I've only ever had two job interviews in my life; one that was years and years ago, and one the other day. I can't remember the first one much, drink and drugs have eroded those memories, thankfully. But as of late I've been detoxing [because of financial reasons, I haven't matured – and don't intend to] so my most recent interview is fresh in my mind … and seeing as it was only two days ago it probably should be.
Job interviews are hard, like a virgin's penis in a strip-club. It's difficult to go that long without swearing and suppressing the real me [a complete cunt]. I spend most of my time in the company of people that know me, so my attitude, language and cuntishness [Shakespeare made up words, so I'm having a crack] aren't a problem. They're all part of my 'charm' in the eyes of my comrades/friends/family members. But when I'm in the presence of someone new I have to over analyse every sentence I'm about to utter to make sure it's suitable for the situation. Of course in a job interview this is hard, as I'm expected to seem professional and be up to the challenge of answering these questions in a timely manner.
It's important to gloss over certain details in job interviews too. For example; in the interview I had the other day the interviewer asked; “What do you get up to outside of work?” A simple question, the simple answer is; “Drinking large quantities of alcohol, smoking marijuana, illegally downloading films/music and writing hate-filled rants on random subjects from Religion to Capitalism.” As I'd bothered to shower, iron a shirt and wear a suit for this interview [yes, I did “Suit Up!”], I wasn't going to say that. Instead my mind went into a spasm attempting to grasp at any half-believable lie I could spout out of my mouth. In the end I went with; “Go out with my girlfriend, to the cinema or a meal, maybe sometimes to the pub for a drink.” I think in the confusion I actually said 'girlfriends' instead of 'girlfriend', making me look like some ubber-cool mack-daddy-pimp [the proof that I'm not an ubber-cool mack-daddy-pimp, is in the fact I've just written 'ubber-cool mack-daddy-pimp'].
Of course in the interview the subject matter of my University studies [; Media Studies] came up. I've talked about this many times before with people and it always seems to go down the same way. I tell people the aspects I liked; writing, print production [magazine/website design] and the aspects I wasn't too fond on; broadcast production [making a TV show] and all that boring shit [semiotics – don't bother researching it, unless you're an insomniac, because semiotics is the cure]. Then people ask what I'd like to do with what I learned, my answer is; “I'd like to write.” to which they always respond; “So you want to be a journalist?” [honestly, 100% of the time this is the follow up question] to which I have to say; “No, I'd like to write for TV, radio or maybe a magazine.” This is the point when facial expressions change. When people think I'm going to be a journalist they seem filled with hope for me, like there's a chance I could actually do it, when I shoot that idea down and explain my actual dreams, people seem to dismiss me as some kind of lunatic. It's like they think anyone can be a journalist, just walk into a newspaper's head office, get a job and start churning out propaganda for whichever tabloid/broadsheet you've aligned yourself with. But when I express my ambition to write for TV people assume I'm just some fucking idiot that has no idea what the fuck I'm chatting about. This of course happened in the interview. There was a few seconds of uncomfortable silence. The interviewer than asked me if I'd had anything published, I haven't but I was tempted to tell her about My Blog, then I quickly decided not to mention it. Although I'm extremely proud of my Blog, the content of it is not going to appeal to a future employer.
The fact is interviews are all about talking yourself up, making yourself out to be better than anyone else applying for the job, acting like your shit doesn't stink. Well guess what; my shit does stink. I've never been one for bigging myself up. I'm more about tearing other people down to the point that they're so low I just seem better because I'm still at the same level. There were plenty of applicants for this job I was going for. If the interview had been conducted in a room with everyone that applied, I'd have happily torn them all to pieces to make myself out to be the best one for the job. But sadly it doesn't work that way, instead the biggest shit talker will more than likely get the position. But congratulations to them, because they have learned how to play the game.
Usually I'd compile a list of helpful tips to aid anyone in interviewing techniques, but sadly I have no knowledge of this subject matter, well not enough to put a list together. So you're on your own, sorry.
Sunday, 28 November 2010
Friday, 19 November 2010
Scient-LOL-ogy [An Idiot's Guide]
What is Scientology all about? I don't know and I can't be bothered to research it either, but from what I can gather it's a type of Religion/Cult that's all about aliens or some-type of shit like that. Despite this fact I'm still going to write a rant about it anyway because that's the kind of stubborn idiot I am.
It seems that Scientology is much bigger in America when compared to England, much like obesity and school shootings [yeah, I went for an American's are fat joke – lame, yet still funny]. There's massive interest in Scientology because a lot of Hollywood stars are involved in the the Religion/Cult. For example most of my favourite shows (past and present) feature Scientologists; That '70s Show, My Name is Earl, Malcolm in the Middle, South Park [but everyone knew that – it's safe to say around 87.6% of what I 'know' about Scientology comes from that infamous episode] and even The Simpsons! I thought the stereotype was that Jews ran Hollywood, seems there may have been a shift. But what is so appealing about Scientology? Again, I have no idea, I have yet to be invited to a Scientology party. But that's fine by me, because I get invited to loads of parties everyday and I don't really give a fuck, because I don't need a Religion/Cult to be cool – I have a Blog, with 19 followers! I am a Religion/Cult!
Maybe this is what is fuelling the interest in Scientology. The majority of the general public is infatuated with what celebrities do. Even I am to a certain degree, and while I don't give a shit about Cheryl Cole [-can't remember her actual surname] changing her hair colour, if you present me with a famous person I have a connection with I become interested. Take Will Smith for example, I've grown up with Will Smith [not out in Philly] being in my life from as early as I can remember. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air taught me how to be cool and also how to structure jokes to offend fat or short African-Americans that happen to be my uncle or my cousin. I watched Will Smith grow from a rapper to a sitcom actor to the biggest movie star in the world. And I will gladly admit that he is the one person on this Earth that is cooler than me. Yet when I read online that he is interested in Scientology I'm suddenly wondering what the big deal is. If Will Smith is on board, Scientology is going to be huge. Of course the biggest poster boy for Scientology is Tom Cruise but to be fair I've never given a shit about Tom Cruise or any of his work. I don't care if he puts in name to a movie cast, if he wants to impress me he should put his name to a suicide note – then I'd be interested.
But I wonder why so many famous people are involved with Scientology. Maybe it's just a new fad for them. I suppose you have a choice of either taking up Scientology or adopting a foreign baby if you're living that lifestyle. Maybe soon enough both these fads will die out and be replaced by something else like having a pet polar bear and always wearing roller-skates, when that day roles around all these actors will dump Scientology and get rid of their 'children', so all these unwanted orphans will be forced to live in abandoned Scientology places of worship. The high life, it's so fickle.
Scientology has come under fire from critics, with some going as fair as saying that brainwashing is involved. To be honest, brainwashing gullible Yanks is like fastening Velcro shoes [I was going to say tying your laces, but then I made it even simpler]. Criticisms come at L. Ron Hubbard; the creator of Scientology. For some reason people think because this man wrote 138 novels that mainly went along the lines of science fiction or adventure, he could have possibly just made the whole story behind Scientology up! You know that story of Xenu the Galactic Confederacy dictator that bought loads of his people to Earth over 75 million years ago... Anyway, some cynical critics believe that the science fiction writer could have made that all up!?
To be fair it seems as it is perfectly fine to throw insults at Scientology, because from the outside looking in it's absolutely ridiculous the thought that we were all planted her by some alien being. But when you step back and compare it to religions we have grown up with, religions that are well established it's no more crazy than any of them. An invisible deity that watches over our every move and every thought – we're just so desensitised to the idea we stop seeing it for what it is; fucking insane. In this respect Scientology is no different from any other religious sect, if people choose to believe in something because it fills a gap in their life, they can. Who are we to say which idiotic belief is more moronic than another? It is my personal opinion that the chance of there being an alien existence dramatically outweighs the possibility of there being an omnipotent being. I'm not saying this alien being will be intelligent, I'm just saying there must be some biological life form on another planet in our universe.
Overall, Scientology is one of the few religions that doesn't inflict wars on other religions, as far as I know they don't make it a habit of slaughtering individuals that hold alternate beliefs. If Scientology is just some type of hustle that parts gullible Hollywood stars with their stacks of dollars, it's doing no real harm to anyone.
In the end I did try to educate myself on some aspects of Scientology, I even came across some Wikipedia pages under the ending; 'Scientology versus the Internet' one of those pages was; 'Church of Scientology editing on Wikipedia', although when I went to view it, it was completely empty.
It seems that Scientology is much bigger in America when compared to England, much like obesity and school shootings [yeah, I went for an American's are fat joke – lame, yet still funny]. There's massive interest in Scientology because a lot of Hollywood stars are involved in the the Religion/Cult. For example most of my favourite shows (past and present) feature Scientologists; That '70s Show, My Name is Earl, Malcolm in the Middle, South Park [but everyone knew that – it's safe to say around 87.6% of what I 'know' about Scientology comes from that infamous episode] and even The Simpsons! I thought the stereotype was that Jews ran Hollywood, seems there may have been a shift. But what is so appealing about Scientology? Again, I have no idea, I have yet to be invited to a Scientology party. But that's fine by me, because I get invited to loads of parties everyday and I don't really give a fuck, because I don't need a Religion/Cult to be cool – I have a Blog, with 19 followers! I am a Religion/Cult!
Maybe this is what is fuelling the interest in Scientology. The majority of the general public is infatuated with what celebrities do. Even I am to a certain degree, and while I don't give a shit about Cheryl Cole [-can't remember her actual surname] changing her hair colour, if you present me with a famous person I have a connection with I become interested. Take Will Smith for example, I've grown up with Will Smith [not out in Philly] being in my life from as early as I can remember. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air taught me how to be cool and also how to structure jokes to offend fat or short African-Americans that happen to be my uncle or my cousin. I watched Will Smith grow from a rapper to a sitcom actor to the biggest movie star in the world. And I will gladly admit that he is the one person on this Earth that is cooler than me. Yet when I read online that he is interested in Scientology I'm suddenly wondering what the big deal is. If Will Smith is on board, Scientology is going to be huge. Of course the biggest poster boy for Scientology is Tom Cruise but to be fair I've never given a shit about Tom Cruise or any of his work. I don't care if he puts in name to a movie cast, if he wants to impress me he should put his name to a suicide note – then I'd be interested.
But I wonder why so many famous people are involved with Scientology. Maybe it's just a new fad for them. I suppose you have a choice of either taking up Scientology or adopting a foreign baby if you're living that lifestyle. Maybe soon enough both these fads will die out and be replaced by something else like having a pet polar bear and always wearing roller-skates, when that day roles around all these actors will dump Scientology and get rid of their 'children', so all these unwanted orphans will be forced to live in abandoned Scientology places of worship. The high life, it's so fickle.
Scientology has come under fire from critics, with some going as fair as saying that brainwashing is involved. To be honest, brainwashing gullible Yanks is like fastening Velcro shoes [I was going to say tying your laces, but then I made it even simpler]. Criticisms come at L. Ron Hubbard; the creator of Scientology. For some reason people think because this man wrote 138 novels that mainly went along the lines of science fiction or adventure, he could have possibly just made the whole story behind Scientology up! You know that story of Xenu the Galactic Confederacy dictator that bought loads of his people to Earth over 75 million years ago... Anyway, some cynical critics believe that the science fiction writer could have made that all up!?
To be fair it seems as it is perfectly fine to throw insults at Scientology, because from the outside looking in it's absolutely ridiculous the thought that we were all planted her by some alien being. But when you step back and compare it to religions we have grown up with, religions that are well established it's no more crazy than any of them. An invisible deity that watches over our every move and every thought – we're just so desensitised to the idea we stop seeing it for what it is; fucking insane. In this respect Scientology is no different from any other religious sect, if people choose to believe in something because it fills a gap in their life, they can. Who are we to say which idiotic belief is more moronic than another? It is my personal opinion that the chance of there being an alien existence dramatically outweighs the possibility of there being an omnipotent being. I'm not saying this alien being will be intelligent, I'm just saying there must be some biological life form on another planet in our universe.
Overall, Scientology is one of the few religions that doesn't inflict wars on other religions, as far as I know they don't make it a habit of slaughtering individuals that hold alternate beliefs. If Scientology is just some type of hustle that parts gullible Hollywood stars with their stacks of dollars, it's doing no real harm to anyone.
Topic Requested by David Batchelor
In the end I did try to educate myself on some aspects of Scientology, I even came across some Wikipedia pages under the ending; 'Scientology versus the Internet' one of those pages was; 'Church of Scientology editing on Wikipedia', although when I went to view it, it was completely empty.
Monday, 15 November 2010
Why I Hate … Going to the Cinema
I absolutely love films. Watching films is one of my few hobbies that is not going to be detrimental to my health later in life. Although I'm not a fan of going to the cinema.
My beef doesn't stem from the extortionate prices you have to pay for snacks, even though it is financially crippling. Yes, I get irked at the amount of adverts and trailers that seem to draw out for an eternity before the feature film, yet not enough to actually hate the cinema for that reason. My problem lays with the audience. The fucking audience!
Recently I went to see Paranormal Activity 2, I liked the first film and found it thoroughly spooky and creepy so I was quite looking forward to seeing the sequel. Apparently I wasn't the only one as the cinema was heaving. Now, I'd deluded myself into thinking that as everyone had paid to see this film, that everyone would simply watch the film... what an idiot I am.
It seems as if people are unable to shut the fuck up for just over a hour. I expected some noise, it's a film that sets out to make the audience jump, after all, so a few gasps or utters of “that shit me up”, would have been fine. Yet, that's not all I got.
Paranormal Activity 2 is a film that slowly builds up to a scene that will make its audience jump throughout. It's not a surprise-fest, it slowly dupes you in with run-of-the-mill family activities [which form to give you the general storyline], then night comes and something freaky takes place. Simple, although not simple enough for some people. Every time the movie slowed its pace, the girl sat next to me would complain; “This is boring...” as her phone continued to get text messages [it was on vibrate – so still kind of distracting]. Yet it wasn't boring when she was absolutely shitting herself at the scary parts. I felt like turning to her and screaming in her face; “If you find it boring go sit outside and text your mates, otherwise just SHUT THE FUCK UP!” I suppose I could have just strangled her to death then claimed I was possessed by a demon, which would have been perfectly fitting for the situation we were in. I love irony.
The major problem with the cinema was the audience. It was filled with people barely over 15, out with their mates. So they had to put on an act, like they weren't scared as to not lose face. If I'm watching a film, I'm getting invested in it, that is the only way to watch a film in my mind. If I don't care for the characters or the story there's no point in watching. Doing this provokes emotion, whether it be fear, sorrow or joy. The problem with these runts that came to the same showing as me is that they fully understand that this film will scare them and to be scared of something will make them out to be a pussy. So they have to detach themselves from the film be making silly jokes or laughing, which in turn enrages me and most of the other sensible people.
And when exactly did it become socially acceptable to start blurting out what you think is going to happen next? “Oh, now I think she's going to go upstairs and ...” Shut the fuck up. I don't care what you think is going to happen. You're a fucking moron, there's a reason you're not making millions of dollars in Hollywood and that reason; YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON. We all have our own speculations about what is going to take place, we just keep them to ourselves, do you know why? Because people are watching a fucking film! I didn't realise Paranormal Activity 2 came with 'idiot commentary' – it's a like director's commentary, but has no fucking point or merit.
The film also uses text at the begin and end, a normal device used by many films to give the feeling that it's genuine. For example at the beginning it says [something to the effect of]; “Dedicated to the Police Officers that lost their lives.” and at the end it says “[so-and-so's] whereabouts are not known”. Which provoked a couple of people to say things along the lines of; “They're trying to make it out to be real!” or “They're acting as if it's a true story!” This text [at the start and end] have been used thousands of times in films. It's like watching Star Wars, and as the text scrolls at the beginning of the feature; “In a galaxy far, far away...” someone stands up and shouts; “They're trying to make this out to be real. There's no scientific proof that aliens exist … this is bullshit. It's not a true story!”
Whatever happen to Cinema Etiquette? [As regular readers know] I'm an avid fan of downloading and after my recent experience at the cinema, in the future I'll be more inclined to download a recent release than go to the cinema. I'll trade the big screen with it's brilliant surround sound for my small PC monitor and one working speaker, at least I can watch the film in peace … and smoke a spliff while doing it. If this type of behaviour at the cinema continues it will only get worse. Soon enough people will be holding important board meetings in the cinema as you attempt to watch Paranormal Activity 3, by Paranormal Activity 4 audience members will be spit-roasting a pig, by Paranormal Activity 5 there'll probably be a section of the cinema dedicated to a rave with a DJ blasting out shitty dub-step tunes as ravers pop ecstasy. To ease this, cinema's must start some kind of screening process for audience members. Maybe adding a couple of bouncers along the aisles that will quickly turf out any ne’er-do-wells that are chatting, playing with their phones or breathing too loudly.
Overall it seems a little unfair to blast the cinema going experience just because of the audience, but fuck it. These immature shit stains on society really pissed me off. I'm starting to see now why 'the youth' is hated so much. Clearly there needs to be a massive rise in teenagers getting stabbed and if they ever ruin another cinema going experience for me again, there fucking will be.
My beef doesn't stem from the extortionate prices you have to pay for snacks, even though it is financially crippling. Yes, I get irked at the amount of adverts and trailers that seem to draw out for an eternity before the feature film, yet not enough to actually hate the cinema for that reason. My problem lays with the audience. The fucking audience!
Recently I went to see Paranormal Activity 2, I liked the first film and found it thoroughly spooky and creepy so I was quite looking forward to seeing the sequel. Apparently I wasn't the only one as the cinema was heaving. Now, I'd deluded myself into thinking that as everyone had paid to see this film, that everyone would simply watch the film... what an idiot I am.
It seems as if people are unable to shut the fuck up for just over a hour. I expected some noise, it's a film that sets out to make the audience jump, after all, so a few gasps or utters of “that shit me up”, would have been fine. Yet, that's not all I got.
Paranormal Activity 2 is a film that slowly builds up to a scene that will make its audience jump throughout. It's not a surprise-fest, it slowly dupes you in with run-of-the-mill family activities [which form to give you the general storyline], then night comes and something freaky takes place. Simple, although not simple enough for some people. Every time the movie slowed its pace, the girl sat next to me would complain; “This is boring...” as her phone continued to get text messages [it was on vibrate – so still kind of distracting]. Yet it wasn't boring when she was absolutely shitting herself at the scary parts. I felt like turning to her and screaming in her face; “If you find it boring go sit outside and text your mates, otherwise just SHUT THE FUCK UP!” I suppose I could have just strangled her to death then claimed I was possessed by a demon, which would have been perfectly fitting for the situation we were in. I love irony.
The major problem with the cinema was the audience. It was filled with people barely over 15, out with their mates. So they had to put on an act, like they weren't scared as to not lose face. If I'm watching a film, I'm getting invested in it, that is the only way to watch a film in my mind. If I don't care for the characters or the story there's no point in watching. Doing this provokes emotion, whether it be fear, sorrow or joy. The problem with these runts that came to the same showing as me is that they fully understand that this film will scare them and to be scared of something will make them out to be a pussy. So they have to detach themselves from the film be making silly jokes or laughing, which in turn enrages me and most of the other sensible people.
And when exactly did it become socially acceptable to start blurting out what you think is going to happen next? “Oh, now I think she's going to go upstairs and ...” Shut the fuck up. I don't care what you think is going to happen. You're a fucking moron, there's a reason you're not making millions of dollars in Hollywood and that reason; YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON. We all have our own speculations about what is going to take place, we just keep them to ourselves, do you know why? Because people are watching a fucking film! I didn't realise Paranormal Activity 2 came with 'idiot commentary' – it's a like director's commentary, but has no fucking point or merit.
The film also uses text at the begin and end, a normal device used by many films to give the feeling that it's genuine. For example at the beginning it says [something to the effect of]; “Dedicated to the Police Officers that lost their lives.” and at the end it says “[so-and-so's] whereabouts are not known”. Which provoked a couple of people to say things along the lines of; “They're trying to make it out to be real!” or “They're acting as if it's a true story!” This text [at the start and end] have been used thousands of times in films. It's like watching Star Wars, and as the text scrolls at the beginning of the feature; “In a galaxy far, far away...” someone stands up and shouts; “They're trying to make this out to be real. There's no scientific proof that aliens exist … this is bullshit. It's not a true story!”
Whatever happen to Cinema Etiquette? [As regular readers know] I'm an avid fan of downloading and after my recent experience at the cinema, in the future I'll be more inclined to download a recent release than go to the cinema. I'll trade the big screen with it's brilliant surround sound for my small PC monitor and one working speaker, at least I can watch the film in peace … and smoke a spliff while doing it. If this type of behaviour at the cinema continues it will only get worse. Soon enough people will be holding important board meetings in the cinema as you attempt to watch Paranormal Activity 3, by Paranormal Activity 4 audience members will be spit-roasting a pig, by Paranormal Activity 5 there'll probably be a section of the cinema dedicated to a rave with a DJ blasting out shitty dub-step tunes as ravers pop ecstasy. To ease this, cinema's must start some kind of screening process for audience members. Maybe adding a couple of bouncers along the aisles that will quickly turf out any ne’er-do-wells that are chatting, playing with their phones or breathing too loudly.
Overall it seems a little unfair to blast the cinema going experience just because of the audience, but fuck it. These immature shit stains on society really pissed me off. I'm starting to see now why 'the youth' is hated so much. Clearly there needs to be a massive rise in teenagers getting stabbed and if they ever ruin another cinema going experience for me again, there fucking will be.
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
A Fare Trade
In the mist of a smoky haze due to endless about of marijuana and incense sticks being burned over the duration of the day sits Jack; a 21 year old, drug dealer. He sits transfixed to Call of Duty, only satisfied with head-shots, nothing else will do. The sound of his doorbell rings throughout the house, Jack doesn't acknowledge it and stays entranced by his soaring death-toll. Some murmurers can be made out over the sound of rapid gun fire blasting out from the TV speakers, then slow thuds as someone walks upstairs, finally there's a knock on Jack's door.
“Come in,” Jack shouts, “unless you're the police, in that case fuck off, please.” without glancing away from the game for even a nanosecond.
A young lad enters, around the same age as Jack, but with a massively contrasting demeanour; his hair is slicked back, his clothes are freshly pressed, he's a very presentable young man, the type of guy over-protective parents wish their daughters would eventually marry.
”I am Joshua,” he says gently, “your house-mate let me in.” Joshua speaks with an utterly middle-class accent, pronouncing every word perfectly. He has one of those voices that makes a working-class person want to punch him square in the face for no reason other than the annoying tone that oozes out of his posh cake-hole. Joshua looks over the bedroom he has just entered, seemingly disgusted by the state of it. He slowly makes his way over to Jack, cautiously stepping by plates encrusted in undistinguishable meals dating back weeks and balled up tissue paper filled with expelled love juice. “I am under the impression that you sell...” Joshua pauses for a moment, unsure of how to finish off the sentence, he braces himself, and whispers; “... marijuana.”
“You would be correct in your assumption”, says Jack in a slightly mocking tone. Joshua doesn't pick up on this fact.
“How wonderful, well I would like to purchase some please.”
“OK, what are you after?” asks Jack, eyes still glued to the massacre unfolding on his television screen.
“Marijuana, please.” responds Joshua, completely misunderstanding the question.
“No, what weight are you after, as in; how much?”
“Oh heavens,” Joshua says as he wrestles his wallet from his back pocket, opens it to inspect the wod of cash inside, “I' would like to spend £40, please.”
“So it's a quart you're after?”
“Yes please, a quart, please.”
“OK mate, just give me a … ” Jack trails off, “YOU FUCKING CUNT!” he bellows.
Joshua almost jumps out of his skin, he quickly scans the room again and attempts to configure the safest and fastest escape route from Jack's city skip of a bedroom. Jack frantically bashes the buttons on his Playstation pad to no avail, he tosses the pad to his floor, it knocks over a nearby bong and filthy bong water gathers in a puddle on his carpet. Jack stands and turns to look at Joshua.
“So it's a quart, then mate?”
Joshua takes a deep breath, “Yes, please.”
Jack makes his way over to his set of drawers that are buried under a pile of clothes, clearly he may have mastered Call of Duty but the complexed understanding of how drawers work is beyond him. He slides open the top draw and begins to rummage around until he pulls out a bag of weed. He turns and passes it to Joshua. Joshua begins to inspect the bag, then he pulls out a handful of jiffy bags himself, all of which are empty and bundles them into Jack's palm.
“I only take cash, mate.” Jack says, slightly bemused by Joshua's actions.
“Oh, yes, of course. But I simply thought that these would be beneficial to you, in your line of work. You could re-use them, recycle them even, as a way to help save the Earth.” Joshua explains.
“OK mate. I'll keep that in mind, I'll just add them to my recycling centre.” Jack says as he tosses the bags onto an already over flowing bin.
Joshua continues to inspect the bag. Feeling as if the deal is not actually going to happen Jack explains that the quality of the weed is second to none.
“It's some of the best stuff I've had in for a long time. Guaranteed to get you high. It's Thai Stick.” he says, with all the gusto of a desperate second hand car salesman.
“It does seem to be some of the finest marijuana I have come across to date,” Joshua pauses, as if he's mustering up the courage to ask something, “I was just wondering, is it really from Thailand?”
Jack looks bemused by the question, it's not the type of question he's used to hearing, usually customers want to know the weight and that's about it. Drug dealing is simple, it's all supply and demand, customer services doesn't really come into it that often.
“I'm unsure, mate. I just get it from my guy, who gets it from someone else. It's best to not go around asking questions when you're dealing with drugs.”
“Oh, I see, so you would not know if it was organic?” asks Joshua.
“It's is orgasmic, mate, I can guarantee that.”
“No, you seem to have misunderstood; is it organic? Is it grown without pesticides? I'm currently on an all organic diet and that includes my drugs too.”
Clearly getting slightly irked by the onslaught of questioning, Jack finally folds; “I'll just call up my contact, he'll know.”
Jack begins to look around for his phone, by kicking up bits of rubbish scattered around his room, in the end he unearths it from under an overturned ashtray. He picks it, scrolls through his phone book and hits call.
“Hey, it's Jack. I have a customer here that wants to know about the Thai Stick, I've got in.”
“What the fuck does he wanna know?” utters Jack's contact, luckily not loud enough for Joshua to hear.
“He's askin' if it's organic?”
“You fuckin' what? Tell the cunt to go suck some organic balls!” screams the voice.
“Alright mate,” says Jack, with a smile on his face.
Jack hangs up the phone and pushes it into his pocket. He puts a fake smile on his face.
“He clarified the situation perfectly, you have nothing to worry about, it's organic.” lies Jack.
“That is a weight off of my shoulders.”
Joshua begins to make his way to the door and Jack feels revealed that this ordeal is almost at an end. Before reaching the door Joshua stops.
“I was just wondering, by any chance do you sell cocaine?” asks Joshua.
“Well... ” says Jack, before he draws out a speech that he's probably said a million time before, “... I don't usually, but I do happen to have some in at the minute, one bag left, in fact. It'd be another £40 though.”
It's a well known fact that if you fool the customer into believing they're getting the last deal they'll take it, as this opportunity may not arise again.
“That is perfectly fine.” agrees Joshua as he once again begins to tangle with his wallet.
Jack goes back to the dresser, this time he delves into the bottom drawer and rummages around, finally retrieving a wrap of coke. The two exchange the money and the drugs.
“Oh, and don't worry mate.” says Jack, fearing he knows what's coming, “That coke is most definitively organic.”
“That is both brilliant and reassuring to know.” says Joshua.
Jack places his hand on Joshua's shoulder and slowly guides him to his bedroom door.
“I hope you enjoy the drugs.” he says as he opens the door for his customer and slowly guides him over the threshold.
“Oh, just one more inquiry,” Joshua spouts, Jack's face drops instantly, “is this cocaine fairtrade?”
“Well, I supply the drugs, you supply the money, then we trade. I'd say that was more than fair.”
Interrupting, Joshua states; “Oh heavens, I think you may have misunderstood the question …”
Jack swings the door shut, leaving Joshua in the hall. He then bolts it.
“Thanks, come again soon.” Jack shouts at the door.
“Come in,” Jack shouts, “unless you're the police, in that case fuck off, please.” without glancing away from the game for even a nanosecond.
A young lad enters, around the same age as Jack, but with a massively contrasting demeanour; his hair is slicked back, his clothes are freshly pressed, he's a very presentable young man, the type of guy over-protective parents wish their daughters would eventually marry.
”I am Joshua,” he says gently, “your house-mate let me in.” Joshua speaks with an utterly middle-class accent, pronouncing every word perfectly. He has one of those voices that makes a working-class person want to punch him square in the face for no reason other than the annoying tone that oozes out of his posh cake-hole. Joshua looks over the bedroom he has just entered, seemingly disgusted by the state of it. He slowly makes his way over to Jack, cautiously stepping by plates encrusted in undistinguishable meals dating back weeks and balled up tissue paper filled with expelled love juice. “I am under the impression that you sell...” Joshua pauses for a moment, unsure of how to finish off the sentence, he braces himself, and whispers; “... marijuana.”
“You would be correct in your assumption”, says Jack in a slightly mocking tone. Joshua doesn't pick up on this fact.
“How wonderful, well I would like to purchase some please.”
“OK, what are you after?” asks Jack, eyes still glued to the massacre unfolding on his television screen.
“Marijuana, please.” responds Joshua, completely misunderstanding the question.
“No, what weight are you after, as in; how much?”
“Oh heavens,” Joshua says as he wrestles his wallet from his back pocket, opens it to inspect the wod of cash inside, “I' would like to spend £40, please.”
“So it's a quart you're after?”
“Yes please, a quart, please.”
“OK mate, just give me a … ” Jack trails off, “YOU FUCKING CUNT!” he bellows.
Joshua almost jumps out of his skin, he quickly scans the room again and attempts to configure the safest and fastest escape route from Jack's city skip of a bedroom. Jack frantically bashes the buttons on his Playstation pad to no avail, he tosses the pad to his floor, it knocks over a nearby bong and filthy bong water gathers in a puddle on his carpet. Jack stands and turns to look at Joshua.
“So it's a quart, then mate?”
Joshua takes a deep breath, “Yes, please.”
Jack makes his way over to his set of drawers that are buried under a pile of clothes, clearly he may have mastered Call of Duty but the complexed understanding of how drawers work is beyond him. He slides open the top draw and begins to rummage around until he pulls out a bag of weed. He turns and passes it to Joshua. Joshua begins to inspect the bag, then he pulls out a handful of jiffy bags himself, all of which are empty and bundles them into Jack's palm.
“I only take cash, mate.” Jack says, slightly bemused by Joshua's actions.
“Oh, yes, of course. But I simply thought that these would be beneficial to you, in your line of work. You could re-use them, recycle them even, as a way to help save the Earth.” Joshua explains.
“OK mate. I'll keep that in mind, I'll just add them to my recycling centre.” Jack says as he tosses the bags onto an already over flowing bin.
Joshua continues to inspect the bag. Feeling as if the deal is not actually going to happen Jack explains that the quality of the weed is second to none.
“It's some of the best stuff I've had in for a long time. Guaranteed to get you high. It's Thai Stick.” he says, with all the gusto of a desperate second hand car salesman.
“It does seem to be some of the finest marijuana I have come across to date,” Joshua pauses, as if he's mustering up the courage to ask something, “I was just wondering, is it really from Thailand?”
Jack looks bemused by the question, it's not the type of question he's used to hearing, usually customers want to know the weight and that's about it. Drug dealing is simple, it's all supply and demand, customer services doesn't really come into it that often.
“I'm unsure, mate. I just get it from my guy, who gets it from someone else. It's best to not go around asking questions when you're dealing with drugs.”
“Oh, I see, so you would not know if it was organic?” asks Joshua.
“It's is orgasmic, mate, I can guarantee that.”
“No, you seem to have misunderstood; is it organic? Is it grown without pesticides? I'm currently on an all organic diet and that includes my drugs too.”
Clearly getting slightly irked by the onslaught of questioning, Jack finally folds; “I'll just call up my contact, he'll know.”
Jack begins to look around for his phone, by kicking up bits of rubbish scattered around his room, in the end he unearths it from under an overturned ashtray. He picks it, scrolls through his phone book and hits call.
“Hey, it's Jack. I have a customer here that wants to know about the Thai Stick, I've got in.”
“What the fuck does he wanna know?” utters Jack's contact, luckily not loud enough for Joshua to hear.
“He's askin' if it's organic?”
“You fuckin' what? Tell the cunt to go suck some organic balls!” screams the voice.
“Alright mate,” says Jack, with a smile on his face.
Jack hangs up the phone and pushes it into his pocket. He puts a fake smile on his face.
“He clarified the situation perfectly, you have nothing to worry about, it's organic.” lies Jack.
“That is a weight off of my shoulders.”
Joshua begins to make his way to the door and Jack feels revealed that this ordeal is almost at an end. Before reaching the door Joshua stops.
“I was just wondering, by any chance do you sell cocaine?” asks Joshua.
“Well... ” says Jack, before he draws out a speech that he's probably said a million time before, “... I don't usually, but I do happen to have some in at the minute, one bag left, in fact. It'd be another £40 though.”
It's a well known fact that if you fool the customer into believing they're getting the last deal they'll take it, as this opportunity may not arise again.
“That is perfectly fine.” agrees Joshua as he once again begins to tangle with his wallet.
Jack goes back to the dresser, this time he delves into the bottom drawer and rummages around, finally retrieving a wrap of coke. The two exchange the money and the drugs.
“Oh, and don't worry mate.” says Jack, fearing he knows what's coming, “That coke is most definitively organic.”
“That is both brilliant and reassuring to know.” says Joshua.
Jack places his hand on Joshua's shoulder and slowly guides him to his bedroom door.
“I hope you enjoy the drugs.” he says as he opens the door for his customer and slowly guides him over the threshold.
“Oh, just one more inquiry,” Joshua spouts, Jack's face drops instantly, “is this cocaine fairtrade?”
“Well, I supply the drugs, you supply the money, then we trade. I'd say that was more than fair.”
Interrupting, Joshua states; “Oh heavens, I think you may have misunderstood the question …”
Jack swings the door shut, leaving Joshua in the hall. He then bolts it.
“Thanks, come again soon.” Jack shouts at the door.
Monday, 8 November 2010
Why I Hate … LoveFilm.com
I'm full of hate that I can easily dispense on anyone or anything that has provoked me to distribute it out. I don't simply hate for no reason. So what is it that LoveFilm has done to deserve being added to my ever increasing shit list? Settle down and let me paint the picture.
The other day, I was walking through Westfield (the shopping centre/mall in Derby – which I coincidently hate too, but that's another story) when I was stopped by a gentleman working for LoveFilm. He approached me and my girlfriend with the question; “Do you two like films?” Which is such a retarded question, in the first place; what next; “Do you like music?”, “Do you breathe?”, “Was you born?” - who possibly says no to that question? Everyone likes films, everyone watches films – apart from maybe alzheimer's patients, but they have a valid reason, seeing as by the time the final scene rolls around they have no idea what the fuck is happening and how the protagonist ended up in that situation. They probably can't remember who the protagonist is. [I feel bad making fun of alzheimer's, it would be really ironic if I got it, but I assume I wouldn't get the irony having forgot making fun of it] So I choose to answer the question with; “Yea” - that was Mistake #1, I should have carried on walking and ignored the guy, just like I do with homeless people and old women that have slipped on ice.
The guy went on to explain that LoveFilm was offering a deal; “Pay for one month, get the next month free”. I thought seeing as he'd pulled us in, I'd at least let him talk for a bit to be polite. This was Mistake #2. I'm hardly ever polite, it takes too much energy and it seems whenever I am polite I end up getting fucked over! So he's going on and on … then he says “It's only £4.99.” This was my chance to get out and I went on to explain that I can't afford that as I only have 50 quid in my bank account which is reserved for an upcoming phone bill – not actually a lie, it was the truth. To which he responded by saying that no money would come out of my bank account until I ordered a film. Which was a relief as I thought I could just sign up for the shit and not use it so I didn't have to pay. I don't need to be signed up to LoveFilm anyway! The only use I can think for LoveFilm is for browsing it's catalogue, then when I see a film I want to watch, I would then 'copy' the title, nip over to a torrent site (such as isohunt.com), 'paste' in the film title, click 'search' and begin to download the film. No need to wait for the postman. No need to pay. Don't need a month free, because it's all fucking free!
The guy went on to explain that we would be able to watch TV shows online too. The one's he actually mentioned were; Desperate Housewives and The Inbetweeners. How does LoveFilm get these exclusives? That you can get nowhere else online? 4OD eat your heart out. [That was sarcasm, by the way, not always easy to pick up on when in written form]
The guy then went on to show us the website and how to use it. Bringing up a random film; Orphan and explaining that all you have to go is click 'rent' and it'll be posted to my door. Simple.
Eventually it all got wrapped up and before we left he gave my girlfriend a card with the promotion code on it so that she could have buy one month have one free [once mine had ran out], which seemed nice of him. But now looking back it wasn't. It's not as if he's doing us a favour, that's the exact same deal I got. She's entitled to that! Me and her are two separate people, it's not as if we're one entity! Is this yet another draw back of being in a couple? That offers only apply to you as a pair?
So as we were walking off, my girlfriend says; “You realise he's just ordered you that film?” to which I responded; “No, he hasn't.” She's usually mistaken and I'm always right, so I thought nothing of it. Then yesterday, I got an email from LoveFilm informing me that the DVD I'd ordered was on the way! A DVD I didn't want! Which in turn triggered off my account with LoveFilm (that I didn't want or need), which in turn took £4.99 out of my bank account, which in turn took me over my overdraft by £5.00, so now the bank has a reason to rape me. LoveFilm has lead to me getting raped by my bank! Now that's a valid reason for hating LoveFilm!
So I went online trying to find some contact information for LoveFilm so I can write them a rant filled email explaining how they've fucked me over. But surprisingly I wasn't able to come across an email address. I was able to find a telephone number. So I thought I could give them a call and really lay into them until I saw; “Calls cost £1.50 a minute”! So in order for me to complain about how they lead to me getting raped I'd have to get financially raped again! LoveFilm is all about raping people! True story!
I should really be hating the guy that fucking ordered a film that I didn't want without my permission. But I'm assuming he got the job because he's one of those cunts that suckers people in. I bet the Nazi's had people like him getting innocent Germans to sign up for the S.S. and Hitler Youth. He's much like those Army guys that try to get people to sign up for the Forces by selling all the good points; you'll make money, you'll get to see the world … yet glossing over the fact that people will be trying to shoot your fucking brains out at every opportunity.
I would like to wrap up by saying; Fuck LoveFilm and anyone that works for them, and anyone that's related to anyone that works for them and anyone that's friends with anyone that works for them and anyone that may know someone that's friends with someone else that works for them.
I'm off to stick my cock in the hole of the Orphan DVD that came through my door this morning, bye!
Good job I added 'DVD' to that last sentence.
The other day, I was walking through Westfield (the shopping centre/mall in Derby – which I coincidently hate too, but that's another story) when I was stopped by a gentleman working for LoveFilm. He approached me and my girlfriend with the question; “Do you two like films?” Which is such a retarded question, in the first place; what next; “Do you like music?”, “Do you breathe?”, “Was you born?” - who possibly says no to that question? Everyone likes films, everyone watches films – apart from maybe alzheimer's patients, but they have a valid reason, seeing as by the time the final scene rolls around they have no idea what the fuck is happening and how the protagonist ended up in that situation. They probably can't remember who the protagonist is. [I feel bad making fun of alzheimer's, it would be really ironic if I got it, but I assume I wouldn't get the irony having forgot making fun of it] So I choose to answer the question with; “Yea” - that was Mistake #1, I should have carried on walking and ignored the guy, just like I do with homeless people and old women that have slipped on ice.
The guy went on to explain that LoveFilm was offering a deal; “Pay for one month, get the next month free”. I thought seeing as he'd pulled us in, I'd at least let him talk for a bit to be polite. This was Mistake #2. I'm hardly ever polite, it takes too much energy and it seems whenever I am polite I end up getting fucked over! So he's going on and on … then he says “It's only £4.99.” This was my chance to get out and I went on to explain that I can't afford that as I only have 50 quid in my bank account which is reserved for an upcoming phone bill – not actually a lie, it was the truth. To which he responded by saying that no money would come out of my bank account until I ordered a film. Which was a relief as I thought I could just sign up for the shit and not use it so I didn't have to pay. I don't need to be signed up to LoveFilm anyway! The only use I can think for LoveFilm is for browsing it's catalogue, then when I see a film I want to watch, I would then 'copy' the title, nip over to a torrent site (such as isohunt.com), 'paste' in the film title, click 'search' and begin to download the film. No need to wait for the postman. No need to pay. Don't need a month free, because it's all fucking free!
The guy went on to explain that we would be able to watch TV shows online too. The one's he actually mentioned were; Desperate Housewives and The Inbetweeners. How does LoveFilm get these exclusives? That you can get nowhere else online? 4OD eat your heart out. [That was sarcasm, by the way, not always easy to pick up on when in written form]
The guy then went on to show us the website and how to use it. Bringing up a random film; Orphan and explaining that all you have to go is click 'rent' and it'll be posted to my door. Simple.
Eventually it all got wrapped up and before we left he gave my girlfriend a card with the promotion code on it so that she could have buy one month have one free [once mine had ran out], which seemed nice of him. But now looking back it wasn't. It's not as if he's doing us a favour, that's the exact same deal I got. She's entitled to that! Me and her are two separate people, it's not as if we're one entity! Is this yet another draw back of being in a couple? That offers only apply to you as a pair?
So as we were walking off, my girlfriend says; “You realise he's just ordered you that film?” to which I responded; “No, he hasn't.” She's usually mistaken and I'm always right, so I thought nothing of it. Then yesterday, I got an email from LoveFilm informing me that the DVD I'd ordered was on the way! A DVD I didn't want! Which in turn triggered off my account with LoveFilm (that I didn't want or need), which in turn took £4.99 out of my bank account, which in turn took me over my overdraft by £5.00, so now the bank has a reason to rape me. LoveFilm has lead to me getting raped by my bank! Now that's a valid reason for hating LoveFilm!
So I went online trying to find some contact information for LoveFilm so I can write them a rant filled email explaining how they've fucked me over. But surprisingly I wasn't able to come across an email address. I was able to find a telephone number. So I thought I could give them a call and really lay into them until I saw; “Calls cost £1.50 a minute”! So in order for me to complain about how they lead to me getting raped I'd have to get financially raped again! LoveFilm is all about raping people! True story!
I should really be hating the guy that fucking ordered a film that I didn't want without my permission. But I'm assuming he got the job because he's one of those cunts that suckers people in. I bet the Nazi's had people like him getting innocent Germans to sign up for the S.S. and Hitler Youth. He's much like those Army guys that try to get people to sign up for the Forces by selling all the good points; you'll make money, you'll get to see the world … yet glossing over the fact that people will be trying to shoot your fucking brains out at every opportunity.
I would like to wrap up by saying; Fuck LoveFilm and anyone that works for them, and anyone that's related to anyone that works for them and anyone that's friends with anyone that works for them and anyone that may know someone that's friends with someone else that works for them.
I'm off to stick my cock in the hole of the Orphan DVD that came through my door this morning, bye!
Good job I added 'DVD' to that last sentence.
Saturday, 6 November 2010
Coining Ways to Save the Flipping World
The world is over populated. Just peer out your window and look at them all, there’s millions, bloody clogging up everything; the street, the pub, the shops, the prisons, the schools, the hospitals … basically everywhere you will find them; people! Bloody people, with their skin, beliefs, careers, families and lives! I've never been a fan of people. Yeah, there's a handful of them that I wouldn't slaughter if push came to shove, but for the most part you have to admit that they are quite shit. I've spent the majority of my existence adopting inanimate objects as my close friends and it's served me well. Inanimate objects don't complain about their jobs or their relationships and the majority of them serve an actual purpose unlike 75% of the human race.
But what can we do? It's not as if we can just start rounding up people and killing them, is it?
Morally, legally and humanitarianly [I made that word up – I think; it's not in my Dictionary and the OpenOffice doesn't recognise it] the answer is most definitely; NO! But if we push our morals, laws and humanitarian beliefs to the side the answer becomes; YES.
Firstly, let's simply picture the world; natural resources are running low, there's some kind of recession happening, our fellow man is starving to death and Lady Gaga is topping the charts. It's not a pretty picture to say the least, the world is looking like a Picasso painting, if instead of paintbrushes he used a double-barrel shotgun to blast squirrels onto the canvas. Is this the kind of world you want for your children? Or your children's children? Or your grandchildren? Or your children's children's children? Or your great-grandchildren? [The word children has lost all meaning to me now, I've used it so many times, it no longer looks like a real word] Well is that what you want? If the answer is 'Yes', you have failed at being human. Nobody in their right mind would want such horrors to continue on for the proceeding generations. It is time we stood up now and made a change for the better, by doing something selfless for those to come after us, so that we will go down in history as the people who saved the world by murdering half of the population of the world.
OK, I understand that this idea is not going to be popular straight away. Somewhere down the line I intend of incorporating an iPhone application into it so it will become more popular then celebrity endorsements in order to garter more support. But as it stands currently, this idea is extremely unpopular, as far the school kids of ideas go, this one is the guy in the classroom that stinks of hamster turds and chews table legs. I understand that.
I also know it's not a new idea and has been used before, often referred to as 'genocide' or 'ethnic cleansing'. But my idea does differ from these. I'm not going to lie, to begin with I was in deep thought about how the people that were going to make the ultimate sacrifice should be chosen, but in the end I realised that by simply picking out people I would be no better than Hitler, Pol Pot, Stalin or George Bush!
So after sleepless nights trying to figure out how this would all happen, I eventually came to the conclusion that we would decide who lived and died by the simple flip of a coin. Tails; your tail is safe, Heads; your head is coming off. Simple as that.
Of course this is not going to be forced on people, because if people are as good as people are always telling me, they'd have no problem killing themselves in an attempt to aid the future of mankind. Would they?
I've come to terms with my existence. I know fully well that I serve no real purpose, outside of creating this very idea, that will go towards saving the planet and it's inhabitants, but saving the world is a minor thing in my eyes, I not even add it to my C.V. I'll step up and flip the coin when my time is up and if it's Heads, I'll happily take one for the team, 'one' being death, the 'team' being humanity.
Imagine a world half as populated; everyone would be housed, fed and clothed. That 'Carbon Footprint' would drop drastically as there would be half as much traffic – no more traffic jams for those that choose to drive. Natural resources would be around for a longer time period. All this can be achieved by simply wiping out half of the population of the world. It seems like a small sacrifice for a huge gain. Like I've already said, it's not going to be popular and right now you're undoubtedly thinking I'm some kind of sick fuckwit for even coming up with the idea, but eventually it'll sink in and you'll be somewhere soon, more than likely Christmas shopping in some shopping centre and it will dawn on you, that if half the people there were wiped out the whole experience would be less stressful. Eventually you see it my way. Most people do in the end.
But what can we do? It's not as if we can just start rounding up people and killing them, is it?
Morally, legally and humanitarianly [I made that word up – I think; it's not in my Dictionary and the OpenOffice doesn't recognise it] the answer is most definitely; NO! But if we push our morals, laws and humanitarian beliefs to the side the answer becomes; YES.
Firstly, let's simply picture the world; natural resources are running low, there's some kind of recession happening, our fellow man is starving to death and Lady Gaga is topping the charts. It's not a pretty picture to say the least, the world is looking like a Picasso painting, if instead of paintbrushes he used a double-barrel shotgun to blast squirrels onto the canvas. Is this the kind of world you want for your children? Or your children's children? Or your grandchildren? Or your children's children's children? Or your great-grandchildren? [The word children has lost all meaning to me now, I've used it so many times, it no longer looks like a real word] Well is that what you want? If the answer is 'Yes', you have failed at being human. Nobody in their right mind would want such horrors to continue on for the proceeding generations. It is time we stood up now and made a change for the better, by doing something selfless for those to come after us, so that we will go down in history as the people who saved the world by murdering half of the population of the world.
OK, I understand that this idea is not going to be popular straight away. Somewhere down the line I intend of incorporating an iPhone application into it so it will become more popular then celebrity endorsements in order to garter more support. But as it stands currently, this idea is extremely unpopular, as far the school kids of ideas go, this one is the guy in the classroom that stinks of hamster turds and chews table legs. I understand that.
I also know it's not a new idea and has been used before, often referred to as 'genocide' or 'ethnic cleansing'. But my idea does differ from these. I'm not going to lie, to begin with I was in deep thought about how the people that were going to make the ultimate sacrifice should be chosen, but in the end I realised that by simply picking out people I would be no better than Hitler, Pol Pot, Stalin or George Bush!
So after sleepless nights trying to figure out how this would all happen, I eventually came to the conclusion that we would decide who lived and died by the simple flip of a coin. Tails; your tail is safe, Heads; your head is coming off. Simple as that.
Of course this is not going to be forced on people, because if people are as good as people are always telling me, they'd have no problem killing themselves in an attempt to aid the future of mankind. Would they?
I've come to terms with my existence. I know fully well that I serve no real purpose, outside of creating this very idea, that will go towards saving the planet and it's inhabitants, but saving the world is a minor thing in my eyes, I not even add it to my C.V. I'll step up and flip the coin when my time is up and if it's Heads, I'll happily take one for the team, 'one' being death, the 'team' being humanity.
Imagine a world half as populated; everyone would be housed, fed and clothed. That 'Carbon Footprint' would drop drastically as there would be half as much traffic – no more traffic jams for those that choose to drive. Natural resources would be around for a longer time period. All this can be achieved by simply wiping out half of the population of the world. It seems like a small sacrifice for a huge gain. Like I've already said, it's not going to be popular and right now you're undoubtedly thinking I'm some kind of sick fuckwit for even coming up with the idea, but eventually it'll sink in and you'll be somewhere soon, more than likely Christmas shopping in some shopping centre and it will dawn on you, that if half the people there were wiped out the whole experience would be less stressful. Eventually you see it my way. Most people do in the end.
5 Slightly Unique & Unoriginal Films
We all have aspirations, no matter how strange they may be. Mine, for example, is to write for a living. Preferably comedy. More preferably comedy for TV or film. Yet when I attempt to sit down and come up with an idea for a story nothing seems to happen, instead I sit here dwelling about it and happening to start ranting to myself in the form of writing. It's a weird circle to say the least. Because right now what I am doing is stupid. This could all be a massive waste of my time. If I deem this unworthy of being posted online, I'm the only person to have read it. Yet, if I post it online it still may not be read by anyone, other than myself. The way this is going at the minute – I'll be the only one to read it as I'm 148 words in and not one part of this has been funny. [Here I was going to simply write; “Fanny Flaps” in an attempt to make a reader laugh at random funny sounding words, I didn't, instead I've just told you that that was what I was going to do, which in turn is an attempt at making you laugh]
Why won't you laugh?
The problem is, like most people I want to be original, unique, I want people to think I'm some sort of trailblazer. Yet, I'm not. So I'm starting to think what's the point in trying to be something I'm not. Maybe I should just copy other ideas. So here's a list of five possible films;
Project #1: Romantic Comedy (Codename: Grab 'n' Snatch)
A simple formula, if you've seen one you've seen them all. Boy meets girl, boy gets girl, a mishap takes place, they break up, the mishap gets solved, they get back together, happy ending. All I have to do here is follow this path, sprinkle in some jokes and I have a Script. Although I shouldn't repress my need to be slightly original; I need a different setting so my film won't be pointed at and labelled a simple rip-off of another film. So here we go;
Brian and Stacy get set up by some pushing mutual friends. They hit it off. Until one day when Brian is out doing his nightly muggings, when he robs his new girlfriend; Stacy Armstrong, who just so happens to be a Police Officer! In the tangle Brian slices Stacy's face to bits. Now he must prove his innocence and go back on a robbing spree to afford for Stacy to have a plastic surgeon to fix her face. Now Brian must prove his love the only way he knows how; be stealing purses. But will it be enough to win back Stacy? How long can he avoid the long Armstrong of the law?
It's got everything you want from a romantic comedy; a mismatched pair, a man attempting to prove his love, car chases, explosions and sliced faces!
Project #2: Spoof Movie (Codename: Spoof Movie, Slogan: “The Scariest Epic Teen Movie where a Diaster Happens”)
Project #3: British Gangster Flick (Codename: It's Dyer in London)
You know the Guy Richie type of film. It'll involve drugs, swearing, guns, violence, swearing, Danny Dyer and swearing. Simple enough plot; our protagonist; Danny Dyer is a run-of-the-mill marijuana dealer, he's asked to do a favour by a notorious London drug baron (also played by Danny Dyer), but something goes wrong; he gets ripped off. Now the drug baron wants Danny Dyer to get him his money back or Danny and his whole family are all going to be shot up like a smack-head's vein. Danny must enlist the help of his mates (all played by Danny Dyer) to rob another drug baron (played by Jason Statham). But that mission is put in jeopardy when Danny Dyer falls in love with Jason Statham's wife (played by Danny Dyer). Later on Danny Dyer figures out he was set up by the [original] drug baron. What will he do?
It has Dyer written all over it.
Project #4: Coming of Age Film (Codename: British Pasty, Slogan: “Smash that Pasty”)
This is your American Pie style film. A bunch of teens on a mission to get their end away... but this time set in England! So it has all those quintessential British traits; pregnant teenagers, someone gets glassed, the word “gash” said over 300 times, racist cab drivers, red telephone boxes (used in the sex scenes), people throwing up in the street and Danny Dyer has a cameo as an umbrella.
In the end everyone realises that the most important thing isn't sex, nor love, but condoms.
Project #5: Extreme Asian Horror Film (Codename: My Thai Bride's Revenge)
My speciality, although again with a British twist. Man meets Thai girl online and over time they become close. She moves to England and they marry. Although man lives in a really racist part of the UK where the BNP have a strong-hold. One day she's beaten to death while out on a walk. Then strange things begin to happen to the BNP members. Enter archetypical Asian-Woman-Ghost-with-Long-Black-hair that does horrific things to the ones that killed her. It gets gory, someone is run over by a combine-harvester at one point.
This film also teaches people not be racist.
Of course I would also have to take a major role in casting for this film. The part of the Thai Bride would have to be played by a real Thai lady (for authenticity reasons), so I would be forced to go on a reconnaissance mission to Thailand to set up auditions to find the perfect candidate. All expenses paid for by the film company, of course. This reconnaissance mission could take up to forty years, that's how dedicated I am to this picture.
This list kind proves my point, I barely put any effort in [and it shows] to come up with these ideas. Why am I wasting my time trying to be original?
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