Why I Hate ... Starbucks

The other day I happened to do something which shames me to no end. I broke a rule I had set down for myself. Although as a general public we follow rules and laws placed down by other people, I tend to follow my own set of rules, these (rules of mine) range from many different things, but I’m getting off topic. The rule that I broke was; never go to Starbucks. Sadly, after all these years of avoiding those evil places I stepped foot in one, possibly risking my socialist status in society. I didn’t enter on my own accord; of course, I was with an individual that wanted to go. I, in no way, shape or form wanted to enter Starbucks, but we do strange things for the people we love.

My hatred of Starbucks stems from my hatred of coffee itself. I think it’s vile; it’s what I imagine Satan’s cum to be. It’s so easy to hate coffee, when it is usually grouped together with tea, a drink I love. I show further hate for Starbucks coffee, because of all the fancy-types of coffee you can purchase, all of which seem to me be written in an uncomprehendable language. It’s basically fancy names for fancy shit.

One thing about Starbucks, much like Subway, is one is not enough for a city. Let’s take Derby for example, last count; I counted three Starbucks, all in a radius of less than half a mile. What is the reason for so many? There isn’t one decent record shop in Derby but we have three Starbucks, there’s something wrong with the world we live in; where a disgusting drink is given priority over quality music, it’s almost as if Hitler won the war, in my opinion.

So as I sat in Starbucks, the stench of coffee beans filled my nostrils and I could feel the vomit slowly creeping up my throat. As the sick gargled in the back of my mouth, I contemplated spitting it out on the floor, but I’d feel too sorry for the minimum wage earning bastards that worked in Starbucks – who’d be left to clean it up. So I did what any self-respecting person would do; I swallowed it. Gross, I know but it tasted better than coffee. Luckily for me, the sink of arrogance from the customers sat in Starbucks quickly neutralised the smell coming from the coffee. This is another reason I hate Starbucks. For some reason going to Starbucks is seen as something good to pompous people. It’s filled with individuals that see themselves as better than the general public because they’re drinking at Starbucks. These are the kind of people that really believe what they’re discussing is important and that they’re really intellectuals, but the truth is I’ve heard more knowledgeable discussions on a preschool playground at lunchtime.

The major problem is Starbucks is Americanism at it’s finest. As soon as you enter a member of staff should give you a pistol and a pamphlet entitled; “How To Shoot Up Your High School”. There is nothing wrong with adopting a slight bit of American culture, but it seems that the worst parts of Americanism is pushed on our nation and we’re fooled into believing companies such as Starbucks are what we need. When they’re not. Why can’t we have a nice British place to drink a cup of tea? Oh we have, it’s called home! So stay at home people, Fuck Starbucks!