Why I Hate … LoveFilm.com

I'm full of hate that I can easily dispense on anyone or anything that has provoked me to distribute it out. I don't simply hate for no reason. So what is it that LoveFilm has done to deserve being added to my ever increasing shit list? Settle down and let me paint the picture.

The other day, I was walking through Westfield (the shopping centre/mall in Derby – which I coincidently hate too, but that's another story) when I was stopped by a gentleman working for LoveFilm. He approached me and my girlfriend with the question; “Do you two like films?” Which is such a retarded question, in the first place; what next; “Do you like music?”, “Do you breathe?”, “Was you born?” - who possibly says no to that question? Everyone likes films, everyone watches films – apart from maybe alzheimer's patients, but they have a valid reason, seeing as by the time the final scene rolls around they have no idea what the fuck is happening and how the protagonist ended up in that situation. They probably can't remember who the protagonist is. [I feel bad making fun of alzheimer's, it would be really ironic if I got it, but I assume I wouldn't get the irony having forgot making fun of it] So I choose to answer the question with; “Yea” - that was Mistake #1, I should have carried on walking and ignored the guy, just like I do with homeless people and old women that have slipped on ice.

The guy went on to explain that LoveFilm was offering a deal; “Pay for one month, get the next month free”. I thought seeing as he'd pulled us in, I'd at least let him talk for a bit to be polite. This was Mistake #2. I'm hardly ever polite, it takes too much energy and it seems whenever I am polite I end up getting fucked over! So he's going on and on … then he says “It's only £4.99.” This was my chance to get out and I went on to explain that I can't afford that as I only have 50 quid in my bank account which is reserved for an upcoming phone bill – not actually a lie, it was the truth. To which he responded by saying that no money would come out of my bank account until I ordered a film. Which was a relief as I thought I could just sign up for the shit and not use it so I didn't have to pay. I don't need to be signed up to LoveFilm anyway! The only use I can think for LoveFilm is for browsing it's catalogue, then when I see a film I want to watch, I would then 'copy' the title, nip over to a torrent site (such as isohunt.com), 'paste' in the film title, click 'search' and begin to download the film. No need to wait for the postman. No need to pay. Don't need a month free, because it's all fucking free!

The guy went on to explain that we would be able to watch TV shows online too. The one's he actually mentioned were; Desperate Housewives and The Inbetweeners. How does LoveFilm get these exclusives? That you can get nowhere else online? 4OD eat your heart out. [That was sarcasm, by the way, not always easy to pick up on when in written form]

The guy then went on to show us the website and how to use it. Bringing up a random film; Orphan and explaining that all you have to go is click 'rent' and it'll be posted to my door. Simple.

Eventually it all got wrapped up and before we left he gave my girlfriend a card with the promotion code on it so that she could have buy one month have one free [once mine had ran out], which seemed nice of him. But now looking back it wasn't. It's not as if he's doing us a favour, that's the exact same deal I got. She's entitled to that! Me and her are two separate people, it's not as if we're one entity! Is this yet another draw back of being in a couple? That offers only apply to you as a pair?

So as we were walking off, my girlfriend says; “You realise he's just ordered you that film?” to which I responded; “No, he hasn't.” She's usually mistaken and I'm always right, so I thought nothing of it. Then yesterday, I got an email from LoveFilm informing me that the DVD I'd ordered was on the way! A DVD I didn't want! Which in turn triggered off my account with LoveFilm (that I didn't want or need), which in turn took £4.99 out of my bank account, which in turn took me over my overdraft by £5.00, so now the bank has a reason to rape me. LoveFilm has lead to me getting raped by my bank! Now that's a valid reason for hating LoveFilm!

So I went online trying to find some contact information for LoveFilm so I can write them a rant filled email explaining how they've fucked me over. But surprisingly I wasn't able to come across an email address. I was able to find a telephone number. So I thought I could give them a call and really lay into them until I saw; “Calls cost £1.50 a minute”! So in order for me to complain about how they lead to me getting raped I'd have to get financially raped again! LoveFilm is all about raping people! True story!

I should really be hating the guy that fucking ordered a film that I didn't want without my permission. But I'm assuming he got the job because he's one of those cunts that suckers people in. I bet the Nazi's had people like him getting innocent Germans to sign up for the S.S. and Hitler Youth. He's much like those Army guys that try to get people to sign up for the Forces by selling all the good points; you'll make money, you'll get to see the world … yet glossing over the fact that people will be trying to shoot your fucking brains out at every opportunity.

I would like to wrap up by saying; Fuck LoveFilm and anyone that works for them, and anyone that's related to anyone that works for them and anyone that's friends with anyone that works for them and anyone that may know someone that's friends with someone else that works for them.

I'm off to stick my cock in the hole of the Orphan DVD that came through my door this morning, bye!

Good job I added 'DVD' to that last sentence.