We all have aspirations, no matter how strange they may be. Mine, for example, is to write for a living. Preferably comedy. More preferably comedy for TV or film. Yet when I attempt to sit down and come up with an idea for a story nothing seems to happen, instead I sit here dwelling about it and happening to start ranting to myself in the form of writing. It's a weird circle to say the least. Because right now what I am doing is stupid. This could all be a massive waste of my time. If I deem this unworthy of being posted online, I'm the only person to have read it. Yet, if I post it online it still may not be read by anyone, other than myself. The way this is going at the minute – I'll be the only one to read it as I'm 148 words in and not one part of this has been funny. [Here I was going to simply write; “Fanny Flaps” in an attempt to make a reader laugh at random funny sounding words, I didn't, instead I've just told you that that was what I was going to do, which in turn is an attempt at making you laugh]
Why won't you laugh?
The problem is, like most people I want to be original, unique, I want people to think I'm some sort of trailblazer. Yet, I'm not. So I'm starting to think what's the point in trying to be something I'm not. Maybe I should just copy other ideas. So here's a list of five possible films;
Project #1: Romantic Comedy (Codename: Grab 'n' Snatch)
A simple formula, if you've seen one you've seen them all. Boy meets girl, boy gets girl, a mishap takes place, they break up, the mishap gets solved, they get back together, happy ending. All I have to do here is follow this path, sprinkle in some jokes and I have a Script. Although I shouldn't repress my need to be slightly original; I need a different setting so my film won't be pointed at and labelled a simple rip-off of another film. So here we go;
Brian and Stacy get set up by some pushing mutual friends. They hit it off. Until one day when Brian is out doing his nightly muggings, when he robs his new girlfriend; Stacy Armstrong, who just so happens to be a Police Officer! In the tangle Brian slices Stacy's face to bits. Now he must prove his innocence and go back on a robbing spree to afford for Stacy to have a plastic surgeon to fix her face. Now Brian must prove his love the only way he knows how; be stealing purses. But will it be enough to win back Stacy? How long can he avoid the long Armstrong of the law?
It's got everything you want from a romantic comedy; a mismatched pair, a man attempting to prove his love, car chases, explosions and sliced faces!
Project #2: Spoof Movie (Codename: Spoof Movie, Slogan: “The Scariest Epic Teen Movie where a Diaster Happens”)
Project #3: British Gangster Flick (Codename: It's Dyer in London)
You know the Guy Richie type of film. It'll involve drugs, swearing, guns, violence, swearing, Danny Dyer and swearing. Simple enough plot; our protagonist; Danny Dyer is a run-of-the-mill marijuana dealer, he's asked to do a favour by a notorious London drug baron (also played by Danny Dyer), but something goes wrong; he gets ripped off. Now the drug baron wants Danny Dyer to get him his money back or Danny and his whole family are all going to be shot up like a smack-head's vein. Danny must enlist the help of his mates (all played by Danny Dyer) to rob another drug baron (played by Jason Statham). But that mission is put in jeopardy when Danny Dyer falls in love with Jason Statham's wife (played by Danny Dyer). Later on Danny Dyer figures out he was set up by the [original] drug baron. What will he do?
It has Dyer written all over it.
Project #4: Coming of Age Film (Codename: British Pasty, Slogan: “Smash that Pasty”)
This is your American Pie style film. A bunch of teens on a mission to get their end away... but this time set in England! So it has all those quintessential British traits; pregnant teenagers, someone gets glassed, the word “gash” said over 300 times, racist cab drivers, red telephone boxes (used in the sex scenes), people throwing up in the street and Danny Dyer has a cameo as an umbrella.
In the end everyone realises that the most important thing isn't sex, nor love, but condoms.
Project #5: Extreme Asian Horror Film (Codename: My Thai Bride's Revenge)
My speciality, although again with a British twist. Man meets Thai girl online and over time they become close. She moves to England and they marry. Although man lives in a really racist part of the UK where the BNP have a strong-hold. One day she's beaten to death while out on a walk. Then strange things begin to happen to the BNP members. Enter archetypical Asian-Woman-Ghost-with-Long-Black-hair that does horrific things to the ones that killed her. It gets gory, someone is run over by a combine-harvester at one point.
This film also teaches people not be racist.
Of course I would also have to take a major role in casting for this film. The part of the Thai Bride would have to be played by a real Thai lady (for authenticity reasons), so I would be forced to go on a reconnaissance mission to Thailand to set up auditions to find the perfect candidate. All expenses paid for by the film company, of course. This reconnaissance mission could take up to forty years, that's how dedicated I am to this picture.
This list kind proves my point, I barely put any effort in [and it shows] to come up with these ideas. Why am I wasting my time trying to be original?
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