not that ‘pill’.

“Were you surprised that she got pregnant?”
Of course I was. I didn’t even know twelve year olds could get pregnant.

“Are you sure you’re the dad?”
No.

“How has your mum the news?”
I’m not telling her, she had a stroke last year. I don’t want to kill her … just yet!

“How did her family take the news?”
I have no idea. I only bought the mail-order-bride, not the mail-order-bride and family. I didn’t have that much money. I’m sure if they survived the tsunami or haven’t been murdered by their oppressive government, they’ll be happy about it.

But I’m looking forward to being a dad. I think years of being neglected by my own father have made being a father look easy for me. For me a father is someone that never sees his kids, never pays anything towards his kids and never buys any birthday/Christmas present. That’s basically what I do now, so I don’t think it will affect my life at all.

Of course it took us a while to discover she was even pregnant. It’s hard to notice you’ve missed a period when you’ve never had one. At first I just thought my future baby mother was just getting a little fat. And as for morning sickness, it’s a lot like a hangover, so it’s easy to confuse the two. Because we’re a young couple, well she’s a young girl and I still think I’m sixteen so we still enjoy drinking every night and the weekly drug binges. Of course drinking and taking drugs when you’re pregnant is probably not good for the child, but it’s a bastard child being born into a loveless relationship of a drug addict and a school girl, this child is bound to have problems and end up on crack anyway. If it’s born addicted it just saves itself a few week of sobriety.

I need to tell you I believe in smacking children, not because I think it’s the best way to punish children, but because my partner has hit puberty now, she’s getting bigger and strong and starting to fight back. And I can’t afford a punch bag. So hitting the baby will be the only form of getting rid of my stress.