Now most comidians talk down on minimum wage earning shop assistants, and make fun of them. But I have worked as a shop assistant for many years now, and I'm not going to attack my people! Martin Luther King didn't go around calling anyone a "Coon", did he? No, he bloody well didn't! This post is for you, the CUSTOMER!
The first thing you need to know that you (the customer) are a complete and utter fucking moron! I'm sorry but you are. Every customer is. I am when I'm one, and you are when you're one.
Secondly the phrase "The customer is always right", is complete bullshit and so far from the truth it should be against the law for anyone to even think that, let alone say it. The customer is wrong, not all the time, but in my vast experience, they are wrong 99% of the time. The person that came up with the phrase should be strapped the front of a bus, with a landmine attached to his or her face, then driven at full speed into a wall, which is made up of spikes, that have poisen tips.
So, those two points are the basics, ok? Undertands so far? If not here a recap; Customer = moron and the 'moron' is never right.
Now, when you are in a shop treat anyone that works in that shop with respect. Ever wonder why people look so depressed at ASDA? Because they earn minimum wage, have a job that is going nowhere fast, get treated like shit by management and then in comes a moron to give them more abuse! This may seem simple but so many morons never take it into consideration; 'treat the staff nice, and they'll treat you nice'! Really, it IS that simple.
An other thing I've seemed to notice about morons is they expect everyone that works in a supermarket to have vast knowledge on every aspect of the store and its products ... this is not the case. Supermarkets are split into departments for many reasons, so if you have a question about an apple go find someone on that (Fruit and Veg) department, don't go up to someone stacking tins of beans and expect them to give you the ins and outs of an apple. Here is some information:
- Supermarkets are known for there numberous special offers, this does not mean that everyone that works in the store knows all the offers. There are thousands each week. I have had morons come up to me and many occasions waving a product in my face asking me, "Is this on offer?" And when I say I don't know, but I'll find out for you, they get mad, "Well you work here, you should know!" If you were in hospital, would you expect the receptionist to diagnose you? And then would you wait for the guy that fixes the vending machine to operate? No, not unless you're fucking insane!
- When the store is shut, get to the fucking checkouts asap! Please people! I'm begging you. If the store closes at 10.00pm and you get to the checkouts at 10.30pm and wonder why everyone is looking at you funny and muttering "dickhead" under their breath it's becuase you have made them all late to go to their shitty little house and cry about how depressing their lives are. I would greatly take this bit of information on board, it may save your life, becuase the day I finally do go postal at work it will be a late customer that tips me over the edge. I will then proseed to kill the customer and all his/her family members in the store, then kill as many staff as possible, managers first, then supervisors, then that chick from wines and spirits that wouldn't go out with me, then everyone else!
- If a product is not on the shelf were it should be don't ask if there's any in the back. Because even if there is, no member of staff is really going to look for it. What happens is a moron asks an employee if there's any KY Jelly in the back, the employee says he/she'll go and look, but what they actually do is go in the warehouse, chat to someone for a while about nothing to do with KY Jelly, apart from maybe saying; "This customer wants so KY Jelly, fucking bummer!!", then will then come back to the customer and tell them we have no more KY Jelly, but we're expecting some more in soon. I thought that morons already knew this. But it seems not.
- DO NOT complain to anyone who isn't a manager or a supervisor. I've had morons complain to me many times and my response is; "I'm sorry, but I don't get paid enough to listen to you moan. Go to Customer Services and they'll get a manager."
- If there is a massive line at the checkouts don't ask members of staff if they're going to put more staff on the tills. Firstly because you mainly ask the wrong person, and secondly, if they had the staff they would, you fucking twats!! If it gets you out of the fucking store faster they would put more people on the tills, but the thing you need to know is that management do not supply the needed amount of staff to save money so they look better to the area managers, it's a fucked up fact, but asking overworked, underpaid staff stupid questions will only get you strangled!
Thank you for reading. I hope you have enjoyed this guide. Sorry if there's spelling mistakes, haven't got a spell-checker at the minute.
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