I absolutely love films. Watching films is one of my few hobbies that is not going to be detrimental to my health later in life. Although I'm not a fan of going to the cinema.
My beef doesn't stem from the extortionate prices you have to pay for snacks, even though it is financially crippling. Yes, I get irked at the amount of adverts and trailers that seem to draw out for an eternity before the feature film, yet not enough to actually hate the cinema for that reason. My problem lays with the audience. The fucking audience!
Recently I went to see Paranormal Activity 2, I liked the first film and found it thoroughly spooky and creepy so I was quite looking forward to seeing the sequel. Apparently I wasn't the only one as the cinema was heaving. Now, I'd deluded myself into thinking that as everyone had paid to see this film, that everyone would simply watch the film... what an idiot I am.
It seems as if people are unable to shut the fuck up for just over a hour. I expected some noise, it's a film that sets out to make the audience jump, after all, so a few gasps or utters of “that shit me up”, would have been fine. Yet, that's not all I got.
Paranormal Activity 2 is a film that slowly builds up to a scene that will make its audience jump throughout. It's not a surprise-fest, it slowly dupes you in with run-of-the-mill family activities [which form to give you the general storyline], then night comes and something freaky takes place. Simple, although not simple enough for some people. Every time the movie slowed its pace, the girl sat next to me would complain; “This is boring...” as her phone continued to get text messages [it was on vibrate – so still kind of distracting]. Yet it wasn't boring when she was absolutely shitting herself at the scary parts. I felt like turning to her and screaming in her face; “If you find it boring go sit outside and text your mates, otherwise just SHUT THE FUCK UP!” I suppose I could have just strangled her to death then claimed I was possessed by a demon, which would have been perfectly fitting for the situation we were in. I love irony.
The major problem with the cinema was the audience. It was filled with people barely over 15, out with their mates. So they had to put on an act, like they weren't scared as to not lose face. If I'm watching a film, I'm getting invested in it, that is the only way to watch a film in my mind. If I don't care for the characters or the story there's no point in watching. Doing this provokes emotion, whether it be fear, sorrow or joy. The problem with these runts that came to the same showing as me is that they fully understand that this film will scare them and to be scared of something will make them out to be a pussy. So they have to detach themselves from the film be making silly jokes or laughing, which in turn enrages me and most of the other sensible people.
And when exactly did it become socially acceptable to start blurting out what you think is going to happen next? “Oh, now I think she's going to go upstairs and ...” Shut the fuck up. I don't care what you think is going to happen. You're a fucking moron, there's a reason you're not making millions of dollars in Hollywood and that reason; YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON. We all have our own speculations about what is going to take place, we just keep them to ourselves, do you know why? Because people are watching a fucking film! I didn't realise Paranormal Activity 2 came with 'idiot commentary' – it's a like director's commentary, but has no fucking point or merit.
The film also uses text at the begin and end, a normal device used by many films to give the feeling that it's genuine. For example at the beginning it says [something to the effect of]; “Dedicated to the Police Officers that lost their lives.” and at the end it says “[so-and-so's] whereabouts are not known”. Which provoked a couple of people to say things along the lines of; “They're trying to make it out to be real!” or “They're acting as if it's a true story!” This text [at the start and end] have been used thousands of times in films. It's like watching Star Wars, and as the text scrolls at the beginning of the feature; “In a galaxy far, far away...” someone stands up and shouts; “They're trying to make this out to be real. There's no scientific proof that aliens exist … this is bullshit. It's not a true story!”
Whatever happen to Cinema Etiquette? [As regular readers know] I'm an avid fan of downloading and after my recent experience at the cinema, in the future I'll be more inclined to download a recent release than go to the cinema. I'll trade the big screen with it's brilliant surround sound for my small PC monitor and one working speaker, at least I can watch the film in peace … and smoke a spliff while doing it. If this type of behaviour at the cinema continues it will only get worse. Soon enough people will be holding important board meetings in the cinema as you attempt to watch Paranormal Activity 3, by Paranormal Activity 4 audience members will be spit-roasting a pig, by Paranormal Activity 5 there'll probably be a section of the cinema dedicated to a rave with a DJ blasting out shitty dub-step tunes as ravers pop ecstasy. To ease this, cinema's must start some kind of screening process for audience members. Maybe adding a couple of bouncers along the aisles that will quickly turf out any ne’er-do-wells that are chatting, playing with their phones or breathing too loudly.
Overall it seems a little unfair to blast the cinema going experience just because of the audience, but fuck it. These immature shit stains on society really pissed me off. I'm starting to see now why 'the youth' is hated so much. Clearly there needs to be a massive rise in teenagers getting stabbed and if they ever ruin another cinema going experience for me again, there fucking will be.
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